Absolute Bearing
by Adamantwrites
Summary: Adam, seeking to return to a normal life after his years at sea, realizes that happiness is not elusive but easily found if one just looks. The last of the Adam and Lucy arc.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. All original characters and plots are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

_Absolute Bearing_ is a nautical term which means that a navigator knows the ship's location in reference to the North Star. It's the clockwise angle between the north and an object observed by the vessel.

(Courtesy of Wikipedia)

Absolute Bearing

PART 1

Ben Cartwright came down the stairs and saw Adam sitting in the semi-dark, the only light coming from the fireplace; there had been a cold snap and the house was chilly so Adam had built up the fire and the flames cast an eerie glow around the room as well as creating dancing shadows on the walls. He sat on the settee, staring into the fire.

"Adam," Ben said, as he descended, "problems keeping you awake?" Ben finished coming down the stairs and Adam turned to look at him.

Adam Cartwright had been home for a few months after having been away at sea for a few years. He was trying to fit into the calmness of domestic life but had trouble resisting the siren's call of the sea. And then there was Lucy; he was having trouble resisting her as well.

"A man always has problems, Pa," Adam said, staring back into the flames. "That comes with life, doesn't it?"

Ben sat down in the blue, high-backed chair flanking the fireplace and looked at his eldest son. He had marveled how Adam had come back a different person-he didn't even look the same with his beard, the deep scar on his left cheekbone and his different view on life but there were the vestiges of the Adam that had been. He still thought deeply about things that other people only gave cursory attention to but yet, he now reacted instinctively to anything that threatened him or any of the people he loved and that made him dangerous. And Ben wondered what was keeping Adam awake, what prevented him from sleeping.

'What are you reading?" Ben said, noticing the book on the table in front of Adam.

"Actually nothing," Adam said, glancing at the book. "It's strange, Pa. I can't seem to be able to stay interested in anything. I find poetry sophomoric and novels full of lies-such simplistic takes on the world. And despite what literature says, love doesn't bring happiness-only misery so why do all these authors and poets glorify it? Besides, I think that I have now officially reached old age-I do believe that I need glasses-even with the lamp I had on, I still was having problems distinguishing letters; I was more or less guessing at what was written."

Ben smiled and gave a small laugh. "You think you're old? Think of me-I'm your father. When I see how you're all men-grown men, it frightens me because I feel that my end may be soon, that I won't live to see all of you happy and contented with life."

"You talking about me, Pa?"

"Well, not just you; I want all three of you to be happy and content."

"Are you happy and contented with life?" Adam asked. "Can you honestly say that you have everything you want? Don't you wish that you would fall in love again just one more time-to feel that joy, that ecstasy again?"

Ben paused. Adam always challenged him and since Adam rarely shared his thoughts with anyone, when he shared them, Ben wanted to be able to help and although Ben always felt that he wasn't his son's intellectual equal, up to this point in their lives Ben had been the one with more experience with the struggles in life and pain and misery and suffering-but not anymore. Adam had now been through more than he and so Ben considered his words carefully.

"Is it Joe's upcoming wedding that has you pondering love and women? I've noticed that since his engagement party two weeks ago, you've been more, oh…I guess, reclusive."

Adam looked at his father. Having been away for a few years, what had struck Adam the most was how his father had aged in the time that he had been gone and Adam felt that he had been the primary cause of it. He therefore tried to be gentle with his father, not to give him anything to worry about but he knew that his father worried about everything that concerned any of his sons. His father loved him, that Adam knew; they had a bond denied his younger brothers. He and his father had gone through the meager early years together and Adam had to grow up sooner than Hoss and Joe. Adam had also suffered through the loss of three mothers. Both Adam and Ben experienced the loss of Inger and Marie, their deaths destroying Adam's security and the images of the limp bodies of the two women still haunted him in his dreams as well. But the loss of the one woman he had loved more than his own life, more than the lives of his family even had changed his outlook on life and destroyed his faith. And although his last glimpse of her was as she tumbled backwards to the ground, he still had haunting visions of her when he closed his eyes and then Adam would be more determined than before to never love anyone again-it wasn't worth the cost.

"Maybe it is Joe's engagement, I'm not sure." Adam looked back into the fire. Joe and Polly did seem suited for each other; Joe loved her, that was obvious, but it wasn't a consuming love and therefore, Joe wouldn't be destroyed should something happen and that comforted Adam; he didn't want his brother to go through anything similar to what he had.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you," Ben said, "I saw Lucy Fairmont in town yesterday and she asked about you. But then she always did."

"What do you mean by that, she always did?" Adam said sharply.

"Nothing particular except that Lucy always asked about you, even when she was on her fiancé's arm, she would ask about you, if I had heard from you and such." Ben thought he saw a slight change on Adam's face, just a shadow, a nuance of interest. Ben decided to take a chance. "Is it Lucy who's keeping you from sleeping?"

After a slight pause, Adam barely whispered, "Yes."

"I felt that something must have happened between you two at the engagement party. Am I right?" Adam slightly nodded in response. "My guess is that she's in love with you and let you know. Why does Lucy disturb you?" Ben was stumbling in the dark, feeling his way but when he saw how Adam turned to look at him, Ben knew he was correct in his surmise that Lucy had somehow touched Adam in a manner more than as an old acquaintance.

"I…," Adam said quietly, "she disturbs me-she's so young and so…. And you're right, she told me she loved me and I kissed her. I never should have-I shouldn't have led her on, had her think I cared. I don't. I don't love her but I can't stop thinking about her. It's just lust-desire I feel-she's so young and vulnerable and I want to have her but she deserves someone who loves her, who cherishes her and that's not me. I don't love her, can't love her but if she would let me, I would have her. I would take her and then leave her lying there on her back with nothing to hope for." Adam sat silent for a moment and then, with almost a sense of desperation, Adam said, "I'm having the worst time struggling with this, Pa. It doesn't matter what I do. If I go to town and visit the cat house, I still come out thinking about her. I close my eyes and see her face in front of me, feel her lips on my cheek where she kissed me and her hands on mine and I just want to destroy her for what she's done to me."

"What is it that she's done that's so awful, Adam? Make you feel some emotion that you thought you had buried? Let me tell you something, Adam, and then I'll leave. You can't kill your feelings. You can deaden them with alcohol if you choose, deaden them in consorting with whores and try to wipe out your thoughts by working yourself half to death, but no matter how much you try to drown them, they'll always rise to the surface and maybe you should just stop trying to fight the feelings that Lucy stirs up in you and act on them. Not the violent desire to smother them, but the desire, the need to have someone love you. Despite your wanting to avoid feeling anything, you can't deny that the need to be loved is still alive in you and if Lucy loves you, and I believe she does, then you should drop to your knees and thank God that you haven't become so alienated from humanity that no one could love you. Remember when you were small and would sit on the floor to read or play with your toys and one of your legs would fall asleep? Remember how it would hurt when the feeling came back? Well, emotions, feelings, are the same way. When they come back, when you start to feel them again, it hurts. And that's all I have to say." And with that, Ben stood up and went up the stairs to bed.

And Adam sat and felt overwhelming sadness; he wanted to feel love again-to be loved and to hold a woman in his arms that he adored-but he couldn't allow it. He wished that the last five years had never happened and he also knew that despite what anyone else thought, he was a coward; he was afraid of feeling love again, afraid of any more pain in his life.

TBC


	2. Part 2

PART 2

"Hey, Adam," Hoss said while knocking on Adam's door. "Pa sent me up to see if you're comin' to church this mornin' ."

Adam had yet to attend church since his return but every Sunday morning, Ben sent one of his other sons to ask Adam if he was joining them.

"No." Adam shouted irritably. "Let me sleep." There was no more sound from the other side of the door and Adam rolled over and tried to fall asleep again but he just lay there and eventually he heard the sounds of the buckboard which meant they were leaving.

As he looked up at the ceiling, he thought about the empty day ahead of him; his father didn't want them to work on Sundays but Adam considered that a wasted day. When he was on board the ship, after the short religious service that was conducted for those who chose to attend, there was always work to do and Adam didn't like being idle; it gave him the luxury to think. Adam knew that Will and Laura were to come to dinner that night. They had three boys now and then there was Peggy. He would like to see Peggy-he still felt affection for her-but no matter how much he delved into his emotions, he couldn't find any feelings left for Will and Laura except curiosity. Adam wondered if, when he looked at them together, he would see himself, what would have become of him had he married her. But that was it. Nothing more.

And then his thoughts jumped to Lucy. She would be at church, he was sure of that, and he pictured her sweet face, as beautiful and as calm as the Madonna's. Maybe, he thought, one day soon, he would attend church just to see her and to judge his feelings. And then he started thinking about the night in the barn when she had declared her love for him and confessed that she had loved him ever since she was a child, that she had always adored him. Little Tag-along Lucy had grown from the pest she had been to a beautiful woman who loved him and whom he still couldn't appreciate. But Adam had to admit to himself that in the last few months before her parents had sent her away to boarding school, when Lucy was still his shadow, he had started to see her beauty and hints of what she would be like as a woman. And because of that, he had been even more cruel to her, telling her to go home and to behave like a lady, not some little hoyden who was always annoying him. But, he told himself, at the time he had to do it-otherwise he was afraid that he would have grabbed her one day and kissed her and she, because she worshipped him, would have allowed it-and maybe even more. And as he thought of Lucy, as he remembered her lithe body pressed against him as they danced, he felt the first flush of arousal begin.

Adam pressed the heels of his hands against his brow. Damn her! Damn Lucy! She invaded his thoughts over and over. Lucy, with her supple white neck and the gentle swell of her breasts, her soulful, hazel eyes and her lush mouth tormented him and so he hated her-she took away his peace of mind.

So Adam decided that he would go out and fix the gate on the corral, to replace the broken catch. It hadn't been much of one before he left, just a board slipped into a looped rope, but Joe had created some makeshift contraption that sufficed after they rebuilt part of the corral. The perfectionist in Adam, the architect in him would not allow it to remain. "Thou shalt not suffer an architectural monstrosity to exist." was his and his roommate's slogan in college.

He had designed the closure in his mind, had imagined it from every angle and how the gate would hook into place, the metal shaft having a hasp to keep it shut. At first Adam had considered having extra pins but then he thought of putting the pin on a chain so that it wouldn't be misplaced or lost. And now that he had all of Sunday morning to himself and felt he needed to think about practical things, Adam dressed and set out for the barn.

The day was crisp and Adam had put a vest over his shirt and buttoned it to stay warmer. He put his hat on to keep his head warm too although he preferred to work without one. He went to the back of the barn and the horses nickered to him so Adam said good morning to them and gave each of them an extra serving of oats. "It's Sunday, boys," he said. "Enjoy your Sunday dinner. And if things don't go well inside, I'll eat with you in the barn. You might be better company than Will and Laura."

Adam went to the area where the tools were kept and searched through the scrap metal to see what he could use, what he could hammer into a shape that would serve his purpose. The anvil stood ready. He had everything that he needed, flat metal that could be bent and the awl to punch holes so that it could be nailed onto the board. He found all that he needed but a pin or anything that could be made into a pin.

Since it was Sunday, no stores were open in Virginia City but the livery always was-Mr. Lewis knew that many people chose Sundays to take their ladies on picnics or to take long rides to friends and family who lived in nearby towns-and Mr. Lewis never missed a chance to make money; he worshipped lucre every day of the week. So Adam saddled up Sport and rode into town.

As he cantered across the Ponderosa, he viewed the vast holdings his family held, the miles upon miles he and his family called theirs and Adam thought that it was as vast as the green sea. It was so huge that the scenery changed from lush and green on which to graze cattle to forests so thick that there were always more than enough pine for the lumber aspect of their business holdings. And then there was the silver that had been discovered and that his father had not yet revealed, afraid of what might happen if others knew what the Ponderosa was hiding under her skin. And Adam laughed to himself; they had always referred to the Ponderosa as a she- just as sailors referred to their ships as she and the waters and the waves. Women, Adam thought, we call all those things females because they catch you the way a women does-grabs you and never lets you go. They consume you and crawl into your bones until you breathe their scent and feel their voice through every fiber of your being and Adam thought about the woman he had lost over five years ago and then shook his head clear; he couldn't afford to let his grief overwhelm him. No more, he told himself, no more. But he couldn't pull his heart free from her grasp and doubted he ever could.

TBC


	3. Part 3

PART 3

Adam found what he needed at the livery. Mr. Lewis had a small rod that was employed to fix carriages and Adam saw how he could cut it and use it as a pin. He then could solder it to the end of a chain that was attached to the hasp and have the lock he had envisioned. He paid Mr. Lewis and decided to ride by the church

He smiled to himself when he saw his father and brothers talking in the churchyard with people from the congregation but now Polly was beside Joe; he would be eating with the Sampson's tonight making one more place available at the table. And then there was Lucy walking with her parents. Adam pulled up Sport a ways from the churchyard and watched her. She was wearing a plain, dark brown hat, similar to a man's bowler but with a beige scarf tied around it as a hatband and flowing halfway down her back. Funny, Adam thought, that a man's style would look so attractive on a woman. And as he sat and stared, Lucy turned and saw Adam. Their eyes met and Adam became embarrassed and tipped his hat and she nodded. Then Adam urged Sport on and began his solitary trip home.

By the time Hoss and Ben arrived at the Ponderosa, Adam was already halfway through making the gate clasp. He had bent and shaped the iron around the wood posts and was working on creating the hasp.

"What are you doing, Adam?" Ben said as he walked his horse over to the corral.

Adam was familiar with his father's disapproving tone so he braced himself and answered, "Well, I finally decided to replace that jury-rigged contraption of Joe's. You won't have to raise the board to slip through that loop to keep it shut. I'm almost through. See, I plan to attach a small chain…"

"It's Sunday, Adam. You shouldn't be working." Ben looked sternly at Adam.

"Oh, C'mon, Pa." Adam gave a small laugh. "It's just repairing this gate latch. It's not as if I plowed the lower forty or such."

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days thou shalt labor and do all thine work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath. In it thou shalt not do any work, nor your son."

"Yes, Pa, I know. Genesis, chapter 20, verse eight. I can quote chapter and verse as well as you and I can tell you a few other verses I've broken that would upset your whole way of…" Adam looked at his father who stood before him. Adam knew that his father was a God-fearing man and raised his sons to be the same and to have concern, not just for this life but for their eternal life as well. Adam considered his father as provincial but the words came to Adam from his early teachings, 'Honor your father… that your days may be long.' and although Adam wasn't going to make any deals with God for a longer life, especially if it continued to be such a source of misery, he did love and respect his father. They often didn't agree but of all the people in his life, his father had always been behind him, lifting him up as a child when he fell, feeding Adam first when there was little food to split between the two of them, buying Adam larger boots when his own boots' soles were full of holes and had to be lined with old newspapers to keep the dampness out and because of this and all the other many things his father had done for him, Adam deferred.

"Okay, Pa. I'll respect your wishes." And Adam picked up the tools and the parts for the latch and took them back to the barn.

Hoss, who had stood and watched the conversation between Adam and their father, led the two horses into the barn. Adam turned to look.

"I like that new gate latch you done got worked up, Adam. I swear, I was gettin' tired of havin' to lift that board and Pa was complainin' about a sore back a while ago and I done said that it was probably liftin' up that thing that caused it."

"Well," Adam said, "this should make it easier. Here, leave the horses with me-I'll unsaddle and curry them. You don't want to get your Sunday best dirty with Laura and Will coming for dinner."

"Um, Adam, 'bout that, how do you feel about them comin' for dinner and all, I mean seein' all that's happened and such?" Hoss had tried ever since Adam had returned home to get their closeness back, the confidential relationship that they had always had as brothers.

Hoss had always looked up to Adam despite Adam's affectionate teasing of him. Adam was smart and handsome and generous with all his gifts. He had helped Hoss with his schoolwork when young, was unusually patient and he taught Hoss how to ride and shoot a rifle and how to lasso cattle. When it came time for Hoss to help with spring branding, it was Adam who helped Hoss get past his empathy and affinity with animals to realize that the calves weren't hurt even half as much as they protested-and since Adam said it was so, Hoss believed it; Adam had never lied to him. As a matter of fact, Adam had always told him the truth even when Hoss didn't want the truth revealed to him. Nevertheless, as his father did, Hoss felt that Adam was often a stranger now, closed up and silent, not willing to reveal feelings about much of anything.

"I feel fine about it," Adam said as he unsaddled Buck. "Laura and I reached an understanding long ago, remember? And Will, I hold no resentment toward him. Actually, he did me a favor and took the bullet for me. When I think back, I really did avoid what would have eventually been quite the mess. I think I just wanted to be a family man, you know, have a place of my own and a wife to come home to and then there was Peggy; she alone was worth marrying Laura-a daughter I would've been proud to have. But before…well, before I left here, Will and Peggy were basically father and daughter although Will told me that he had finally broken Peggy of the habit of calling him Uncle Will and was then at 'Will." Next, he was working on getting her to call him 'Pa.' "

"Well, You're a better man than me," Hoss said.

"I don't need you to tell me that," Adam said, concealing a grin.

Hoss stood still-he was trying to decide if Adam was serious but then Adam turned to him and Hoss saw that half-grin on Adam's face and gave him a slight shove.

"I mean only that I couldn't sit there at table with some woman that I usta love enough to wanna marry and the man who done got her instead. I mean won't it kinda make you look at them and think about what they do together? I mean I'd just be picturin' it and it'd put me off my food."

"I think it'd take a lot more than that to put you off your food," Adam said with a small laugh. He led Buck into his stall and removed that bridle, carefully removing the bit; Buck sometimes threw his head back too quickly to be free of the piece of metal.

"Yeah, well," Hoss said, "like I done said, you're a better man than me. I don't think I could do it."

"Well, if I get up and leave the table, you'll know I couldn't either" Adam stepped over to Chubb and started unsaddling him. "And you're just standing there with your hands in your pockets to see if I still remember how to unsaddle a horse?"

With that remark, Hoss turned and left the barn. He knew that Adam preferred being solitary these days but Hoss, who never liked to think too deeply because that always made him unhappy by bringing up issues he would prefer to forget, respected Adam's wishes to be left alone. So he shuffled across the yard. Hoss missed his brothers; Joe was always with Polly Sampson now and soon would be married and moving out and then Adam wasn't fully there. So Hoss was lonely.

Adam finished up and went back to the house where his father was sitting. "What time are Will and Laura coming?"

"Not so early that you don't have time to wash up and change clothes before they get here," Ben said, puffing on his pipe.

Adam stopped himself from asking his father who the hell he thought he was to tell Adam to wash as if he was a small child. "I suppose that I've worked up a little sweat and even though I haven't worn any of my best clothes since I've been home, if they fit, I'll wear them." Adam left for the washroom off the kitchen and then he hard his father call him back. When he turned, Ben was standing up.

"Yes?' Adam asked, puzzled.

"I'm sorry, Adam." Ben dropped his eyes. "It's difficult to stop being a father. I know that you're a grown man and have the right to make your own decisions, especially about small things like what to wear when company comes over…but, Adam, every time I look at you-and the same with your brothers-I see you as the small boy you once were, so alone and afraid of being abandoned and that was all my fault. I want to make things up to you-I've been trying your whole life to protect you but I've been, well, I'm afraid that I've failed."

"No, Pa," Adam said, "you didn't fail me, I failed you."

"No. no," Ben said, stepping toward Adam, "you never failed me. Adam, I.."

Adam stepped toward his father and pulled his father to him in an embrace, smelling the hair pomade his father wore and noticing how his father arms held him tightly and so they stood like such for a few seconds until Adam began to release his father from his arms and they parted and without saying anything, Adam smiled gently at his father whose eyes were welling with tears. Adam patted him on the arm and with understanding in their exchange of glances, Adam left to go wash up.

TBC


	4. Part 4

PART 4

Adam was glad to see Will and Laura but they had left Peggy and their sons Banks and Stewart at home and only brought their youngest child, Tell, who was a six-month old infant.

Laura, upon greeting Adam, kissed him on the cheek and put her arm through his. "I wouldn't have recognized you, Adam, with that beard and such. I hope that you don't scare Tell." Adam laughed and walked her over to the settee.

"Adam here'd scare a grown man so much as a baby," Hoss said and they all laughed.

Adam hadn't been able to shake Will's hand since he held the infant and Adam, as any charitable relative should, looked at the baby who had reddish hair and said what a handsome child he was and how he would grow up to be quite the man.

"Laura," Ben said as they were going to sit down to eat, "why don't you have Will put Tell down in the extra bedroom here?" He pointed to the bedroom off to the side. "We can leave the door ajar so that you can hear him."

"Oh, what a good idea!" Laura turned to Will. "Will, sweetheart, put Tell down and put the pillows on both sides of him so that he doesn't roll off the bed."

"All right, Laura," Will said. He had held the child the whole time they had been sitting in the great room talking before dinner. Adam had noticed how Will seemed to do all the drudge work, changing the diaper, calming the child, getting Laura a glass of water which he performed still holding Tell, and that Laura had no qualms about giving him orders and that he readily obeyed-not necessarily happily, but readily.

And as they sat and talked, Laura, Ben, Hoss and Adam, Will not really contributing, Adam noticed that Laura hadn't changed all that much. She was a little thicker in figure, her face a little more coarse, but that probably came from having three children in six years. She wore her hair up and Adam tried to remember what it had felt like to have his lips on her neck, to have held her next to him and to have wanted her but he couldn't draw up those feelings-they were gone. He felt nothing but a slight twinge of sympathy for Will who ran and fetched like a trained dog.

"Laura," Adam said when Will left the room with the baby, "don't you order Will around a bit too much?"

"What?" Laura hadn't expected Adam to ask such a blunt question-especially since it was none of his business what she did now. Despite the fact that she loved Will, she still resented how Adam had dragged his feet at marrying her and causing her a world of embarrassment; all the women in town talking about how Adam was just using her and the men making remarks about how Adam must be getting the milk for free.

"Adam!" Ben said, quite surprised as well. Hoss gave a small laugh. Although he had been there, Hoss found that he, like Will, had little to say and basically just sat by Will as he held Tell and chucked the infant under the chin and made faces to make Tell smile.

"It's all right, Mr. Cartwright," Laura said, "I don't mind-it's a typical Adam question. It's not very reassuring to know that after five years gone, you haven't changed at all, Adam. And it just may be, Mr. Cartwright, that Adam is thanking God that it's not him who is my husband."

Adam started to confirm her astuteness-and correct her grammar-but he just smiled and said nothing.

"But to answer your question, I give Will a good home," she said shaking slightly with anger, her color up, "I cook, clean, take care of the children and am there for him. I, therefore, think that he can do the few things I ask him to do. Neither of us see it as my 'ordering him around.' We both think of it as his helping me, doing his fair share, and if you ever deign to grace some woman with your name, I'm certain that you will be as helpful too." Laura sat back, her lips tight, waiting to see if Adam had a remark but when Adam saw Will come back into the room, he said nothing.

Hop Sing entered the dining area and proclaimed that dinner was ready as he placed a pork roast on the table. "Evahbody eat while hot."

As Ben led Laura to her seat, Adam and Will exchanged glances and Adam couldn't help but interpret Will's expression as a cry for help. He made a mental note to try to speak alone with Will-that is if Will had any free time between running back and forth for Laura.

"Well, this is a real treat, Hop Sing," Will said as he placed his napkin on his lap. "Usually we have cold Sunday dinners, you know leftovers, sliced cold meat and cold biscuits, and it sure is nice to have such a one as this."

Hop Sing smiled; he liked Cartwright guests to laud his food; early on, he had had trouble learning western cooking with its emphasis on meat and potatoes. Hop Sing had fed Ben, Adam and baby Hoss quite a bit of rice with slices of vegetables and slivers of meat when they were struggling and the family thrived on the diet. To get Hoss to eat the otherwise bland rice, Hop Sing would stir in honey or a bit of brown sugar and Hoss still ate it that way upon occasion. Nevertheless, Hop Sing learned how to make stews and to season roasts and balance the saltiness of ham with molasses or brown sugar. And although Hop Sing could now cook to perfection the way his Cartwright family preferred, he liked nothing better for himself than a bowl of sticky rice with slivers of garlic and lightly fried cabbage cooked and stirred with the starchy substance.

"Well, Will," Adam remarked, once Hop Sing had left, "we'd have cold dinners too only Hop Sing isn't a fine Christian like we are, so he can work on Sundays and risk his soul so that we can have a hot meal in our bellies." Adam still held resentment for his father's disapproval of his doing a little job on Sunday.

"My goodness, " Laura said, "You really haven't changed, have you, Adam? Still snide and sacrilegious."

Adam raised his glass of wine and said, "And here's to you, Laura. May you be eternally fertile and have a child a year with my blessings."

Will looked from Laura to Adam and tried to figure out what was going on but then the aroma of the roast and the yeasty smell of hot rolls along with the redolent smell of the bacon that had been used to flavor the green beans came through his consciousness and he just picked up his fork and began to eat, not even considering that someone might yet say grace.

They were in the middle of the meal discussing the latest price of lumber with Ben trying to convince Will to join the lumber branch of the Ponderosa's business, when Tell began to wail in the adjoining room.

"Will," Laura said, "go see if Tell needs changing, would you." She was delicately breaking her roll and buttering each section.

"I think that he may be hungry." Will shoved another piece of roast in his mouth; it was his second helping and Hop Sing was thrilled to see that his meal was disappearing so quickly. And when he had come out to place more pork on the platter, Will raved again about how tender the meat was and how the fatty layer on the top was roasted to a crisp perfection.

"Mistah Will eat all he want," Hop Sing said, smiling broadly. "I cook more than even Mistah Hoss eat so there be enough for evahbody."

"Hop Sing," Will said, "I should have married you."

"Well, now," Hoss said, "I'd have to fight you over that one," Hoss said. "I don't want nobody draggin' off the best cook this side of the Rocky Mountains."

So, because the meal was so good and, although Will wouldn't tell Laura, even better than anything she had ever cooked, Will was loathe to leave the table.

"Just check, would you, Will?"

"You going to expect Will to nurse him too?" Adam asked and everyone but Laura chuckled and then, as suddenly as they had laughed, they all took on serious expressions; it was obvious that Laura didn't think it was funny at all.

Laura stood up, throwing her napkin on the table. All the men then stood as well, but Laura glowered at Adam. Then distinctly and tersely, she said, "Is there anything else you want to criticize me about, Adam? Go ahead. You could always find something and if you couldn't, you created something. I suppose that you still think that I am inept at doing anything and everything. Well? What else do you want to insult me about?"

"Laura, it was meant as a joke." Adam suddenly was ashamed of himself; he was having fun at Laura's expense and she had never taken well to any criticism, teasing or not, even helpful criticism.

"Well, you may think it was funny and everyone here may think it was funny, but I don't!" She looked around the table and all but Adam had lowered their eyes in embarrassment or shame. Only Adam looked evenly at her.

"I told you that I'm sorry and I am. You know I don't say anything that I don't mean."

"And that's supposed to be a comfort?" Laura's face was twisted with anger. "Will-get Tell. We're leaving." And she pushed back her chair and stormed to the other room to retrieve her cloak hanging by the door.

"Now, Laura," Adam said, following her, and following him was Ben, protesting as well that they shouldn't leave-that Adam was just joking. But Laura wouldn't be deterred. She pulled her cape off the rack and Adam grabbed it and attempted to help her, asking her to please not go, that he would keep his mouth shut and that he hadn't meant for her and Will to leave.

"Take your hands off my cape," Laura said jerking it away from him. Then she practically spat at him in such a low voice that neither Ben nor Will could really hear, "And I certainly don't need your help. I may have needed you once but you were never there. So let me inform you once and for all, I don't need you anymore-for anything. I'm married now and happily married. I have three beautiful sons with Will and I couldn't be more pleased with my life and how it turned out."

"Well, I'm happy for you, Laura, I really am. I never had any ill-will for you."

Laura looked at Adam, even now, with his graying hair and beard and with the scar on his cheek, she was still drawn to him. Sometimes at night when she couldn't sleep, she would play out a scenario in her head of what her life would be like had she married Adam, had she not been distracted by Will. And then there were the times when, in order to comply with Will's physical needs, she would close her eyes and have to imagine that it was Adam's arms around her, Adam's body urgently pressing against her and his mouth, the mouth on hers. And Will never knew, never even suspected. She felt as if she had been unfaithful when she imagined that the man fulfilling his desires with her body was Adam and then she felt even guiltier about marrying Will. And it was all Adam's fault as far as she was concerned.

"Damn you, Adam Cartwright!" she barely whispered to him. And with that, she flounced out of the house, not even allowing Adam to open the door for her, and stomped across the yard to climb into their buggy, waiting for Will.

Will came out from the side bedroom clasping the wailing, thrashing child to his breast. "Thanks, Ben, for inviting us over and tell Hop Sing, it's the best meal I've had in a long time. And Adam," Will said, "we'll have to do this again sometime." Will's raised eyebrow let Adam know that Will was in on the joke and that it was just between them; Will obviously enjoyed seeing someone get Laura's goat.

"Real soon," Adam said, winking at Will, "if you think you can take it."

Will laughed and then said, "Don't walk us out, Ben. Laura's in a state and she wouldn't want to have to say goodbye to anyone, so I'll just say it for both of us-goodnight and thanks again."

And Will and Tell went out into the darkness.

"Adam," Ben said, "why did you have to go teasing Laura?" You of all people should know what she's like, how sensitive she is to criticism. Oh, and since I'm on the subject…"

"What subject, Pa? The subject of my short-comings? The subject of my faults? Well, mea culpa."

Ben, frustrated with Adam's cavalier attitude, stood with his hands on his hips. Hoss, who had sat back down to finish eating, stopped his fork halfway to his mouth to listen. He hated to see his family argue with one another and although he usually didn't take sides, always trying to be the peacemaker, he had to admit that Adam probably shouldn't have said what he did to Laura even though Hoss had never particularly had any feelings about Laura one way or the other; at the time that Adam and she were engaged, Hoss had more or less been neutral. But Adam's remark about Hop Sing working on Sunday, well, Hoss knew that jab was at his father.

"And although I said nothing," Ben continued, "that remark about Hop Sing not being Christian…."

"I know, Pa," Adam said, waving his hand dismissively, "I know. And I apologize, Pa. I was just…I mean, I know about your attitude toward work on Sunday but to me, it seems a bit hypocritical. Here, you don't want us to work unless there's an emergency or such, but if you feel that strongly…." Adam stopped. His father's face had changed to one of a man deeply wounded.

Quietly, Adam said, "I'm sorry, Pa. It seems that all I do is apologize anymore. I guess I've forgotten how to get along with people." Adam gave a small grin at his father who quickly recovered his good nature. Adam could actually see his father's body relax and his face soften from his hard expression a few seconds earlier.

Ben reached out and patted Adam's arm. "It's all right, Adam. I just…well, I'm an old mule set in my ways and my beliefs. Why don't we just go finish our meal?"

"Yeah," Hoss said, "Hop Sing ain't even served dessert yet. I tell you, if I were Will, I woulda told Laura to take Tell and leave but I'd be stayin' for Hop Sing's three layer, cream cake with that thick, butter icing."

As Ben and Adam took their seats again, Ben said, "Well, maybe we should take Will and Laura what's left tomorrow." Adam glanced at his father and they grinned at one another.

"You do, Pa," Adam said, grinning widely, "and Laura's going to think it's an insult to her cooking. But maybe a few slices of cake since they missed it being served."

"I don't think that there's gonna be none left," Hoss said. "There's still my late night foray to the kitchen for somthin' to help me sleep. And then there's breakfast and you know I like sweetnin' to start my day….so, nope, there shouldn't be none left for them."

Adam and Ben looked at one another and they both laughed; at least something was the same as it always had been. Hoss added stability to the world; he was, Adam thought, "As constant as the northern star," and Adam took comfort in that.

"Nevertheless, "Ben said to his sons, "I wish that you two would go out to Will and Laura's tomorrow and give him some help. Will's not much of a rancher, Adam, and since you and he are, well, so close in age and basically…"

"Well," Hoss said, "that ain't all you and him got in common."

Ben glanced at Hoss who didn't look up and Adam just managed to keep from smiling. "As I was saying, maybe you could give him some advice-gently, of course. And maybe you two, "Ben said, moving his fork from one son to the other, "could convince him, to sign on for the lumber investments."

"I don't know, Pa," Hoss said. "That Will, he don't know any more about trees and business than he does about cattle and the upkeep of a ranch."

"That bad, huh?" Adam asked, getting up and then pouring himself another cup of coffee.

"Sadly," Ben answered, "yes. It's that bad over there and with the four children to support and Laura, well, it costs quite a bit to dress and feed them all, and, well, Will has me worried. He just doesn't seem to be able to manage it."

Adam sighed, sitting back down. "Okay, Pa, I'll go over tomorrow. Hoss, I think I should talk to Will alone. You mind?"

"Nope. Suits me fine. I got a little issue of my own-how to get Joe's sorry ass away from Polly Sampson for about five minutes so's he can do a little work around here. I swear, that boy's so moon-eyed over Polly that he can't think of nothin' else."

"Now, leave him alone." Ben said. "I'm glad that Joe's so happy and that he's in love. Trust me, he'll come down to earth quickly after the marriage. A honeymoon can only last so long."

"You talkin' from experience, Pa?" Adam asked. Ben looked at Adam to determine if Adam was being sardonic but he saw the teasing smile on Adam's face and relaxed. "There aren't many who know more than I do on the matter."

Adam smiled to himself and felt a twinge of envy that Joe was in love and that his father had been in love with three deserving women. He thought how nice it would be to fall in love again, to feel the joy upon seeing the loved one, to feel that fire that burns within and the sleepless nights and loss of appetite. To feel that madness again. But then Adam stopped himself. He remembered his father's grief at the loss of Inger and his practically inconsolable grief at the loss of Marie-and then he remembered his own pain and that all the pleasures of love were temporary-ephemeral, transitory-that nothing lasted. Nothing.

And with that idea running through his head, Adam decided that in the morning he would shave off his beard; he couldn't hide behind his beard forever. He had to come out sometime and reveal himself again, expose himself. So the next morning, he trimmed his beard, the whiskers falling into the bowl. Then he sharpened the blade with the razor strop and began the scraping away of the past five years.

TBC


	5. Part 5

PART 5

Adam tied Sport to the hitching rail in front of the barn at Will and Laura's small ranch. Adam hadn't been there in years. The house needed painting; the large chunks of paint looked as if they were desperately trying to pull themselves from the walls and only partially succeeding. One of the barn doors was hanging on by the top hinge only. Adam just shook his head. He had always seen the potential in the Running-D. It would never be in competition with the Ponderosa or any other large ranch in the area, but it could make a good profit for Will and Laura if they worked it properly.

Adam had made plans as he lay in bed the night before, sleep not coming easily. He concocted that he would tell Will how they, his family, could help him. Adam had also considered his argument to convince Will to join in the lumber business instead of keeping himself distant from the locus of the Cartwright family. But as Adam stood and looked at the property, he began to have his doubts.

He walked toward the house and as he came closer, he could hear Will and Laura's voices through a partially opened window. Adam knew that it would be eavesdropping to stand and listen but his curiosity won out and he stopped to do so, his head tilted to better catch their words. He also knew it was probably a damnable sin to revel in the misery of others but he felt a small sense of pleasure to know that it was not he who was at the receiving end of Laura's shrewish tongue that morning.

"I told you as soon as the pump starting acting up-as soon as the water was just dribbling out, that it had to be done. You've been telling me for weeks that you were going to fix it and you still haven't done it-you just keep putting it off. When I remind you, you say I'm nagging but what am I supposed to do? I can't keep going outside to fill a bucket and then drag it back in here. Just fix the pump!"

"Laura, I told you that I'd fix it but I don't have the tools."

"Well then, get them. Go over to Ben's and borrow the tools. And borrow Adam or Hoss as well to show you how to do it! I swear, Will, sometimes I wonder what you're good for. You're no good at fixing things, you don't know anything about cattle and now that Mr. Johnson quit and all the other men left with him-well, what are we going to do to get through the winter? I swear, Will…"

Adam stepped back, he slowly walked over to Sport, untied him and walked him a way off. Then Adam mounted and singing at the top of his voice, rode into the yard and up to the front porch where he dismounted. He hadn't even had time to tie Sport to the branch of the nearby tree when the door flew open and Peggy ran out and into Adam's arms.

"Well, well, well," Adam said after spinning her around and then putting her down in front of him. He leaned down, his hands on his knees. "Who's this beautiful young lady, I wonder?" Peggy stood grinning at him.

"You know it's me, Adam." Peggy blushed slightly and smiled broadly at him.

"The Peggy I remember didn't have all her teeth but you have all of yours so you couldn't be Peggy. And the Peggy I knew ran around in dungarees and you're wearing a dress. You sure you're Peggy? Let me hug you one more time to be sure." Adam hugged her again, lifting her off the ground as she giggled. "Well, you do hug like Peggy so I guess you are."

Peggy giggled. "You knew all along that it was me."

"Did not!" Adam exclaimed in false indignation. "But I do have a little gift that I brought back from way across the ocean so I'm going to give it to you, Peggy or not." Adam pulled a little packet out of his chest pocket and handed it to her. Peggy quickly unfolded the tissue and held out a thin sliver chain that had a pendant on it. It spun in the air and to look at it, Peggy dropped the tissue and held it in her hands.

"Oh, Adam. It's beautiful! Oh, thank you!" Peggy kept staring at the pendant, a delicately carved red coral rose. "It's the prettiest thing I've ever seen."

"Well, give me a 'thank you' kiss and then go ask your mother to help you put it on." Adam kneeled down and Peggy threw her arms around his neck and kissed Adam on the cheek. Then she turned and ran to her mother who had been watching on the porch. Will stood beside her holding a child of about three years and an older boy, about five years of age, was standing behind Laura's skirts. Adam stood up and smiled at both Will and Laura but Laura remained dour while Will gave a full grin.

"Mother, look at what Adam brought me. He said it came from across the sea. Would you put it on me?" She held the chain out to her mother and Laura told Peggy to turn around and clasped the chain. Then Peggy turned to face her mother, smiling, and asked, "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Yes, Peggy, it's very pretty. Now go inside, take Banks with you and watch your brothers while we talk to Adam. Okay? Will put Stewart down." Will obeyed.

"Okay," Peggy said, "and I love it, Adam. I'll never take it off." Peggy practically danced into the house, holding Stewart by the hand and dragging him behind her.

"She's growing up to be a pretty, little thing," Adam said. "She's getting to look more like you, Laura."

"Actually," Laura said, crossing her arms, "she looks more like Frank every day." Adam said nothing.

"What can I do you for, Adam?" Will said, walking down the porch steps.

"Maybe he came to find something else wrong. Just look around, Adam. Go ahead. Tell us that we don't know how to run a ranch. I'm surprised you didn't bring a pad and pencil so that you can make a list."

"Laura," Will said more sharply than anything he had said last night, "that's enough. Adam is a guest here and you don't have to snipe at him." Laura just turned and went into the house. "I'm sorry, Adam. Laura and I just had a little argument and she's taking it out on you; I haven't fixed the kitchen pump yet and…well, I really don't know how to do it. Don't blame her-it's all my fault."

"Let me take a look at it," Adam said. "I might be able to fix it."

"I'd appreciate that, Adam. C'mon inside. Afterwards, I promise you a cup of coffee and a plate of cookies. Besides, you haven't met Banks, our oldest boy or Stewart, our three year old. He's quite the boy."

Will led Adam into the kitchen and the baby, Tell was lying in a basket in the kitchen and Stewart was whining and crying as he hung on to Laura's skirts. Laura was trying to wash the dishes from breakfast and the pump for the sink was partially disassembled.

"Laura," Will said gently, "Adam says that he might be able to fix the pump. Do you think that you could let us at the sink?"

"Gladly!" Laura swooped down and picked up the three year old Stewart. "Bring Tell out here," Laura said to Will. "Maybe I'll even get to sit down for a while." She left the kitchen and Will and Adam looked at one another.

"Women," Adam said. "What are you gonna do?"

Will just gave a small laugh and picked up the basket with Tell tucked inside and took it into the parlor where Laura sat rocking Stewart; the gentle movements had calmed him somewhat and he was beginning to rub his eyes in an attempt to stay awake.

Adam looked at the pump and after a few moments of examination, he figured out what it was so that when Will walked back into the kitchen, Adam could explain to him, "What you need to do is replace the cylinder. See, what you have is a reciprocating plunger that pushes the water through a valve and then it's closed by suction on the way back and the water flows out. But instead of fixing it, if I were you, I'd replace the whole pump. Now they have double cylinder pumps which make it easier to pull up the water, pulls up more, and don't require as many pumps of the handle."

"Well, how much would that cost?" Will asked.

"Just a little more than the time and trouble it would take to fix this," Adam said.

Will mused. Then he answered, "I think that it's just going to have to wait."

Adam stood, his lips pursed. "I tell you what," Adam said. "I'll go into town, put it on our bill and install it."

"Oh, I can't let you do that, Adam," Will said. "It's asking too much."

"One, you didn't ask me and two, you're part of the family, remember?" Adam grinned at Will and Will finally agreed. Will walked Adam to the front door and he told Laura what Adam had proposed and Laura just glanced their way and continued her silent rocking. Adam felt embarrassed somehow for Will; it was never comfortable to see a man at odds with his wife and it was doubly uncomfortable for Adam because he realized that it could be he with four children to support and a discontented wife.

Will walked Adam outside and stood while Adam mounted.

"Want to come into town with me?" Adam asked, looking down at Will who stood with his hands in his pockets.

"I don't think I should-Laura would only accuse me of running off and having a good time with you while leaving her with four children to take care of and I just don't want to hear it. Besides, if I rode out today, I might just keep on riding." Will gazed off into the distance. "You know, I envy you, Adam. I envy that you just took off five years ago-just went off to follow your urge to travel."

Adam looked deeply at Will; he had always felt that he and Will were alike in many ways and this only confirmed his opinion. "I would think that you would consider yourself the lucky man."

"If you consider being married with four children lucky," Will said. "I don't know, Adam. Maybe it's just a bad day, but when the wind turns and the seasons change, I get the urge to just pick up and go. What do the poets call it?"

"Wanderlust. Stronger than the lust for a woman." Adam felt not just sympathy but empathy for Will as well. He knew how hard it was not to answer the call to go-just shun all the responsibilities that clutch at you, that cling and drag you down like lead anchors. He knew what it was like.

"Consider yourself, lucky, Adam, not to be married and not to have children. It all sounds as if it's the greatest happiness that any man can find but…" Then Will suddenly remembered Adam's ill-fated love, the woman who had been the reason for his taking off and leaving. "Oh…I'm sorry, Adam. I forgot about…I guess that comment was tactless."

"Don't worry about it," Adam said grinning. "That was a lifetime ago."

So Adam just told Will that he'd be back in about an hour and then, after the pump, he'd help Will fix the hinge on the barn door. He turned Sport's head and left for Virginia City.

It wasn't until Adam was free of the Running D that he felt a sense of relief-somehow the sun seemed brighter once he was away-the house had a sense of despair. "But then," Adam thought, "it's just me-I feel despair when I see how things have fallen apart that had such promise." In that clump of "things," Adam included Will and Laura's marriage. So as he rode, Adam made a mental note of taking a buckboard into town tomorrow and picking up some paint for the house as well as a scraper and a box of three-penny nails. He noted that he should probably bring a hammer as well. Adam told himself that Hoss would have to come-Will probably wouldn't be of much assistance.

Adam tied Sport to the railing in front of hardware store and before entering, he thought he would stop by the mercantile and pick up some penny candy for Peggy. Laura would probably protest and accuse him of thinking they were too poor to even buy candy for their own children but he knew that Peggy would be happy.

Adam looked into the window of the dress shop that came before Sampson's Mercantile and glanced in the large window of a milliner's that showed various hats on display and then he stopped. Lucy Fairmont, little Tag-along Lucy, was inside and she wasn't shopping; she was helping a woman try on various hats. Lucy had her back partially turned to the window but in the mirror, she saw Adam in the street looking in and Adam saw her face reflected in the mirror as well; she looked surprised and then he noticed how she quickly composed herself. Adam smiled to himself-Lucy never could hide how she felt.

Adam walked inside and Lucy turned at the sound of the little bell jangling. Madame Millais, the owner of the shop, came out from the back.

"Oui, Monsieur, is there something I can get for you? Perhaps you buy a chapeau for a wife, no?" Madame was a slender, tall, French woman with a pinched nose. She stood in front of Adam, examining him in his black felt Stetson and his suede jacket, to decide how much he could afford, not knowing that he was of the Cartwright family. Had she known, she would have been even more obsequious.

"Thank you," Adam said, "but I'll wait until Miss Fairmont is free. It's she with whom I have business." Adam made a point of speaking precisely; he was aware that most French, particularly the women, had disdain for what they considered ignorant, brutish cowboys.

Adam smiled his most ingratiating, charming smile and apparently it worked because Madame Millais blushed and then said, "Very well." and turned to go into the back again but before she closed the curtains behind her, she turned to Adam and said with a coy look, "If you find that you need someone with more, 'ow do you say, 'experience' with what you require, just let me know. Call for me. I am 'ere until at least six in the evening-just the time for un repas ce soir." Then, with a small smile at Adam, she let the curtains close behind her.

Adam leaned against the glass-topped counter and watched Lucy as she helped the customer with one hat after another until the woman finally threw up her hands and said, "Enough. I don't know why none of these hats are flattering me. You would think that you'd have something in this store that was decent. You, young woman, have been absolutely no help at all."

Adam wanted to tell her that none of the hats were flattering to her because she had the looks of a sow and the temperament as well but instead, he just grinned and tipped his hat to her as he moved to hold open the door. She swept by him, barely glancing at him, and stormed out of the store. Madam Millais peeked through the curtains at the sound of the bell and Adam just nodded her way and then she quickly pulled the curtains to again. Adam could picture the shop owner standing directly behind the curtains, her ears primed to hear their conversation.

"What are you doing here, Adam?" Lucy said as she placed the many hats back on their stands and adjusted their decorations. "Are you here to buy a hat? How about a pair of women's gloves? We've just received the loveliest shipment of lambskin gloves in shades of gray, fawn, and some even in a light blue. Very supple and soft-perfect for the colder weather coming up."

"I think I'll pass for the moment. I, um, saw you through the window and wondered what you were doing working as a shop girl. Were you a naughty girl and your parents kicked you out? They making you support yourself now?" Adam grinned at Lucy. She gave him a look of patient tolerance.

"I see you've shaved off your beard," Lucy said, glancing up at him.

"You're just as perceptive as ever."

"If by that, you mean that I could always see what an ass you are, then I guess I am." Lucy walked over to the counter and starting rearranging the gloves and ladies' handkerchiefs. "I can't say though, that shaving off your beard is necessarily an improvement."

Adam laughed and she looked up, surprised. It had been so long since she had heard him laugh or even seen him smile; it took her aback.

"Actually, Adam, I'm working because I've reached the age where I am no longer in my prime-no longer considered marriageable, considered 'a catch,' so to speak. So, being a 'spinster,' as they say, I decided that I should earn a living for myself instead of expecting my parents to take care of me my whole life-or theirs." She placed her hands in front of her on the counter, calmly intertwining the fingers of both hands. "Does that answer your question?"

Adam looked at Lucy, seeing her again as if for the first time in years-like the time he had seen her in the street of Virginia City the first day he returned home. She had the calmest hazel eyes and a gentle, lush mouth and the loveliest auburn hair. To him, she seemed anything but unmarriageable. He resisted the urge to reach out and caress her cheek, to cup her chin with his hand and lean into a kiss with her. "Why do you say you're unmarriageable? If you think you're unattractive, you're wrong-at least not yet."

"Why how very generous of you." Lucy knew that Adam was teasing her; he had often done so when she was young and would hang around the Ponderosa, tagging along behind him. Adam she knew, always tempered his compliments with a bit of sardonic humor-he never wanted to reveal the true depth of his feelings; she knew that about him. "But to answer your question, Adam, most women my age have already been married seven, eight years and have three or four children by now. Have you forgotten my age?"

"No. No, I haven't forgotten. I'm always aware of how young you are and by comparison, how old I am." Adam felt that familiar feeling of regret flood him again, the same feeling he had whenever he thought of Lucy, the same feeling that he had that night in the barn, the night of Joe's and Polly's engagement party when he had roughly pushed her away and left her all alone after he had taken her in his arms, after he had held her and pressed his lips against her soft, scented hair and then crushed her mouth with his, desperate for her. Adam became uncomfortable as he remembered. "Well, I just stopped in to say hello. I do have an actual reason for coming to town-to buy a pump." He stood, waiting for her to say something before he left; he felt the air hanging empty between them.

"I'm glad that you stopped in, Adam. I know that I must make you uncomfortable and I appreciate what it must have taken for you to come in." Lucy looked down at her hands. "At Joe's and Polly's engagement party, I don't think I truly appreciated how much you had, well, how much pain you had suffered in the past and so all I could think about was myself and how I felt." She looked at Adam and their eyes steadily met. "I would guess that since I told you how I felt about you that, well, you would want to avoid me-so I am glad that you came in. I hope that you can understand that my feelings were those of a childhood crush and that I wasn't thinking clearly and I also hope that we can still be on friendly terms." Lucy marveled at how she could tell a boldfaced lie but she wanted to put Adam at ease. She still loved him and knew she always would. The gray at his temples, his disfigured cheek, none of that detracted from his beauty in her opinion but only made her love him more and she felt a depth of compassion when she thought of him that was so strong that it almost swept her away with its intensity.

Adam nodded and then left the store, the bell jangling behind him. At the sound, Madame Millais came out from the back.

"Lucy, who is that man?" She asked in her heavy French accent as she moved to the window and tried to watch him go.

"That-is Adam Cartwright," Lucy said quietly.

"Adam Cartwright? He is one of them? The wealthy family, non?"

"Yes, he is one of them."

"And you were, as you say, in love with him?" Madam Millais looked at Lucy. Lucy was a pretty woman, actually a beautiful woman if one liked her sort, Madam thought. Lucy looked slightly French with her high cheekbones and the slight slant to her eyes. That was why Madam had hired her, because Lucy added a touch of gentility to her establishment along with an exotic beauty. She was well-spoken and best of all, unmarried-no husband or children to pull her away from the shop. Madame hoped she would stay that way and was much relieved when she had heard Lucy tell the Cartwright man that her feelings for him, other than friendship, were in the past. She had also seen the way the man had looked at Lucy, the way he had watched her and Madame knew something Lucy did not; that the Cartwright man had strong feelings for her-feelings of which he himself was probably unaware.

"No," Lucy lied. "I had a small crush on him when I was a girl-that's all." Lucy walked out from behind the counter and started straightening up the hats, smoothing feathers, adjusting veils and fluffing the silk flowers.

"Bon-good." Madam Millais said. "'He is too old for you anyway, my Lucy. Leave him to a woman such as myself, ma petite, one who knows the way around such an interesting man. He is a…a...conundrum. I think that is the word, is it not?"

"Yes," Lucy said. "That is the exact word. A conundrum."

TBC


	6. Part 6

PART 6

Adam spent the rest of the afternoon installing the new pump for Will and Laura. Adam patiently explained to Will how a pump works and about priming the pump first if there seems to be a problem. He also explained about the outside pumps and how in freezing weather, it might be necessary to heat the outside with a firebrand in case any residual water had frozen and ice was blocking the pipe. Will thanked him and then he and Adam went out and with quite a bit of struggling, the two men managed to fix the heavy barn door. But, Adam thought, it could have waited for another day; they only had the two horses and nothing of much value inside.

As Adam was just about to leave, Laura came out and politely asked him if he would care to stay for dinner but he declined. One, he wasn't certain how much food they had to spare and second, although Adam cared for children, had always had an affinity with them, the chaos of four children, three under six years of age, was too much for him; the solitude he had come to cherish after a day full of interactions with others was now necessary. Besides, he needed time to think about Lucy and what had passed between them; he had felt oddly unsatisfied after he left her. After Laura had gone into the house, Adam asked, "Why haven't you asked for help before, Will?"

"What?" Will said, only half joking, And admit that I'm a failure? Never!"

"I'm serious, Will. You're family and family does for one another. This place is in such disrepair…" Adam stopped himself. He noticed Will's expression; Adam hadn't meant to sound critical, just helpful. "When Pa needed you these past few years that I've been gone, he called on you and you helped and you can call on us-anytime-we'll help. Don't be proud, Will. Just call on us, just ask us."

"Thanks, Adam," Will said. "I know that what you said is true but I've been, well, I guess I had been on my own for so long that it's hard for me to ask anyone for anything. Even while my father was alive, well, enough said about that, I left home as soon as I could-I always wanted to be on the move. But I do have to change though, I know that." Will looked down at his boots, scuffing one toe into the dirt. "It's not just me anymore. When I was roaming by myself, if there was no food, I went without but it's hard to ignore a hungry, crying baby and a wife who berates you for not properly providing-at least not in her opinion. Do you know that Laura even suggested that I get a job in town-at the bank with Mr. Fairmont?"

Adam felt a small thrill go through him at the mention of Lucy's father. Every time Adam heard Lucy's name from anyone, even her last name, it was like a magic word, a chant-"Lucy, Lucy, Lucy..." that had a special meaning only to him; he kept it to himself, only whispering it to the darkness at night when he though of her and remembered her slender waist and the rise of her breasts, the taste of her mouth and the sound of her voice-he didn't want to share her name with anyone else-it might break the spell, destroy the invisible connection between the two of them.

"Well, I tell you what," Adam said as he mounted his horse, "Hoss and I'll come over tomorrow and we'll start on the house. With the three of us, we should have it scraped in a few hours and then the next day, we'll paint it. I guarantee that the paint alone will make Laura feel better and more, oh, how shall we say, 'affectionate' toward you."

"I hope not, Adam, at least not too affectionate," Will said smiling, "I don't need another mouth to feed!"

Adam laughed and headed for home; he hadn't missed the truth of Will's statement.

Ben was in the midst of a very loud discussion with Hop Sing about the wedding reception when Adam arrived home; Joe was sitting on the settee, his head in his hands.

"What's going on?' Adam asked.

Joe looked up and sighed. "Well, Pa has very definite ideas on what he wants at the reception and Hop Sing has his own. And then, Mrs. Sampson wants the hotel's baker to come out here and bake the cake the day before the reception so that they don't have to move it from town to here. Hop Sing is having a fit saying that he doesn't want anyone else in his kitchen except, of course, his hundreds of cousins who are coming to help him out, and that's what's going on."

Adam laughed. "The course of true love…" He said taking off his jacket, gun belt and hat.

"I swear, Adam, the closer the wedding gets, the worse things become. Even Polly and I are always arguing." Joe watched as Adam walked over to the sideboard, took out a bottle of whiskey, and poured himself a glass; Adam rarely drank during the day except a beer in town. "Something wrong on your end?"

Adam smiled as he sat down in his father's favorite chair. "This is a celebration," Adam said. Joe looked puzzled. "I just spent practically the whole day at the Running D helping put things right-at least as far as the property is concerned, and after that, I am celebrating the fact that I never married Laura." Adam raised his glass as in a toast. "To Will Cartwright who threw himself on his own sword to save me. I salute you!" Adam took a slug from the glass.

"Is it that bad?" Joe asked, sitting back. He had been so involved with Polly during the past two years that he barely, if ever, thought about Will and Laura. He knew they had three boys now but if asked, at the moment he would be hard-put to name them.

"In my opinion, yes. At least it would be bad for me." Adam leaned over, the glass in his hands.

"You think that I should take this as a bad omen?" Joe asked, only half-kidding. He had had qualms about getting married, often wondering if he was taking the right step. He loved Polly and she loved him and he was friendly with her parents; they were thrilled that their daughter was marrying into a prestigious family but sometimes at night, Joe would jerk awake, covered with sweat-not out of sexual dreams about Polly, but in abject fear of making a mistake by marrying her.

Adam laughed. "Getting cold feet?"

"Cold feet? That's an understatement. My feet get so cold that I can't feel anything-try frozen feet! Why is it I can't be sure, Adam? Why can't I know? I thought people are supposed to know. That's what Pa always said, what he always told me, that I would know. That I would just know who the right person was. But I tell you, Adam, I'd be a damned liar if I said that I was certain."

"Funny thing," Adam said, "we always know when we're doing the wrong thing but never sure if we're doing the right thing. Now what you have to decide is this, do you know that you're doing the wrong thing and just trying to talk yourself into it, or, do you think you are doing the right thing and then think you're not. You're the only one who knows for sure about this debate that's going on in your head." Adam rose and went to pour himself another drink and then stopped. He placed the glass on the sideboard and turned to Joe. "I need to go clean up. And I hope to hell that Hop Sing doesn't quit and go back to China before dinner. I'm as hungry as Hoss."

Joe laughed. "So you're saying that Hop Sing needs to fix a whole cow for dinner tonight?" Adam gave a small chuckle and headed for the wash room. "Oh, Adam," Joe said. Adam stopped and turned. "Thanks for coming back home. I wouldn't want to go through my wedding without my oldest brother there. And also…thanks for listening to me. I don't feel that I can tell Pa that I, well, that I wonder sometimes about getting married-if I should or not." Adam winked at Joe and went out and Joe sat back, more relaxed than he had been all day. It was comforting having Adam back, to have him watching over Joe as he always had.

Hop Sing sullenly put dinner on the table as Ben sat frowning. Joe and Adam sat at their places, Adam with an amused look on his face and Joe with an anxious look; he didn't like discord in the family. Hop Sing muttered in Chinese under his breath, every so often, letting the tone of his voice become sharper and then he went back into the kitchen, his voice rising and becoming louder the further he went.

"Did you and your 'wife' have a fight?" Adam asked. Joe giggled. "Not speaking to one another?"

"It's not funny, Adam," Ben said, "but I don't think you realize what a mess this whole wedding reception has become." Ben stabbed his piece of ham.

"Pa, it's become a big mess because everyone has let it get that way. Joe told me the issue about the cake so why not just let the hotel's baker make it in town and let them have the responsibility of bringing it out. They may not want to but it's a compromise. Besides, Hop Sing makes a better cake than any I've tasted anywhere in town."

At that, Hop Sing who had obviously been listening, came out of the kitchen. "Mistah Adam right. I make cake for wedding-you and his mother, I make cake for you then, I make cake for son!" Hop Sing stomped off to the kitchen, a scowl still on his face.

"I think I see what it is, Pa," Adam said. "it's not about someone else in his kitchen so much as that Hop Sing feels shunned-insulted, as if he's not important to the family."

Ben sat for a moment, not eating. "But there's the other food," he said looking at Adam across the table. "He's making that."

"It's not the same thing. Hop Sing's always been a part of the family and I think he's highly injured by this." Adam played with his food, swirling the peas with his fork. 'I can always see to the core of everyone's problems but my own,' he thought. 'I guess it's all just where you stand that gives you your perspective.'

"I'm going to have a talk with Hop Sing," Ben said rising from his seat and placing his napkin on the table. "I think that I'll have some crow to eat tonight and tomorrow. I'll go have a talk with Mrs. Sampson about having Hop Sing bake the cake. I'll tell her it's a Cartwright tradition. You want to come with me, Joe?" Ben looked eagerly at his son.

Joe scooped out a fork-full of mashed potatoes and shoved them in his mouth. Adam grinned at Joe's actions. "No thanks, Pa," Joe said, his mouth full. "I'll leave that joyful experience up to you." And Ben went into the kitchen to make peace in the household.

Ben had just come back to the table when Hoss came in. He was always a presence in a room. No matter what, all eyes turned to see the huge man who radiated natural good humor. He threw his hat on the credenza and then unbuckled his gun belt and curling it up, placed it beside his hat.

"Bolt the door, would you, Hoss?" Ben always had to tell Hoss to bolt the door-it seemed that Hoss' natural trust in human nature led him to neglect the ordinary precautions others took as habit.

"Sure, Pa," Hoss said, doing so. "Hey, Adam, I got some news for you." Hoss took his seat at the table and stabbed three pieces of ham at one time and placed them on his plate. Next he reached for the bowl of mashed potatoes. "Scuse my reach, Adam," Hoss said.

"You could ask for them to be passed to you," Adam said.

"Nah," Hoss replied, "takes too long. I'd starve before you'd get it to me." Hoss was scooping peas on his plate, tilting the bowl to move them onto his plate faster. "Oh, Adam," Hoss said, cutting the ham slices, all three at one time, "'member Gloria, um…what was her maiden name?"

Adam looked disgustedly at Hoss. "I don't know. All I can think of is that mash I see in your wide-open jaws. Eat first and then talk."

Hoss guffawed and then took another bite. "Well, she done come back to Virginia City. It seems that back east where she's been livin', she got a divorce from that man she married."

"Peters, that's was her maiden name. Peters," Joe added, proud that he remembered.

"Yeah, that's it, Peters. She done come back here to be near her parents-or so she said. I ran into her in town and, Pa, she said to give you her regards and Adam, she done asked about you too."

"So?" Adam said.

"You and she had a thing once, right?" Hoss asked.

"Wrong. I saw her a few times, took her to a dance or two but that was it. I don't think you could call that a thing."

"Well, she's still 'bout near as pretty as she was all those years ago. You oughta seen her. And like I done said, Adam, she asked 'bout you?"

"So she has good manners. What else?" Adam wasn't actually interested. She had been pretty enough and nice enough but he had found her dull-it had always been such an effort to talk to her, to make conversation.

"Nothin'," Hoss said. "just thought you'd wanna know, that's all."

"Well, thank you for telling me. Now, if there's no more earth-shattering news, I'm off to bed. And Hoss, tomorrow you and I are going to take a buckboard over to the Running D and help paint their house so you had better turn in early too."

"Wait a minute," Ben said. "is it bad over there?" Ben felt guilty about not keeping up with his nephew lately.

"Yeah, Pa. It's bad. I'll, tell you about it later. You have enough to worry about so let me worry about this." And Adam went up the stairs to bed, hoping that he wouldn't have any disturbing dreams. Wide-awake life was disturbing enough.

TBC


	7. Part 7

PART 7

Adam, Hoss and Will were scraping the old paint off the front of the house when Adam heard a buggy pull up and driving was Gloria Peters. He stopped scraping and waiting until she pulled up, he walked down the porch steps to greet her while Hoss and Will stood watching.

"She's pretty," Will said. "Did Adam and she have a romance?"

"I dunno," Hoss said to Will. "With Adam you never really know. He don't share much how he feels. Why when he was serious over Laura and we..." Hoss stopped himself. "I didn't mean nothin', Will."

Will laughed. "I was here, remember?" He patted Hoss on the shoulder. "Don't be so worried about my feelings."

"I guess I shouldn't be." Hoss genuinely liked Will and hoped that he was happy with Laura-but to Hoss, it sure didn't seem that way.

"Gloria," Adam said, leaning over to kiss her in greeting, "Hoss told me that you were back in Virginia City but what are you doing out here?" Hoss had been correct, Adam thought, Gloria was just as pretty as she had always been with her blue eyes and her strawberry-blonde hair. There were a few more wrinkles around her eyes but she was still lovely. But he noticed that she was staring at the scar slashed across his cheekbone, the lines around his eyes and the graying of his hair. He knew how much he had changed.

Will and Hoss walked over to the buggy. "Oh, Gloria," Adam said, "you remember my cousin, Will?"

"Yes, but we've never been introduced. How do you do?"

"Will," Adam said, "this is Gloria…what's your married name? I'm sorry. I…"

"Melville. Gloria Melville."

"It's a pleasure to know you ma'am." Will grinned at Gloria; he thought she was lovely and envied Adam. "Well, Hoss, while Adam romances the lady, you and I should get back to our menial labor. Nice to meet you, ma'am."

"Thank you, the same here," Gloria said. "And, Hoss, it's good to see you again." Hoss tipped his hat.

"Anything between Adam and her?" Will asked as they walked back to the house.

"Now you just wait a minute," Hoss said. "I hope that you ain't got a wanderin' eye. You got a passel of kids to take care of and a pretty little wife."

"No, Hoss," Will answered. "I just was wondering if they were ever serious."

Hoss glanced back at Gloria and Adam talking. Adam was leaning on the buggy and Gloria smiling up at him. "Nothin' that I could ever see and he says, no-but that was then," And Hoss and Will turned back to their scraping of the paint and Hoss noticed that Will kept looking at Gloria. Hoss couldn't help but feel a little leery; maybe Will did have a wandering eye. He and Laura had been married for over six years and having three children in that short time, well, it's a burden on a man-and his wife. And for the first time, Hoss felt pity for Will and his situation. Will had always said, like Hoss, that he wasn't a marrying man but for Will, it had been because he couldn't stay in one place long enough to make a marriage viable, and here he was, trapped and unhappy and totally unfit to be a rancher and a family man. But Hoss quickly dismissed his thoughts on Will and went back to thinking that they'd never finish scraping the house if Adam didn't hurry up and get back to work.

"Why did you come out all this way? To see me?" Adam asked Gloria.

"As a matter of fact, yes," Gloria said, giving Adam what she considered her most charming smile.

"Well, I'm flattered," Adam said. "This is quite a trip out for you but how did you know where I was?"

"Well," Gloria said, "I stopped by the Ponderosa. It's been so long since we saw each other that I hoped we could catch up. You can only imagine how disappointed I was that you weren't home so I suppose, mainly because I was so very sad not to have caught you at home, that your father insisted that I attend Joe's wedding this coming Saturday. So-since I would really like to attend-there are so many people I haven't seen since I came back to town and…oh yes, shame on you, Adam Cartwright, for not coming into town to see me. I thought we were old friends."

"Well, work around the Ponderosa takes up most of my time."

"I'll give you a treat then. I need an escort to your brother's wedding. I mean, I can't very well go by myself-it would look bad so I was wondering, as an old friend, if you would escort me?"

"Well, I hadn't planned on escorting anyone-I'm the best man and I…"

"Oh, please, Adam." Gloria looked at him, her eyes as sad as she could make them.

"All right," Adam said. "As an old friend."

"Oh, good," she said, smiling broadly. "I'll expect you about what? Five? I think that's about the time that your father said you needed to be at the church."

"All right, five it is." Adam stepped back so that Gloria could turn the buggy around and head back to town. Suddenly, she reined in the horse and turned to Adam.

"And, Adam. You can meet my children-a boy and a girl. I have to remember to ask Mrs. Branch to watch them that night so that we can stay out late. And maybe, since you'll be at church Sunday morning anyway, you can come get us and we can all go to church together. I'll give you dinner-or maybe we could all go on a picnic. My children love picnics. What do you say, Adam?" She smiled at him, tilting her head to look flirtatious.

"I'm afraid not, Gloria. I'm not much of a church-going man anymore. But," Adam said in a false whisper, "I've never known Hoss to pass up a basket of fried chicken." Gloria looked surprised and then disappointed.

"What's that I hear?" Hoss said from the side of the house where he was now working. Adam laughed.

"Nothing, Hoss," Gloria said, no longer smiling. "Just a little joke of Adam's." Gloria didn't find Hoss particularly appealing although he was as wealthy as Adam and probably more reliable. But she had set her bonnet for Adam and was determined to try her best to have him as a husband. She confirmed their plans for the wedding and Gloria drove away, not a truly satisfied woman.

Hoss, Adam and Will worked until Laura called them in to eat. She had already fed the children but Peggy wanted to sit at the table to talk to Adam and Hoss. She told Adam how Traveler had come down sick and that they had to put him down. Adam asked Peggy if she would like another horse, that they had so many horses at the Ponderosa that they were tripping over them. Peggy laughed at the mental picture but Laura told Adam that for one thing, Peggy was too old now to go riding around with her skirts flying up and second, they would buy a horse for any of their children themselves. Did Adam think that Will was a poor relative who couldn't even provide for his own family?

Peggy slid away from the table, giving Adam a soulful look before she disappeared into the next room; Adam wished he could join her and get away.

"Laura," Will said sharply, "I would think that you would be grateful for anything my family offers us."

"Yes, YOUR family," Laura said, standing by the table. Hoss looked down into his plate and Adam rested his elbows on the table, his hands crossed and his mouth pressed against them. He was close to telling Laura exactly what he thought which was not anything particularly pleasant. "And don't give me that superior look, Adam Cartwright. Sometimes I wish you had never returned!" Laura stomped out of the room and a few seconds later, they could hear a door slam in another part of the house.

"I'm sorry, Will. I didn't mean to start anything," Adam said.

"It doesn't take much to set her off anymore. And I don't know why it is but it seems that lately, she's gotten worse. Everyone around here is catching it-me, the two older boys, Peggy-there's nothing we can do right as far as she's concerned so consider yourself lucky to have survived with the skin still on your back-that she hasn't lashed it off with that sharp tongue of hers."

The three men went back to their meal-no one saying anything and Hoss started wondering if maybe Adam's return had anything to do with Laura's pique. Time would tell.

That evening at dinner, Hoss and Adam talked about the fact that the disrepair at the Running D was worse than Adam had originally surmised.

"What do you mean, Adam?" Joe asked.

"Well, other than the house and the barn needing upkeep, half their fencing is down and they have no idea how many beeves they lost because they just wandered away. Their stock is also in bad shape. Will needs to move the few he has to better pasture. I mean winter is coming on and with their foreman and all his hands having quit-well, Will just can't do it himself. How did the place get so bad?" Although Laura and Will's place wasn't that close, it wasn't that far either, only an hour's ride away. Their properties weren't contiguous except inn one area so Adam didn't doubt that some of the Running-D's cattle were in with theirs.

"I guess it's my fault," Ben said.

"Now, Pa," Hoss said, "it ain't none of it your fault. Will's a grown man and he knows that he can ask for help anytime." Hoss then turned to Adam. "I used to stop by there sometimes and not Will or Laura ever said a thing to me about problems. And I ain't like you, older brother. I ain't always pointin' out the things that are wrong."

"I'd point out what's wrong with you but we'd be sitting here all night," Adam said.

Everyone laughed but a worried look came back on Ben's face. "He's my only brother's son and I should look after him more."

"Well, you're so busy looking after this one," Adam pointed his fork in Joe's direction, "that you don't have time for anyone else. Wait until he becomes Polly's problem-then you can worry about Will."

"You just wait, Adam," Hoss said. "From what I saw today, you'll have a thing or two to worry about yourself once Gloria Peters-I mean Melville, hooks you."

"What?" Joe asked, "What's this?" He turned quickly from Hoss to Adam and back again,

"It's nothing," Adam said. "I'm just escorting Gloria to the wedding. And thanks, Pa, for putting me in that position."

"Don't look at me," Ben said. "She more or less invited herself and asked if I thought you would take her. I just told her where you were and that she'd have to ask you herself."

"Well, she done got him good," Hoss said and he and Joe just laughed while Adam looked annoyed and Ben smiled.

Lucy was in the shop, sitting at one of the chairs trying on hats to decide which one she should buy for Joe and Polly's wedding when Madame Millais came out from the back.

"Why, Lucy," she said, "what a charming chapeau pour vous. You look, how do you say, ah, yes-enchanting."

Lucy took the hat off and put it back on its stand. "Thank you, Madame, but it actually isn't the color I need. I wanted to wear a new hat to a friend's wedding but my dress is a dark blue. If we only had the hat in dark blue."

Madame Millais paused for a moment. "Wait right here-I have a surprise for you." Madame Millais gave a little grin to Lucy and went into the back and in a few moments came out fluffing the feathers of a small hat." "This, ma chere, is straight from Paris. I was going to order duplicates made-the Peau de Soie is far too dear for the people here in Virginia City to appreciate, but you, my Lucy, with your skin and your hair, why you will set it off beautifully!" Madame handed the hat to Lucy. "Now try it on-let me see if my eye is as good as it always was."

"Oh, Madame, it's beautiful!" Lucy put on the hat and immediately fell in love with it-she knew that Adam would admire her in this hat; it was saucy yet elegant and the feathers gave it a touch of sophistication that went far beyond Virginia City. Others would probably compliment her as well, she thought, but Adam was the only one of concern. Lucy took off the hat to admire it. "But, Madame, I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to afford it."

"Ma chere," Madame Millais said, "do you not think I know that? I am the one who pays you, non? Therefore, I say, you must wear it to the wedding and if anyone asks where you found such a beautiful hat, you must say at Madame Millais'. After the women at the wedding see you in that, as beautiful as you look in it, I will be flooded with the orders. I am business woman first and kind woman second. Now, what do you say?"

Lucy ran her fingers over the dusty blue of the Peau de Soie. It had a dull, flat sheen that set off the short blue and black feathers beautifully and it would go with her dress. "Oh, thank you, Madame. Thank you."

"Bon," Madame said. "now, someone is coming in. You will give me the chapeau and I will put in the back. You do not want the customer to covet the hat, n'est pas?" Madame took the hat and a woman walked in to the accompaniment of the jangling bell. Madame had spirited off the hat just in time.

"May I help you with something," Lucy asked, still smiling and glowing from the thought of a new hat. Lucy sized up the woman-Madame had taught her many things in the short time that Lucy had worked for her. Lucy had learned how to examine a woman's face shape and complexion to decide what size hat and what shape of hat would be most flattering. That was far more important than the color of her eyes but if a hat flattered both, it was a find. The woman was lovely and had strawberry-blonde hair and deep blue eyes; Lucy was happy that Madame had taken the dusty blue hat away-this woman would have wanted it and demanded it.

"Yes," the woman said. She had a child with her, a girl about four years old. "I need a new hat for a wedding this Saturday evening- my dress is of a dark pink color so I was thinking of something in a deep maroon." Lucy blanched; for one, the woman must be attending Joe Cartwright's wedding and two, she knew that the hat shouldn't be darker than the dress.

"Mommy, I'm hungry," the child said, tugging on her mother's skirt.

"Brenda, I told you that I need to buy a hat. Then we'll go home."

Lucy felt empathy for the child. She knew what it had been like when she was a child and her mother thwarted her efforts to take off on her little gray horse and ride out to the Ponderosa. "Wait a moment," Lucy said to the woman, "I may have something. I'll be right back." Lucy went into the back where Madame was unpacking hats. Madame had a sweet tooth so there was always a jar of candy in the back. Lucy said to Madame as she drew out some pieces of licorice, "A whining child."

"Mon Dieu! Stuff its mouth with everything to quiet the horror!" Madame was not one to suffer children. Lucy just smiled and took the licorice out to the front, and after asking the mother for permission, presented it to the little girl who smiled and took it and sitting on a chair, began to bite off pieces from the whip and enjoy them.

"I want that hat," the woman said, pointing to a red hat on a stand.

"May I show you others as well?" Lucy said. "and do you have a swatch of the dress or can you find a similar color to the dress here? I think that perhaps the red hat may not be flattering-it may bring out the ruddiness in your skin."

"Ruddiness? Are you trying to insult me?" The woman looked up at Lucy, not quite sure how to take the comment.

"No, I just thought that you might like to try on other hats as well that may be more flattering."

"Why? So you can sell me the most expensive hat in the shop?"

"No, so that you can be happy with the hat." Lucy wondered why the woman was so contrary. If she had wanted to sell her the most expensive hat, it would have been the blue Peau de Soie

"Very well," the woman said. "As long as you bring me the red hat as well." The woman took a deep sigh and removed that hat she had on. She patted her hair and sat back while Lucy brought over the red hat and a few others that she felt would be flattering.

As they discussed hats and Lucy adjusted the hat to find the most flattering angle for her face, Lucy asked if it was Joe Cartwright's wedding that she was attending.

"Yes, yes, it is." the woman said. "How do you know about that?'

"Well," Lucy said, "everyone in town knows that Joe is getting married this Saturday and I'm going myself."

The woman turned around and looked at Lucy straight on, not in the reflection in the mirror. "But you're a mere shop girl. Why would you be invited?"

Lucy flushed and she wanted to slap the woman. But she kept her equanimity and replied, "I'm a friend of Joe's. We were in school together and have known each other practically all our lives."

"Oh," the woman said turning back around, "then I suppose you also know Adam Cartwright. He's my escort to the wedding so I want to look particularly nice. Now hand me that red hat with the white roses."

Lucy handed her the hat and when the woman put it on, Lucy thought it was still a dreadful choice and when the woman decided to purchase it, Lucy felt a deep satisfaction; she looked a fright in it today and she would also look so Saturday.

TBC


	8. Part 8

PART 8

Adam wasn't sure, as he began to dress that he wanted to be a best man; Hoss was sharing the honor with him but for some reason that Adam couldn't understand, he was sweating and his hands were slightly shaking. He couldn't tie his tie properly and kept trying to redo it.

"Damn it all to hell," he said, pulling the tie off completely. He sat on the edge of his bed and tried to calm himself. There was a knock on the partially open door and Joe stuck his head in. Adam smiled at Joe's expression. He and Hoss had taken Joe into town last night and they had met his friends at the Bucket of Blood where they had drunk and toasted Joe. Not only that, but the saloon girls sat on his lap, stroked his hair and smothered him in kisses. Adam had just sat back and smiled at Joe's discomfort as the other men hooted and the women tried in every conceivable way to lure Joe upstairs for one last fling as a single man but Joe steadfastly refused, even when he was embarrassingly drunk. At that point, when Joe stared to cry and declare his unending love for Polly, Adam knew it was time to take Joe home so Adam paid the tab and he and Hoss practically had to tie Joe to Cochise's saddle to keep him on. It took hours to get home because if they rode any quicker than a slow trot, Joe would have toppled off his horse. And here it was, the morning after, and Joe's face reflected his misery.

"You got a minute, Adam?" Joe asked.

"Sure, baby brother. Come in and tell me what's the matter, just don't tell me you want to back out of the wedding. The only person who'd be happy to hear that would be Hoss-then he could eat that wedding cake of Hop Sing's all by himself."

Joe entered the room and sat on the bed alongside Adam. "I'm worried about tonight-the wedding night."

"Oh, damn," Adam said, rubbing his face. He gave a deep sigh and looked over at Joe whose eyes were wide with supplication. This was a turn of events that Adam-and he was sure Pa-hadn't considered. "C'mon, Joe. You're not some untried virgin. Hell, you've gone upstairs with Maisie more times than anyone could count, probably more times than you'll be with Polly in your entire marriage. You know what to do. Why are you worried?"

"Because Polly might not know what to do," Joe said quietly. "I'm not sure that I know how to treat someone who hasn't ever-Adam, I don't know that she even knows what we're supposed to do-what to expect." Joe stared at the floor.

Adam suddenly wasn't nervous anymore about standing up for Joe in the front of the church-Joe needed his support. "Joe, I'm sure that Polly has an idea, if not having the exact idea, what's to be done on a wedding night. I mean she has friends who're married and they probably talk. Do you think her mother would let her go off not knowing what to expect tonight?" Suddenly Adam's thoughts flew to Laura and what she had told him about her wedding night, how afraid she had been and how much she had wanted her mother and how she cried for her. From that first moment, the moment that Frank Dayton had shown no sympathy, their marriage was doomed. It had been then, on their wedding night, that Laura's feelings for Frank turned from love to hate. Adam didn't want that for Joe.

"Listen, Joe," Adam said, "you've kissed Polly before, right?"

"Of course." Joe looked at Adam wondering why Adam would ask such a question.

"You know how things get when you're kissing, how you can get carried away with passion, desire, feelings like that that only get stronger the more you kiss." Joe nodded. "Start that way tonight. Just start kissing her and see where it goes." Joe stared intently at Adam. "And if she's afraid or starts to cry, just hold her and tell her that sex doesn't matter as long as you have her in your arms-you know, make her feel that you understand how she feels and that you're willing to wait for her."

"But, Adam, wouldn't she know I'm lying?"

"Joe, how many women have you lied to?"

"I guess a lot."

"And how many have believed you?"

"Just about all of them."

Adam looked at Joe with an expression of complicity, his brows raised "And trust me, Joe. I know women well enough to know that Polly will be thinking only of herself, how she smells and how she looks in her lingerie and if her hair is just so. But if Polly turns out to be different, if she happens to not care about those things but just wants to do the deed, you are one lucky man and you have nothing to worry about-all this anxiety is for nothing."

"I sure wish you hadn't said, 'lingerie,' Adam. Now I keep picturing how Polly will probably look without it." Joe grinned at Adam.

Adam gave Joe a small shove. "Get out of here and get to church. The sooner you get married, the sooner you'll have your wedding night and the sooner we'll be rid of you. Now go."

"Yes sir," Joe said, laughing, but before he left the room, he turned as Adam stood up and looked at the tie in his hand, preparing to have another try. "And Adam..." Adam looked at Joe. "Thanks for the advice. I'm glad you're back-really. We missed you around here in more ways than I can tell you."

Adam just smiled and Joe left. Adam stood thinking about how much had changed in the five years he had been gone. So very much. And then he remembered that he still had to pick up Gloria and thought about what it would be like to be standing at the altar with her if they were to marry. And then he thought of Lucy again-his thoughts always turned to her, and he threw the tie down, the heat rising in him, so he undid the top two buttons of his shirt, put on his jacket and stuffed the tie in the pocket. He glanced at himself in the mirror. "Hell," he said to himself, "you look like the nervous bridegroom waiting impatiently to bed his new bride." And in his mind, he saw Lucy as she would probably look, her lips softly parted, her arms lifted ready to embrace him and he felt a shiver run through him. Then he shook his head and went out to get the buggy to pick up Gloria for the wedding.

When Adam arrived at the small house she was renting, he paused before getting down and going to the door. He hadn't really wanted to take Gloria, hadn't wanted to take anyone. What he had really wanted was to get back to the Ponderosa before anyone else, change clothes and go out for the night. He wanted to take his bedroll, a pouch of food and his guitar and go camp near the lake and enjoy the peaceful serenity of the stars above him and the beauty of the glittering, silver water reflecting the moon and hearing the sounds of the night owl. He yearned for a type of peace that he had only found in the serenity of nature.

Adam knew that it was Hoss who was a man of the land and although he didn't consider himself such, he did know that he had a tie with what was beautiful in nature, that his soul often yearned to stay as far away from Virginia City as possible and not to comply with all the rules and regulations of society. But the educated man in him knew that society was a necessary part of a civilized existence and he had witnessed what happens when barbarism takes over-he had seen it on the ship. Adam knew that he was fortunate that he had a single-minded stubbornness-what had earned him the nickname of "Yankee Granite Head" with his family-that had helped him be top dog on the ship, The Mariah. He had never given in, never backed down from a fight and had defended himself seeming as if he wasn't afraid of death; and at the time, he wasn't, but he didn't go look for it. And now he was sitting in front of a woman's house, dressed in his best suit, ready to go to his brother's wedding and to participate in a ritual that symbolically joined a man and a woman together forever. Adam shook his head and chuckled to himself-forever. And who, he asked himself, could say how long forever was.

"Oh, Adam," Gloria called out to him as he sat in the buggy. "Come in for a moment. I want you to meet my children." She held the door open and waved at him to come in.

Adam climbed down from the buggy and then he noticed two small faces peeking around their mother's skirts. He walked in, took off his hat, and then bent on one knee to be face to face with them. "Well," he asked, "and who are you two?"

The boy still partially hid behind his mother but the girl piped up, "I'm Brenda. Are you going to be my new daddy? Ma told Mrs. Hoskins that if she played…" Gloria jerked her arm to pull her away from Adam who looked up at her.

"Brenda just talks too much about silly things." Adam stood up and faced Gloria. "Mrs. Pearl," Gloria said, "take the children and feed them, please. I'll be a few hours so don't forget to put them to bed."

"Yes, Mrs. Melville," Mrs. Pearl said. "C'mon children. Time for your dinner."

"Shall we go, Adam?" Gloria asked.

"Yes, let's do. I have to be there early so I hope that you don't mind that the guests won't really be arriving for another half hour."

"That's not a problem, Adam," she said putting her arm through his, "it will give us time to catch up with each other." And they walked out together.

TBC


	9. Part 9

Part 9

Lucy's parents had wanted her to go with them to the wedding but Lucy said that since she lived in town now, she would just walk. Her mother was scandalized. It was bad enough that Lucy had left their home where she could have anything she wanted and live in comfort without lifting a finger, but Lucy just couldn't attend a wedding alone, her mother insisted; she needed a male escort or to go with them. Lucy insisted that times were changing and since she was now taking care of herself, she would go alone-by herself. Lucy set her jaw but secretly, she had hoped that perhaps Adam would have asked her but he hadn't and not only had he not asked her, he had asked that Melville woman who had come into the shop. Every time Lucy thought of it, tears stung her eyes. But she reminded herself that she didn't need Adam Cartwright to make her happy-but she knew she was lying to herself.

So as she dressed and put on her new hat, adjusting it to the proper angle before inserting the hat pins, she wondered what Adam would think. She knew she looked pretty but she felt that Adam rarely looked at her-at least not in the way a man looks at a woman but the way a man looks at a child. Lucy sighed as she took one last glance at herself in the mirror. She wondered if she could work up a nice hatred for Adam, if she could convince herself to loathe him. "Well," she said to herself, "I'll try to hate him. So, Adam Cartwright, ready for me or not, here I come." She blew herself a kiss in the mirror, picked up her small purse, pulled on her gloves and moved gracefully out the door of her little apartment in the back of the millinery shop.

When Adam arrived at the church, Joe was pacing on the porch. "Haven't you calmed down yet?"Adam asked him as he and Gloria Melville walked up the church's front stairs.

"No, I'm worse but not about the same thing. Mrs. Sampson is in there fussing over everything and in such a dither that she drives me crazy!"

Adam laughed and thanked heaven that it was Joe getting married and not he. So Adam decided that he would keep Joe company and he and Gloria stayed on the porch with Joe, trying to calm him, so they were still there when people began to arrive. The guests, as they arrived, would congratulate Joe and shake Adam's hand and then go inside to take their seats. But then Mrs. Sampson came out and called Joe to come inside-he was needed. Joe threw a pitiful look to Adam and Adam just grinned as Joe walked inside as if he was going to his doom. Adam was about to take Gloria inside when Will and Laura arrived so they waited to greet them.

"Will, you remember Gloria Melville?" Adam asked as the couple walked up the stairs.

Will smiled broadly. "Yes, I certainly do. How do you do Mrs. Melville?" Laura looked back and forth at the two. "And this is my wife, Laura."

"How do you two know each other?" Laura asked

"Oh, we met when Mrs. Melville…" Will started to explain but Gloria interrupted.

"Please, call me Gloria." Gloria smiled and Laura just stared at her husband smiling broadly at Mrs. Melville. She wasn't quite certain why, but she felt as if the ground shifted under her. Laura was about to ask more questions when Gloria, glancing away, spoke up.

"There's the little shop girl who sold me this hat; she said she was an old friend of your brother's, Adam." Gloria looked toward Lucy arriving on foot and when she looked back at Adam, she thought that Adam had the oddest smile-not quite a smile but an amused expression as if he had a small secret, as if he were inwardly gloating.

"Excuse me," he said, not looking back and walked toward Lucy who stopped. She hadn't expected Adam to be waiting outside the church and suddenly her courage left her when she saw the woman with the red hat watching them. "Fool," Lucy thought to herself, "I'm a fool. I can't compete with a woman like that."

Adam grinned broadly; Lucy never could hide her first reaction to anything and he knew she was flustered. "Well, Lucy, you do look fetching in your new bonnet."

"Thank you, Adam, but technically it's not a bonnet. A bonnet has ties that go under the chin." She hadn't yet smiled at him.

"Well, thank you for setting me straight. But you do look fetching, down-right pretty as a matter of fact, in your…hat?"

"Yes, it's a hat." Lucy decided that she couldn't hate him, couldn't loathe him no matter how hard she tried. Just being near him caused all her resolve to fall away, to crumble like a dirt clod. "And aren't you a mite casual for a wedding?" Lucy was pleased that she could find something to criticize about him.

"What?"

"No tie. You should have worn a tie."

"Oh," Adam said, pulling the string tie out of his pocket. "Couldn't get it tied properly."

"I suppose you're out of practice," she said, reaching for the tie. "Here, let me."

"Yes, ma'am." Adam stood still, slightly bent down, his arms behind his back and Lucy popped up his collar.

She looked at Adam's face and he took her breath away. He still had that amused expression but she felt a stir of emotions she didn't understand; there was something more-a vibration between them and she wanted to throw her arms around his neck and pull him down so that she could kiss him and smell his skin and feel him against her. But she dropped her eyes and concentrated on fixing his tie.

"There. All done." Lucy stepped back and Adam straightened up."

"Why, thank you. What would I do without you?" He was practically laughing at her now.

"I'm sure you'd learn to shift for yourself." She gave him a sidelong glance of disdain.

Adam did laugh now and reached out for her arm. "C'mon, Lucy. I'll walk you in."

"Why? So you can have a woman on each arm and have people think that you're quite the lover?" They were walking back toward the church and Lucy felt the three people who still stood on the front porch of the church watching her, summing her up.

"No," Adam said, his smile now gone. He leaned in so that only she could hear. "It's because you shouldn't walk in alone-I don't want people to be scandalized. I do care for you."

She looked up at him. "What?"

He stopped and looked down at her. "Lucy, despite what you may think, I do have feelings for you other than annoyance-although you do frustrate me sometimes. Okay, most of the time."

Lucy looked at him and then looked down-a conundrum; Madame Millais had been absolute in describing him-he was a conundrum; she would never understand him.

And all through the ceremony, Lucy just watched Adam and the back of Gloria Melville's'

head. Gloria sat at the very front with Ben since she had come with Adam. Lucy sat with her parents and once during the brief ceremony, Mrs. Fairmont whispered to Lucy, "That would be you up there with Joe if you had just encouraged him." Lucy sighed in exasperation. And as she sat, she became so envious of Mrs. Melville and so overwhelmingly sad that Adam had brought her, that as soon as the wedding was over, Lucy declined her parents' offer to ride out to the Ponderosa with them and went immediately home claiming a headache. And when she was inside, after she removed her cape, she stood looking at herself in her bedroom mirror. Despite her new hat and her well-fitted dress, she felt unattractive and weary; Adam drained her of her energy and her envy of Gloria was more than she could bear.

So Lucy took off the hat and put it back in the hatbox. She sat on the side of her bed and began to unbutton the jacket over the matching dress. She thought back to when she had lived in her parents' house and had a personal maid to button up and unbutton her dresses and suits and to polish her shoes and help her put up her hair. "I should have stayed at home," Lucy thought. "It wouldn't have mattered anyway-I've accomplished nothing." Lucy stepped out of her dress and placed it over a chair, then lay down on her bed in her chemise, pulling the covers over her. She knew she wouldn't sleep this early and the room was far too chilly. She would get up later and stir up the fire but for the moment-she was drained of all energy, her envy and sadness overwhelming her.

Adam hadn't enjoyed the reception at the house; there were too many people demanding his attention, trying to drag him into conversations and too many well-intentioned jests about when they would be attending his wedding. Hoss good-naturedly batted these comments aside but to Adam, he felt they were perhaps references to his past-of his almost-marriage to Laura, to his past doomed love or to the fact that he had escorted an old interest of his to the wedding. Whether they were or not, Adam found it difficult to not just walk away and leave. But he knew he couldn't; it would be just too rude and his father would be humiliated. So Adam stayed until Joe and Polly left for their new home that all the Cartwrights had worked on completing by providing the proper furnishings; Adam had been teasing Joe about the bed that had come from San Francisco-that Joe had best be sure not to be too vehement in his love-making to his new bride and cause the expensive bed to collapse. Nevertheless, he was determined to get away as soon as possible and probably before Gloria wanted, considering her look of disappointment when Adam suggesting taking her back to town and her home.

"Are you sure you won't come in, Adam?" Gloria asked. "I can offer you some coffee and...some company. We haven't been able to talk much this evening and I'd like to catch up with you." Even on the long ride back to Virginia City, she had done most of the talking and Adam would glance over and make the appropriate response but Gloria had the feeling that he wasn't really listening. But then, his youngest brother had just married and she felt that maybe Adam was considering that it was time that he married too-at least that was what she hoped.

Since she had returned to Virginia City, Gloria had asked around about Adam and it wasn't difficult to find people who were willing to gossip about any of the Cartwrights but particularly about Adam. She was told about the scar and the tragedy that had befallen him and it intrigued her, titillated her, and she found herself even more drawn to him. Since they had both suffered loss, she hoped that he would appreciate her sympathetic heart and then they could become closer and who better to support her and her two children than a Cartwright? Gloria regretted that she had married her husband, Dan, sweet-talking Dan who had promised her a lifetime of happiness and wealth, when she was certain that had she stayed in Virginia City, she could have won over Adam, could have kept him from Laura Dayton and also from the woman whose tragic death was responsible for his leaving the Ponderosa for so long.

"No, thank you, Gloria," Adam said as gently as he could. "I think I'll pass. It'll take all four of us to get the house even somewhat together after the reception. If we don't help Hop Sing, he'll walk out and take the first ship to China; we have to put the house in at least some modicum of order tonight." He smiled at her; he had liked Gloria when he had squired her around years ago and he still did, but he didn't feel the urge to kiss her, to pull her next to him, to whisper words of endearment and overpower her with his arms and to gently take her. But then Adam hadn't felt that in years-only pure lust was a familiar feeling, the urge to groan in selfish satisfaction. But she didn't arouse even that-she was a lovely woman and that was all. And in a way, she made him sad.

After making certain the she was inside safely, Adam turned the buggy to leave town but as he neared Madame Millais' hat shop, he slowed the horse and finally stopped in front of it. Then he stepped down and tied the horse to the hitching rail. But even after getting out and walking around to the back door, he paused, wondering if he should knock on Lucy's door or not. It would be different if she were still in her parents' house but now she was living in the back of the shop, Adam felt uncomfortable. He turned to leave but then, he went forward and knocked on her door. He saw a light start to glow inside and the curtain beside the door pulled aside and then he heard a bolt being thrown, the door was opened, and Lucy stood inside, the lamp in her hand. Adam pulled off his hat and held it in front of him.

Adam saw her face and throat lit up by the glow of the lamp. She held the neck of her wrap together with one hand but Adam looked in amazement at how she beautiful she was; her hair was in a braid down her back. Soft tendrils fell around her temples and her face was free of rouge, her eyelashes free of blackening and her pale skin made her look as if she was an apparition, some dream of beauty that came to him at night to seduce him, to arouse his lust and his mouth opened slightly.

"What are you doing here, Adam?" she asked. Her voice was not welcoming.

"I…when you didn't come back to the house for the reception, well, I wondered if anything was wrong. I asked your parents and they said that you were, well, they said you didn't feel well."

"Did you think they lied?" Lucy had set her jaw and Adam knew that as the sign that she was angry and had determined her course of action already; she hadn't changed at all, Adam thought. She's still the stubborn, hard-headed Tag-along Lucy that she always was-only she doesn't chase after me anymore.

"No," Adam said, a slight smile on his face, "I think you lied."

Lucy, a slight grin playing around her lips, stepped back. "Come in, Adam."

Adam followed Lucy into the small parlor, the fire still glowing. The room had a definite chill-just like the chill Adam felt emanate from Lucy. Lucy placed the lamp on the table and the glow threw a soft light around the room. She walked toward the fire to build it up but Adam touched her arm "Let me." She stopped and Adam stooped down and started up the fire again. Soon the room began to warm and Adam returned to the tiny kitchen through which he had entered to wash his hands. When he returned to the parlor, Lucy was sitting on a small chair. The settee being the only other piece on furniture on which to sit, Adam sat on it. He hadn't been wearing a gun belt; it was still curled up under the seat of the buggy.

"May I offer you something?" Lucy asked.

"No. Thank you. I don't plan on staying long." Lucy nodded in concession. "Why didn't you come to the reception? Joe and Polly are friends of yours. Didn't you think that they might be hurt?" He leaned forward, his hands clasped in front of him, his elbows on his knees.

"Yes, I considered that but I also considered how miserable I would be all evening watching you and-what's her name? Oh, yes, Gloria, having a lovely time while I just stood on the outside looking in. So, since I feel no need to make myself unhappy, I chose to avoid the situation by staying home-" Lucy looked around, "or what I now call home."

"That's not fair, Lucy." Adam

"Not fair? I'll tell you what's not fair!" Lucy stood up to face him, to look down on him. "You've spent the whole time with another woman. You squired her to Joe's wedding in town and then took her out to the Ponderosa for the reception. I'm certain that you danced with her, whispered words of love in her ear, kissed her neck and then her mouth and then you come to me and want to know what's wrong? How fair is that, Adam? Answer me that."

Adam noticed that she was slightly shaking. "Lucy, I didn't mean…"

"You didn't mean what? To disturb me? To toy with me? To make me think you care when you don't? You hypocrite. You damnable hypocrite." Lucy held back her tears that burned behind her eyes-she didn't want to cry in front of him. At this point, she hated him. She wanted to batter him with her fists. But instead, she slid her wrapper off, letting it drop in a pool on the floor and she stood before him in her thin chemise, the light of the fireplace behind her allowing him to see the curves and secrets of her body. "Is this what you came for, Adam? It's what I've always wanted to give you. Go ahead, take me."

Adam stared-open-mouthed. She was like an alabaster statue, pale and white, but he knew that had he reached out to touch her, her skin would be warm and yield under his hand. She was warm and vital. But he didn't touch her. He bent down and picked up her wrapper. "Put it back on, Lucy. I didn't come for this."

Lucy blushed with shame and embarrassment. She had offered herself to him and he had refused her. She dropped her eyes and reached out for her robe and she noticed that his hands were shaking; he was attempting to control himself.

Adam struggled with himself. He wanted Lucy, his whole being screamed for her, to possess her, but he loved her; he couldn't deny that anymore. His heart was singing with love for her but his passion, his animal appetites also wanted her. He wanted to perform the "deed of kind," but held himself in check.

"I should leave now," Adam said. Lucy pulled her wrap around her and held it tightly. She turned her back to him but knew that he was putting on his hat and walking away-she could hear his boots as he walked away on the wood floor. Then she heard him stop and turn. "Lucy, I don't want to leave with things like this between us."

She said nothing but walked to her bedroom and closed the door behind her. She sat in the darkness, the only light coming from the small furnace, a French introduction by Madame Millais from when she lived in the quarters, and finally heard her front door close. Lucy sat for a few seconds more and then threw herself sobbing on the narrow bed. She cried herself to sleep that night and for the next few nights yet to come.

Ever since the night of Joe's wedding, ever since she had offered herself to him, Adam had regretted passing up the opportunity. He had called himself a fool more than once and had spent the past few nights sleeping fitfully when he slept at all. So he knew that he had to see Lucy today-he would find no peace if he didn't.

Adam first stopped by Sampson's Mercantile where Mr. Sampson complained about his aching head the morning after the reception from too much celebratory whiskey, Since he wife disallowed any alcohol in the house, he had gone overboard that night. He also confided to Adam that as happy as Mrs. Sampson was to have Polly married to a respected Cartwright, she had cried all night after the wedding thinking about her poor Polly and how she was going to handle her marital duties. Adam couldn't help but think that if Polly had half the desire for Joe as Lucy had expressed for him, then Joe was a damned lucky man. But Adam picked up some penny candy and headed over to Madame Millais' hat shop.

Adam looked in the window and saw Lucy leaning over the glass counter poring over a stack of papers, a pencil in her small hand. Adam watched her and admired how she looked in her shirtwaist, so neat, tidy and elegant and what a contrast it was to the other night. And as he thought again of the other night, he felt his body react to the remembrance of Lucy standing before him.

She straightened up, stretched and casually glanced over at the window. Adam smiled when their eyes met and he tipped his hat and Lucy's face expressed sheer horror. She came around the counter and Adam knew she was going to hide in the back room so he rushed inside, the bell over the door jangling wildly and he caught her by the arm just as she was about to fly through the curtains to the back. He grabbed her other arm and turned her around and she looked at him, her eyes round with fear,

"Now, Lucy, don't run away from me." he said in a low, demanding voice. She tried to jerk her arms from him but he only released one arm. She continued to try to pull away dropping her eyes and trying to pry his fingers off her. Madame Millais came out from the back and Adam let go of Lucy's arm and Lucy swung around to see Madame Millais looking surprised. Madame knew she had interrupted something but what it was, she wasn't quite sure. Her French nature loved a romance, especially a tumultuous one and this seemed the perfect fodder; she would have to ask Lucy about it later. Nevertheless, she smiled delightedly at Adam.

"Why, Mr. Cartwright," she said in her thick French accent, "to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? I can only 'ope that it is to see me." She put out her hand and Adam gently took it but he did not kiss it as was the European custom. In the meantime, Lucy had slipped through the curtains.

"As much as a pleasure as it is to see you, Madame Millais," Adam said, still holding her thin hand, "I actually came to see Miss Lucy. Would you call her out for me? I'm afraid that she's rather angry with me and is trying to avoid me. I could certainly use your help in solving this problem." Adam let go of her hand and stood before her, appealing to her Gallic nature where love was preeminent in life.

"Ah, the problems of the heart-how could I but help l'amour, Mr. Cartwright," Madame said with an air of conspiracy. "Why don't you go into the back room? I think that you will have more privacy there, no? After all, one of my customers may come in and it would not do to see you and Lucy, well, perhaps there may be a kiss, an embrace, no?"


	10. Chapter 9

Part 9

Lucy's parents had wanted her to go with them to the wedding but Lucy said that since she lived in town now, she would just walk. Her mother was scandalized. It was bad enough that Lucy had left their home where she could have anything she wanted and live in comfort without lifting a finger, but Lucy just couldn't attend a wedding alone, her mother insisted; she needed a male escort or to go with them. Lucy insisted that times were changing and since she was now taking care of herself, she would go alone-by herself. Lucy set her jaw but secretly, she had hoped that perhaps Adam would have asked her but he hadn't and not only had he not asked her, he had asked that Melville woman who had come into the shop. Every time Lucy thought of it, tears stung her eyes. But she reminded herself that she didn't need Adam Cartwright to make her happy-but she knew she was lying to herself.

So as she dressed and put on her new hat, adjusting it to the proper angle before inserting the hat pins, she wondered what Adam would think. She knew she looked pretty but she felt that Adam rarely looked at her-at least not in the way a man looks at a woman but the way a man looks at a child. Lucy sighed as she took one last glance at herself in the mirror. She wondered if she could work up a nice hatred for Adam, if she could convince herself to loathe him. "Well," she said to herself, "I'll try to hate him. So, Adam Cartwright, ready for me or not, here I come." She blew herself a kiss in the mirror, picked up her small purse, pulled on her gloves and moved gracefully out the door of her little apartment in the back of the millinery shop.

When Adam arrived at the church, Joe was pacing on the porch. "Haven't you calmed down yet?"Adam asked him as he and Gloria Melville walked up the church's front stairs.

"No, I'm worse but not about the same thing. Mrs. Sampson is in there fussing over everything and in such a dither that she drives me crazy!"

Adam laughed and thanked heaven that it was Joe getting married and not he. So Adam decided that he would keep Joe company and he and Gloria stayed on the porch with Joe, trying to calm him, so they were still there when people began to arrive. The guests, as they arrived, would congratulate Joe and shake Adam's hand and then go inside to take their seats. But then Mrs. Sampson came out and called Joe to come inside-he was needed. Joe threw a pitiful look to Adam and Adam just grinned as Joe walked inside as if he was going to his doom. Adam was about to take Gloria inside when Will and Laura arrived so they waited to greet them.

"Will, you remember Gloria Melville?" Adam asked as the couple walked up the stairs.

Will smiled broadly. "Yes, I certainly do. How do you do Mrs. Melville?" Laura looked back and forth at the two. "And this is my wife, Laura."

"How do you two know each other?" Laura asked

"Oh, we met when Mrs. Melville…" Will started to explain but Gloria interrupted.

"Please, call me Gloria." Gloria smiled and Laura just stared at her husband smiling broadly at Mrs. Melville. She wasn't quite certain why, but she felt as if the ground shifted under her. Laura was about to ask more questions when Gloria, glancing away, spoke up.

"There's the little shop girl who sold me this hat; she said she was an old friend of your brother's, Adam." Gloria looked toward Lucy arriving on foot and when she looked back at Adam, she thought that Adam had the oddest smile-not quite a smile but an amused expression as if he had a small secret, as if he were inwardly gloating.

"Excuse me," he said, not looking back and walked toward Lucy who stopped. She hadn't expected Adam to be waiting outside the church and suddenly her courage left her when she saw the woman with the red hat watching them. "Fool," Lucy thought to herself, "I'm a fool. I can't compete with a woman like that."

Adam grinned broadly; Lucy never could hide her first reaction to anything and he knew she was flustered. "Well, Lucy, you do look fetching in your new bonnet."

"Thank you, Adam, but technically it's not a bonnet. A bonnet has ties that go under the chin." She hadn't yet smiled at him.

"Well, thank you for setting me straight. But you do look fetching, down-right pretty as a matter of fact, in your…hat?"

"Yes, it's a hat." Lucy decided that she couldn't hate him, couldn't loathe him no matter how hard she tried. Just being near him caused all her resolve to fall away, to crumble like a dirt clod. "And aren't you a mite casual for a wedding?" Lucy was pleased that she could find something to criticize about him.

"What?"

"No tie. You should have worn a tie."

"Oh," Adam said, pulling the string tie out of his pocket. "Couldn't get it tied properly."

"I suppose you're out of practice," she said, reaching for the tie. "Here, let me."

"Yes, ma'am." Adam stood still, slightly bent down, his arms behind his back and Lucy popped up his collar.

She looked at Adam's face and he took her breath away. He still had that amused expression but she felt a stir of emotions she didn't understand; there was something more-a vibration between them and she wanted to throw her arms around his neck and pull him down so that she could kiss him and smell his skin and feel him against her. But she dropped her eyes and concentrated on fixing his tie.

"There. All done." Lucy stepped back and Adam straightened up."

"Why, thank you. What would I do without you?" He was practically laughing at her now.

"I'm sure you'd learn to shift for yourself." She gave him a sidelong glance of disdain.

Adam did laugh now and reached out for her arm. "C'mon, Lucy. I'll walk you in."

"Why? So you can have a woman on each arm and have people think that you're quite the lover?" They were walking back toward the church and Lucy felt the three people who still stood on the front porch of the church watching her, summing her up.

"No," Adam said, his smile now gone. He leaned in so that only she could hear. "It's because you shouldn't walk in alone-I don't want people to be scandalized. I do care for you."

She looked up at him. "What?"

He stopped and looked down at her. "Lucy, despite what you may think, I do have feelings for you other than annoyance-although you do frustrate me sometimes. Okay, most of the time."

Lucy looked at him and then looked down-a conundrum; Madame Millais had been absolute in describing him-he was a conundrum; she would never understand him.

And all through the ceremony, Lucy just watched Adam and the back of Gloria Melville's'

head. Gloria sat at the very front with Ben since she had come with Adam. Lucy sat with her parents and once during the brief ceremony, Mrs. Fairmont whispered to Lucy, "That would be you up there with Joe if you had just encouraged him." Lucy sighed in exasperation. And as she sat, she became so envious of Mrs. Melville and so overwhelmingly sad that Adam had brought her, that as soon as the wedding was over, Lucy declined her parents' offer to ride out to the Ponderosa with them and went immediately home claiming a headache. And when she was inside, after she removed her cape, she stood looking at herself in her bedroom mirror. Despite her new hat and her well-fitted dress, she felt unattractive and weary; Adam drained her of her energy and her envy of Gloria was more than she could bear.

So Lucy took off the hat and put it back in the hatbox. She sat on the side of her bed and began to unbutton the jacket over the matching dress. She thought back to when she had lived in her parents' house and had a personal maid to button up and unbutton her dresses and suits and to polish her shoes and help her put up her hair. "I should have stayed at home," Lucy thought. "It wouldn't have mattered anyway-I've accomplished nothing." Lucy stepped out of her dress and placed it over a chair, then lay down on her bed in her chemise, pulling the covers over her. She knew she wouldn't sleep this early and the room was far too chilly. She would get up later and stir up the fire but for the moment-she was drained of all energy, her envy and sadness overwhelming her.

Adam hadn't enjoyed the reception at the house; there were too many people demanding his attention, trying to drag him into conversations and too many well-intentioned jests about when they would be attending his wedding. Hoss good-naturedly batted these comments aside but to Adam, he felt they were perhaps references to his past-of his almost-marriage to Laura, to his past doomed love or to the fact that he had escorted an old interest of his to the wedding. Whether they were or not, Adam found it difficult to not just walk away and leave. But he knew he couldn't; it would be just too rude and his father would be humiliated. So Adam stayed until Joe and Polly left for their new home that all the Cartwrights had worked on completing by providing the proper furnishings; Adam had been teasing Joe about the bed that had come from San Francisco-that Joe had best be sure not to be too vehement in his love-making to his new bride and cause the expensive bed to collapse. Nevertheless, he was determined to get away as soon as possible and probably before Gloria wanted, considering her look of disappointment when Adam suggesting taking her back to town and her home.

"Are you sure you won't come in, Adam?" Gloria asked. "I can offer you some coffee and...some company. We haven't been able to talk much this evening and I'd like to catch up with you." Even on the long ride back to Virginia City, she had done most of the talking and Adam would glance over and make the appropriate response but Gloria had the feeling that he wasn't really listening. But then, his youngest brother had just married and she felt that maybe Adam was considering that it was time that he married too-at least that was what she hoped.

Since she had returned to Virginia City, Gloria had asked around about Adam and it wasn't difficult to find people who were willing to gossip about any of the Cartwrights but particularly about Adam. She was told about the scar and the tragedy that had befallen him and it intrigued her, titillated her, and she found herself even more drawn to him. Since they had both suffered loss, she hoped that he would appreciate her sympathetic heart and then they could become closer and who better to support her and her two children than a Cartwright? Gloria regretted that she had married her husband, Dan, sweet-talking Dan who had promised her a lifetime of happiness and wealth, when she was certain that had she stayed in Virginia City, she could have won over Adam, could have kept him from Laura Dayton and also from the woman whose tragic death was responsible for his leaving the Ponderosa for so long.

"No, thank you, Gloria," Adam said as gently as he could. "I think I'll pass. It'll take all four of us to get the house even somewhat together after the reception. If we don't help Hop Sing, he'll walk out and take the first ship to China; we have to put the house in at least some modicum of order tonight." He smiled at her; he had liked Gloria when he had squired her around years ago and he still did, but he didn't feel the urge to kiss her, to pull her next to him, to whisper words of endearment and overpower her with his arms and to gently take her. But then Adam hadn't felt that in years-only pure lust was a familiar feeling, the urge to groan in selfish satisfaction. But she didn't arouse even that-she was a lovely woman and that was all. And in a way, she made him sad.

After making certain the she was inside safely, Adam turned the buggy to leave town but as he neared Madame Millais' hat shop, he slowed the horse and finally stopped in front of it. Then he stepped down and tied the horse to the hitching rail. But even after getting out and walking around to the back door, he paused, wondering if he should knock on Lucy's door or not. It would be different if she were still in her parents' house but now she was living in the back of the shop, Adam felt uncomfortable. He turned to leave but then, he went forward and knocked on her door. He saw a light start to glow inside and the curtain beside the door pulled aside and then he heard a bolt being thrown, the door was opened, and Lucy stood inside, the lamp in her hand. Adam pulled off his hat and held it in front of him.

Adam saw her face and throat lit up by the glow of the lamp. She held the neck of her wrap together with one hand but Adam looked in amazement at how she beautiful she was; her hair was in a braid down her back. Soft tendrils fell around her temples and her face was free of rouge, her eyelashes free of blackening and her pale skin made her look as if she was an apparition, some dream of beauty that came to him at night to seduce him, to arouse his lust and his mouth opened slightly.

"What are you doing here, Adam?" she asked. Her voice was not welcoming.

"I…when you didn't come back to the house for the reception, well, I wondered if anything was wrong. I asked your parents and they said that you were, well, they said you didn't feel well."

"Did you think they lied?" Lucy had set her jaw and Adam knew that as the sign that she was angry and had determined her course of action already; she hadn't changed at all, Adam thought. She's still the stubborn, hard-headed Tag-along Lucy that she always was-only she doesn't chase after me anymore.

"No," Adam said, a slight smile on his face, "I think you lied."

Lucy, a slight grin playing around her lips, stepped back. "Come in, Adam."

Adam followed Lucy into the small parlor, the fire still glowing. The room had a definite chill-just like the chill Adam felt emanate from Lucy. Lucy placed the lamp on the table and the glow threw a soft light around the room. She walked toward the fire to build it up but Adam touched her arm "Let me." She stopped and Adam stooped down and started up the fire again. Soon the room began to warm and Adam returned to the tiny kitchen through which he had entered to wash his hands. When he returned to the parlor, Lucy was sitting on a small chair. The settee being the only other piece on furniture on which to sit, Adam sat on it. He hadn't been wearing a gun belt; it was still curled up under the seat of the buggy.

"May I offer you something?" Lucy asked.

"No. Thank you. I don't plan on staying long." Lucy nodded in concession. "Why didn't you come to the reception? Joe and Polly are friends of yours. Didn't you think that they might be hurt?" He leaned forward, his hands clasped in front of him, his elbows on his knees.

"Yes, I considered that but I also considered how miserable I would be all evening watching you and-what's her name? Oh, yes, Gloria, having a lovely time while I just stood on the outside looking in. So, since I feel no need to make myself unhappy, I chose to avoid the situation by staying home-" Lucy looked around, "or what I now call home."

"That's not fair, Lucy." Adam

"Not fair? I'll tell you what's not fair!" Lucy stood up to face him, to look down on him. "You've spent the whole time with another woman. You squired her to Joe's wedding in town and then took her out to the Ponderosa for the reception. I'm certain that you danced with her, whispered words of love in her ear, kissed her neck and then her mouth and then you come to me and want to know what's wrong? How fair is that, Adam? Answer me that."

Adam noticed that she was slightly shaking. "Lucy, I didn't mean…"

"You didn't mean what? To disturb me? To toy with me? To make me think you care when you don't? You hypocrite. You damnable hypocrite." Lucy held back her tears that burned behind her eyes-she didn't want to cry in front of him. At this point, she hated him. She wanted to batter him with her fists. But instead, she slid her wrapper off, letting it drop in a pool on the floor and she stood before him in her thin chemise, the light of the fireplace behind her allowing him to see the curves and secrets of her body. "Is this what you came for, Adam? It's what I've always wanted to give you. Go ahead, take me."

Adam stared-open-mouthed. She was like an alabaster statue, pale and white, but he knew that had he reached out to touch her, her skin would be warm and yield under his hand. She was warm and vital. But he didn't touch her. He bent down and picked up her wrapper. "Put it back on, Lucy. I didn't come for this."

Lucy blushed with shame and embarrassment. She had offered herself to him and he had refused her. She dropped her eyes and reached out for her robe and she noticed that his hands were shaking; he was attempting to control himself.

Adam struggled with himself. He wanted Lucy, his whole being screamed for her, to possess her, but he loved her; he couldn't deny that anymore. His heart was singing with love for her but his passion, his animal appetites also wanted her. He wanted to perform the "deed of kind," but held himself in check.

"I should leave now," Adam said. Lucy pulled her wrap around her and held it tightly. She turned her back to him but knew that he was putting on his hat and walking away-she could hear his boots as he walked away on the wood floor. Then she heard him stop and turn. "Lucy, I don't want to leave with things like this between us."

She said nothing but walked to her bedroom and closed the door behind her. She sat in the darkness, the only light coming from the small furnace, a French introduction by Madame Millais from when she lived in the quarters, and finally heard her front door close. Lucy sat for a few seconds more and then threw herself sobbing on the narrow bed. She cried herself to sleep that night and for the next few nights yet to come.

Ever since the night of Joe's wedding, ever since she had offered herself to him, Adam had regretted passing up the opportunity. He had called himself a fool more than once and had spent the past few nights sleeping fitfully when he slept at all. So he knew that he had to see Lucy today-he would find no peace if he didn't.

Adam first stopped by Sampson's Mercantile where Mr. Sampson complained about his aching head the morning after the reception from too much celebratory whiskey, Since he wife disallowed any alcohol in the house, he had gone overboard that night. He also confided to Adam that as happy as Mrs. Sampson was to have Polly married to a respected Cartwright, she had cried all night after the wedding thinking about her poor Polly and how she was going to handle her marital duties. Adam couldn't help but think that if Polly had half the desire for Joe as Lucy had expressed for him, then Joe was a damned lucky man. But Adam picked up some penny candy and headed over to Madame Millais' hat shop.

Adam looked in the window and saw Lucy leaning over the glass counter poring over a stack of papers, a pencil in her small hand. Adam watched her and admired how she looked in her shirtwaist, so neat, tidy and elegant and what a contrast it was to the other night. And as he thought again of the other night, he felt his body react to the remembrance of Lucy standing before him.

She straightened up, stretched and casually glanced over at the window. Adam smiled when their eyes met and he tipped his hat and Lucy's face expressed sheer horror. She came around the counter and Adam knew she was going to hide in the back room so he rushed inside, the bell over the door jangling wildly and he caught her by the arm just as she was about to fly through the curtains to the back. He grabbed her other arm and turned her around and she looked at him, her eyes round with fear,

"Now, Lucy, don't run away from me." he said in a low, demanding voice. She tried to jerk her arms from him but he only released one arm. She continued to try to pull away dropping her eyes and trying to pry his fingers off her. Madame Millais came out from the back and Adam let go of Lucy's arm and Lucy swung around to see Madame Millais looking surprised. Madame knew she had interrupted something but what it was, she wasn't quite sure. Her French nature loved a romance, especially a tumultuous one and this seemed the perfect fodder; she would have to ask Lucy about it later. Nevertheless, she smiled delightedly at Adam.

"Why, Mr. Cartwright," she said in her thick French accent, "to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit? I can only 'ope that it is to see me." She put out her hand and Adam gently took it but he did not kiss it as was the European custom. In the meantime, Lucy had slipped through the curtains.

"As much as a pleasure as it is to see you, Madame Millais," Adam said, still holding her thin hand, "I actually came to see Miss Lucy. Would you call her out for me? I'm afraid that she's rather angry with me and is trying to avoid me. I could certainly use your help in solving this problem." Adam let go of her hand and stood before her, appealing to her Gallic nature where love was preeminent in life.

"Ah, the problems of the heart-how could I but help l'amour, Mr. Cartwright," Madame said with an air of conspiracy. "Why don't you go into the back room? I think that you will have more privacy there, no? After all, one of my customers may come in and it would not do to see you and Lucy, well, perhaps there may be a kiss, an embrace, no?"

"If I do my job right, there will be a kiss, yes." Adam tipped his hat to Madame Millais and pushed the curtains aside to go into the back room. Lucy was sitting in a chair by a little furnace; there was a larger one in the shop and with the two, the back room was toasty against the chill descending outside.

Upon seeing him, Lucy stood up and hissed, "How could you come here, Adam? You should know that I never want to see you again." Lucy was embarrassed and furious. He had come just to humiliate her, just to remind her how much he didn't want her and how he had refused her; she was certain of that.

"Lucy, sit back down. I came to see you and if you think I came to tease you or humiliate you, you're wrong. As a matter of fact, you could humiliate me-embarrass me in front of all of Virginia City." Lucy looked puzzled. Adam gave a deep sigh. He sat on the chair opposite her. "First," he said, handing her the little pink and white striped bag," this is for you. I remembered how much you liked penny candy as a kid. Remember when I would sometimes bring you and Joe into town with me and buy you both a bag of sweetnin' to keep you two busy? "

"Yes," she said quietly taking the bag from him. Then she looked at him. "I'm not a child anymore, Adam. My wants go beyond peppermints. What did you mean when you said that I could humiliate you?"

"Ah, that's what interests you, huh? Well….you could tell all your friends that I'm not much of a man-that a situation arose and I didn't take advantage of you. What would they think of me, Lucy? That I was noble? A gentleman? No, they'd laugh and say something along the lines that my father must have gelded me to keep me at home on the Ponderosa." Adam gave a small chuckle but Lucy looked askance at what he said.

"But you could tell everyone, all the men about me and how I threw myself at you and you found me so unappealing that you refused me." Her voice began to quaver.

"No, Lucy, "Adam said. He leaned in to be closer to her, to see the depths of her hazel eyes and smell her skin and her hair. He began to sweat with her so near. "For one, you are far from unappealing-you are very appealing, and for another, I would never tell anyone about that night-it's too dear to me." They looked at one another in silence. "Do you remember when you were young and would save things for your treasure box? That's what you called it, your treasure box." Lucy nodded. "I remember when I was hammering and bent a nail one time and you wanted it. You said that it was for your treasure box, And those wildflowers I picked and gave you one summer afternoon? Do you remember those?"

"Yes," Lucy said. "I still have them. I even took the box with me when I went away to school and to Europe. Silly, I know, but when I'd look at those things again, I would feel as if you were near me. The things you touched, they have a magic for me, Adam, they bring you to me."

"That's the way that night is for me. I treasure it. I keep it hidden and cherish the knowledge that you were going to give yourself to me and that's magic to me. If I shared it with someone, if I told anyone, it would vanish, just turn into air-and so, I'm afraid, would your love for me. Do you understand, Lucy?"

"But why don't want my love, Adam?" Lucy had never planned on saying these things to him, saying things he could use against her later but she couldn't stop herself.

"No, Lucy, I never said that, I never said that I didn't want your love. I think any man would be fortunate to have you love him."

"Oh," Lucy said with a small laugh. "So it's going to be that-'Lucy, any man would be happy to have your love but not I-I'm not the right man for you. Find someone else.' There. Adam, I've given your speech for you." Lucy sat back and looked at the man sitting across from her and she loved him even more for the kindness he was trying to show her.

"You are a jaded, little thing aren't you? And so young. One would think you were a sophisticated courtesan with that attitude."

"If I were," Lucy replied, "You'd want me then, wouldn't you?" Madame Millais had loaned her some French novels and Lucy, who had learned French in her schooling back east, had been shocked-shocked not by what was written, but by the fact that she wasn't the only person who had imagined such things as women freely giving themselves to men and enjoying it or women who allowed themselves to be kept.

"Lucy, I've told you before, I care about you but …" Adam tried to think of the words to tell her how he felt. But he couldn't really tell her. Adam couldn't tell her how the picture he carried around his memory of her standing before him in the dim light would haunt him forever. How could he tell her that it was only with the greatest self-control that he hadn't roughly taken her-that he had finally admitted to himself that he loved her but that it was not to be acted on-he didn't trust himself. He knew he couldn't tell her those things so he told her that he would always treasure her but that she needed to look beyond him. And when he finished what he had to say, he had hoped that he and Lucy might part with a kiss and that all would be well between them but it didn't end that way.

Lucy stood up and Adam looked up at her. "Just leave, Adam. I don't have the strength for this anymore. I can't keep my mind from you and I'm weary. Please, don't come by here again-either the store or my apartment. Just stay away from me. I really don't want to see you anymore or even think of you anymore. I handed my heart to you and you refused it. I handed my body to you and you refused that as well. Just leave-please."

Adam stood up. "Lucy, I…" But he stopped. Lucy had turned and gone through a door that Adam knew led to her quarters. So he put on his hat and as he was heading for the door he heard Madame Millais call out to him.

"Monsieur, everything is fine, yes."

"No, everything is not fine. But Lucy, now, she's fine-she's as right as rain."

"And you, monsieur, you are not?" Madame Millais couldn't help but think what a romantic figure Adam Cartwright cut with his dark, good looks and the scar on his cheek.. To Madame Millais, it was the equivalent of the much-sought after fencing scar that European women found so attractive.

"No," Adam said. "For such a small thing, Lucy has quite the left jab. She knew just where to get to me, where to land the proper blow.' And he tipped his hat to Madame Millais and left the shop.

TBC


	11. Chapter 10

PART 10

Weeks had passed and it was close to Christmas and Adam wanted to have as many trees cut as possible before the men took the holiday time off. And the men wanted to get as many trees cut as well; although they liked the two days off the Cartwrights gave them, they needed the money. They would lose a day's pay at Christmas and since Adam was offering a dollar per tree, they were fiendishly working and Adam was pleased.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to pay them by the tree, Adam," Ben said as they sat at dinner.

"How come?" Hoss said. "We been working right along. Both me and Joe think it's a good idea. Why we was talkin' about making it a dollar a tree all the time. We'd get a whole lot more out of them."

"Yeah, Pa. What's the problem?" Adam said. "We have a contract to fill with a bonus if we fill it early and if the men like the money and if we can beat the snow, what's wrong with it? So far we've been lucky with the weather but I don't like the way the sky's looked lately."

"Well," Ben said, looking down at his food, moving the beans around on his plate with his fork. "I just think that in their rush to make more money, the men might become slip-shod. We forget how precise an art cutting trees is."

"Trust me, Pa," Adam said. "I've cut enough trees that I'll never forget how precise it has to be. My back reminds me every day."

They laughed and finished their meal and afterwards Hoss asked Adam if he felt like going into town for a few beers and maybe a little female companionship.

"Female companionship? Is that what you call it now?" Adam asked.

"Well, I can call it something else, iffen it makes a difference. You wanna go do a little debauching? That better-more acceptable? But the women are what they are, thank heaven."

Adam laughed now and shook his head. "Where'd you learn a word like that?"

"I know more'n you think," Hoss said. "You wanna come or not?"

"No, I don't think so, Hoss. For one, my back couldn't take it after the day I had and for another thing, I've washed my hands of any type of female companionship for quite a while."

"Now, Adam, that don't sound like you at all." Hoss said. "You were always the one the women wanted to marry. Hell, if I had that kind of appeal, I'd have 'companionship' every night."

"Well, why don't you go and have a good time," Adam said. "Have two women-one for you and one for me."

"All right, older brother," Hoss said putting on his gun belt. He grabbed his jacket off the hook and put on his hat, ready to leave.

"Hey, Hoss," Adam said. "You haven't asked Pa. Pa, don't you want to go into town with Hoss? There's a new girl working at the Bucket. I think she might take to you."

Ben was flustered. Adam was merciless sometimes in teasing him but Ben decided that this time he would treat him as if he took him seriously. "Well, I'd go except that beer this late gives me indigestion and I'm so old that I would probably end up pushing rope."

Both Adam and Hoss roared. Sometimes their father surprised them with his sense of humor. It was so rare for him to join in the joking and badinage that it caught them both by surprise.

"Well, I'll be thinking of you both as I'm enjoyin' myself tonight. Matter of fact," Hoss said, "don't wait up for me none-I 'spect to have such a good time that I may not be back until the cock crows."

"Yeah," Adam said, "you can always catch up on your sleep in church like everybody else does."

"Just be back in the morning early because you're not skipping church just because you had a bit too much to drink," Ben said.

"Don't worry none. No one can make breakfast better than Hop Sing-I'll be here." And Hoss closed the door behind him.

"Well, Adam," Ben said as he readied his pipe for smoking, "you planning on turning in early on a Saturday night?"

"Maybe," Adam said. "I might try to read some or work on a floor plan for making Joe's house bigger. Who designed that floor plan anyway? I swear, Pa, whoever laid out the plans for that house didn't know what they were doing. Why to add more bedrooms or another wing, Joe's going to have to grade the land to the right of it. I also would have picked a different spot. I'm worried about rain. With that grading, the rain…"

"Whoa, Adam. Stop a minute. What started all this? I just asked you if you were turning in early." Ben leaned forward.

"That house has been bothering me. I don't know why. I mean I guess it's not that bad but I would have done it differently." Adam looked at his father who raised one brow. "I know, I know, I wasn't here so I have no tight to criticize what happened while I was gone." Adam sat in silence for a few seconds. "But, there's something else, Pa, I can't believe Joe's married. I just can't think of him as anything but a snot-nosed kid. I mean, he's my little brother and every time I look at him, I just see that curly-haired kid who was always in trouble."

"Yes," Ben said, "he and Lucy always getting into everything. Stealing apples, collecting frogs to take and release at school. Remember when they stole Hop Sing's pie and ate it all in the barn and then they were both so sick afterwards that they threw up?"

"Yeah, Joe's partner in crime. But why do you bring up Lucy?" Adam asked suspiciously.

"She still bother you, does she?" Ben smiled at his eldest son.

"No, she doesn't bother me," Adam lied.

"Good. Then I suppose it's a good thing that Gloria Peters-I mean Melville, came back to town. I always thought you were sweet on her. She's a good one for you, Adam. I've always liked her. She's pretty and comes with a ready-made family."

Adam said nothing but the mention of Lucy's name had started him thinking about her again and he didn't like it. His mind would just go around and around like a dog chasing its tail, over and over, covering the same ground again and again.

"I only mention Lucy," Ben said, "because I wonder if Lucy hadn't been sent away, maybe Joe and she would have developed their friendship into love." Ben stared pensively while he puffed on his pipe. "And I'm the one responsible for having her sent away."

"You, Pa? What did you have to do with it?" This was the first that Adam had heard of this and he was puzzled. How could his father be responsible?

"Yes, me." Ben took a puff on his pipe. "Do you remember when Lucy was about thirteen, fourteen, she started coming over not so much to see Joe, but to see you after you came home from college?"

Adam looked down, "Yeah, I remember."

"You were always chasing her off, telling her to go home. Remember that?"

"Yes. I remember it."

"Why did you start telling her to leave? What was it about her that caused you to send her home?" Ben looked at Adam. Adam was working his jaw which meant he was upset.

"She….she just bothered me-I just-she was just such a pest, always following me around, asking questions. I couldn't turn around without her being there. Hell, I couldn't take a piss without checking to see where she was." Adam smiled gently, his eyes soft. "I remember how she used to dance and skip after me and she was turning into quite the beauty."

"She was, wasn't she? And that scared me, Adam."

Adam looked up at his father; he didn't understand.

"What do you mean, it scared you?"

"I could see that you were beginning to look at Lucy in a new way. She was becoming a woman before our eyes and I was afraid that you, well, that you would start to be attracted to her-and she was too young then. So I went to her parents and asked them to keep her home. They tried but somehow, Lucy always ended up here. Do you remember that day her father came for her and dragged her home?"

"Yes," Adam said quietly. "He slapped her because she refused to leave-because she told him no. I wanted to hurt him for hurting her. And he embarrassed her when he dragged her off. I remember it all."

"And then he sent her away to school the very next day. That's why I feel responsible," Ben said. "But I think it turned out well. Joe married Polly and they're happy."

"But what about Lucy?" Adam asked. "What about her? No one thought of her and what she wanted."

"Now, Adam, that's not true. Her parents did what they thought was best and Lucy grew up to be a beautiful, intelligent woman."

"With two fiancés she never married. You don't think that's their fault?" Adam was sitting on the edge of the settee now; he found that he was angry, angry at his father and at Lucy's parents and angry with himself for not having defended Lucy so long ago.

"Maybe part of the fault lies with you, Adam. Lucy loved you-at least as much as a young girl's heart can. Maybe, had you been patient and waited until she grew up, then she wouldn't have tried to make herself fall in love with other men."

Adam stood up. "Oh, so now all this is my fault. Well, let me tell you a very simple truth about Lucy-she has a definite mind of her own and if she didn't marry those men, it's probably because they didn't measure up."

"Measure up to you?" Ben could tell that Adam was upset; he had seen Adam looking for Lucy at the wedding reception and then ask her parents about her. He also noticed that Adam had left the reception early to take Gloria back home but Ben had been guessing and now he was certain that Adam had left early to stop and see Lucy, not to spend time alone with Gloria.

"The hell with this," Adam said. "I don't have to sit here and be blamed for the fact that Lucy-that she hasn't married yet.

"Adam, I'm not blaming you…" Ben stopped since Adam had walked away and took the stairs up to his room, not even saying goodnight.

And as Adam lay on his bed in his dark room, he wished he had gone to Virginia City with Hoss. He could have drowned himself in beer and taken the edge off by having some saloon girl sit on his lap and then take him upstairs. That would have taken his mind off Lucy-he wouldn't think of her constantly then. But Adam pressed the heels of his hands over his eyebrows as if he could press his longing for Lucy out of his mind. And the more he thought of her, the more restless he became until he sat up, his breathing rapid, the sweat beading on his forehead.

"Why? Why?" He whispered to himself. "Why does it have to be her face, her voice, her body I want? Why, when after all this time I was finally content-content until that night I danced with her and she told me how she had loved me for so long. And I kissed her and it was like balm for my soul. Why?" Adam asked himself but he was really asking God, asking why he had to continue in his perpetual misery because in the back of Adam's mind was the fear that if he returned Lucy's love, if they were to take each other, something would happen and she would be ripped from his arms and taken away. "No more," Adam said to himself, "no more." And Adam decided that he would go to town and join Hoss. Beer and women-no better combination.

When Adam woke up, the first thing that came to his consciousness was that the sun was shining directly onto his face; he hadn't pulled the shade last night. The second was that he smelled like stale beer and cheap perfume and that he desperately needed a bath. He also decided that he would strip the bed; he didn't want to sleep another night on these sheets that smelled like a whore house. So after pulling the sheets off the bed, Adam grabbed his robe and went downstairs to the washroom. The downstairs was warm; the fire was still going strongly and glancing at the grandfather clock, Adam could see that his father and brother hadn't been gone that long; for once, no one had knocked on his door asking if he wanted to go to church. "Took them long enough," Adam grumbled. But while the great room had been warm, the washroom was chilly so Adam had to start the furnace under the cistern to heat the water. He then went to the kitchen to fix another pot of coffee. There was some left in the coffeepot on the sideboard so Adam drank the rest of that, picked up a few cold hotcakes and ate them while he waited for the water to heat and the coffee to boil. He again smelled the odor that rose from him and he considered that he'd have to wash the robe too. If his clothes from last night smelled half this bad, Adam considered that he may have to burn them.

He hadn't drunk much the night before; Adam had been in a mean mood and he knew that if he became drunk, he'd become even meaner. He might even have killed someone-or, which was his biggest fear, gone to Lucy's and demanded that she give her body to him because now he would take it-take it and enjoy it. So he only had two beers and he was perfectly sober when the two saloon girls asked him if he'd like a twirl upstairs.

"Dang," Hoss had cried, "I'm s'possed to be the generous one, having one of these beauties for me and one for you!"

"Well," Adam said, one arm around each girl's waist, "when I'm through, maybe you can take a turn-that is if they're not worn out." And Hoss and all the men at the table where they were drinking and the surrounding tables laughed.

Finally the bathwater was hot enough so Adam took a mug of coffee in with him and soaked in the tub, drinking his coffee. He rested his head against the high, curved end of the slipper tub that they had ordered from back east over seven years ago. It was large and roomy-it had to be big enough for Hoss, and after he had washed his hair and scrubbed himself clean-he knew that if he still stank of sour beer and cheap women after this, then he would never get clean of it.

So he lay back again in the tub and closed his eyes and thought of last night again and then, as usual, his thoughts turned to Lucy and he felt his body respond to the memory of her. "Damn," he mumbled to himself. "Always…always the same thing. I need to marry that girl." And Adam quickly sat up. He had decided, almost against his will, that he would marry Lucy. He would wait a while and then, maybe around Christmas, he would ask her. He decided that he would ask her to the Christmas Ball; he would ask her then and she would say, yes. Then they would marry as soon as they could and he wouldn't be driven by this madness, this constant desire for her. That would solve everything. And then Lucy would be safe in their home and not sleep alone in her narrow bed in the back of Madame Millais' dress shop. Adam lay back again and smiled. "Yes," he thought, "I've waited this long for her. I can wait a bit longer."

Adam was sitting in the blue chair by the fire drinking more coffee and trying to read a volume of poetry but he didn't particularly care for the poet. There was something about Clough that didn't sit well with him but he was trying anyway. Perhaps Lucy would bring Clough up and expect Adam to talk about him, after all, she had talked to him once about Milton and Clough was one of his contemporaries. That's when Adam had told her the story his father had shared with him telling how his name, Adam, came about-why his mother had chosen it. And Lucy had smiled and thought it was touching.

The front door opened and along with Hoss and the chilly wind that followed him and made the flames in the fireplace dance, came Gloria Melville and her two children followed by Ben.

"Well," Adam said, standing up, "to what do we owe this visit?" Gloria, after Hoss had taken her cape, came over to him and as expected, Adam kissed her cheek.

"Only on the cheek, Adam? I thought we were better friends than that." Gloria looked up at him with her blue eyes and smiled gently. Adam had to admit that she was pretty but she was wearing that atrocious, red hat again. Adam wondered if Lucy had sold Gloria the hat as a spiteful joke.

"In front of the children?" Adam asked, a small smile on his face.

"All right," Gloria said, "I'll be content to wait until we're alone. Gloria turned to her children. "You remember Mr. Cartwright, don't you?"

Adam smiled at the two children, the pretty little girl and the shy boy who stood behind his sister.

"Danny," Gloria said, "get your finger out of your nose and stand up straight." She walked over to her children and pulled Danny out by his arm. "Now say, hello."

"I'll say, hello, momma," Brenda said.

"I'm not talking to you, Brenda. Danny, say, hello."

Adam felt himself become uncomfortable and embarrassed; he wasn't quite sure why he felt such turmoil, but his heart went out to Danny who stood there looking as if he was going to cry. "It's all right, Gloria. He doesn't have to say, hello. Hello, Danny," Adam said, bending down. "Welcome to the Ponderosa and I hope you like peach pie because that's what we're going to have for dessert. Do you like peach pie?" Danny nodded. "Good."

"Well, c'mon, you two," Hoss said. "I promised you each a horseshoe for good luck. Now c'mon with me out to the barn and you can meet the horses and pick out the shoe you want. We got a whole pile of old horseshoes."

"Can we each have two?" Brenda asked. Hoss laughed.

"Brenda," Gloria said. "Don't be rude."

"It's okay, ma'am," Hoss said. "They're just scrap shoes."

"I know," Gloria said. "What am I go to do with scrap horseshoes? Only one apiece, please." After they left, Gloria turned on Adam. "And, Adam, as far as Danny, I'm trying to build a little backbone in him; he can't go through life being afraid of everything."

"I'm sorry, Gloria, but I just don't think it's that important if he says hello to me or not. He's just a small boy of what? Four? Five?"

"He'll be five and it's about time he got his voice. Now please—I know what's best for my children."

"Yes, ma'am," Adam said bluntly. He wanted to say more but Gloria was correct-they weren't his children and he had no right to interfere. So he suppressed any more commentary on her method of raising children and said nothing more.

"Oh, Adam," Ben said as he prepared to sit down and enjoy his pipe and their company in front of the fire, "could you get us a cup of coffee? And Will and Laura and their brood are coming to dinner as well. As soon as Hop Sing gets here, which better be soon, he needs to know."

Inwardly, Adam groaned; he had lost his taste for company completely since his return from sea. He had always preferred to stand on the side and watch; had he been a female, he had often thought, he would have been a wallflower. And although he was fond of children, the idea of having six children at the Ponderosa all at one time was more than he felt he could tolerate.

"Of course, Pa. Sit down, Gloria. I'll bring the whole tray over."

"Why, thank you, Adam." Gloria sat down and looked around the room and admired the beamed ceiling and the solid furniture. The huge fireplace was welcoming and gave the room a certain masculine air. "Yes," she thought to herself, "when I am mistress here, I'll add a few feminine touches-not too many, but just enough to show that it's now my home." She knew that Marie had been the last mistress of the Ponderosa so she looked around the room and tried to decide what reflected Marie's taste; she would have to be careful not to step on any toes when she decided what would stay and what would go.

Adam took the coffeepot into the kitchen to refresh it and start another pot when Hop Sing came in through the kitchen doors, shivering from the cold, wearing his heavy, quilted jacket, a wool scarf wrapped around his neck and pulled up to his ears. He was cursing the cold in Chinese.

"I assume, Hop Sing, that what you are saying is that the weather is as cold as a wife with too many children," Adam said with a smile.

"It cold, Mistah Adam. It so cold that Hop Sing loses feeling in feet."

"Well, if you'd wear something sturdier than those Chinese slippers, you…"

"Out, out, Mistah Adam. Hop Sing make big fire-start stove-make kitchen very warm, very warm."

"Oh," Adam said, "we're having company for dinner."

"Who company?" Hop Sing looked suspiciously at Adam.

"Mrs. Melville, you don't know her, and her two children and then Will and Laura and their four children." And Adam stepped back in case Hop Sing went on a rampage.

"Make more work for Hop Sing." Hop Sing threw his arms in the air, pulled off his jacket and started opening cupboards and drawers, pulling out bowls and knives. "Always more work. More people, more work."

"Oh, and Hop Sing," Adam said just as he was about to turn the corner out of the kitchen. "I told them that we were having peach pie for dessert." Adam took off just as Hop Sing started his new round of cursing in Chinese, gesticulating emphatically with both hands and Adam was glad that he spoke no Chinese-he felt it was best not to know what ills Hop Sing was wishing on him.

About four in the afternoon, Will showed up minus Laura, their oldest boy, Billy and Tell. Will explained that Billy seemed to be coming down with something, he seemed to be running a fever, so Laura had stayed home with him and therefore, Tell was at home as well.

Gloria said that it was a shame, she so wanted to get to know Laura better but at least her Danny and his Stewart could meet and perhaps be friends. Peggy, who greeted all the Cartwrights with kisses and hugs, was the object of Brenda's admiration and she followed Peggy around and sat next to her on the settee and asked her all sorts of questions.

"Uncle Adam," Peggy said quietly to him, "Brenda won't leave me alone. She keeps following me and asking me things about school, my dress, my hair-gosh, Uncle Adam, how can I make her leave me alone?"

"Well, Peggy," Adam said, putting an arm around her shoulders as he sat, "she probably thinks that since you're almost twelve, that you're just about the smartest, prettiest girl she knows and that's why she's asking you all those questions. I bet she wants to be just like you."

"Just like me?" Peggy was flattered.

"Yup. Just like you. So why don't you try to be nice to her. You can be like her older sister. You know what it's like only to have brothers, right?"

"Boy, do I ever."

"Well, you and she have that in common. Now go on and talk to her; I bet you'll like her. Go on," Adam said, giving her a small push.

Peggy turned around and with pure candor, she said, "I still wish that you were my father instead of Will." And then she went off.

Adam sat stunned-and secretly flattered. He looked at Will in a close conversation with Gloria and wondered again what life would have been like had he married Laura. And had he married Laura, he considered, would he still love her? Would he have made a better husband that Will? And then he wondered what their married life was like, their matters of intimacy. Having never been intimate with Laura, Adam couldn't quite picture Will and Laura together but it seemed odd to him that two such disparate people as Laura and Will, would fall in love and marry.

But then, Adam thought about Lucy and wondered if he had married Laura, would he still yearn for Lucy or was it merely that he was still a bachelor. Were he married, Adam considered, she never would have followed him to the barn that night, never confessed her love for him, never kissed him. He shook his head clear; this wasn't the time to begin to think of Lucy, to feel his blood start to boil with desire. So he took a deep breath and looked around the room. Hoss was sitting at the round table with Stewart and Danny, playing checkers; Stewart sat in Hoss' lap since he was the youngest and Danny was moving his own pieces and for the first time ever, Hoss cheated at checkers to make sure that each boy won every other game.

Adam smiled to himself; of all of them, Adam thought, Hoss would make the best father since he had such compassion for weaker living things, whether they be human or animal. Gloria and Will were still talking and Ben was sitting in his chair, his head against the back of the chair, softly snoring. Adam shook his head and looked at his father with love. Adam had the same urge he had when a child fell asleep-to pick his father up in his arms, take him upstairs and tuck him in his bed, placing a benevolent kiss on his forehead. But soon enough, Hop Sing came out of the kitchen to announce that "Suppah ready. Eat now."

"Pa, Pa," Adam said, gently shaking his father's shoulder.

"What, what is it, Adam? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Pa. It's time for dinner. You fell asleep. Don't ask me how you managed it. If I knew, I'd have slept too."

It was late when dinner was finally over and the children were weary and Stewart was hanging over Hoss' shoulder as he slept in Hoss' arms. Danny was fussy and that made Gloria irritable. She snapped at her two children and Brenda began to cry.

"I guess it's time for us to go now," Will said. "Hoss, would you carry Stewart out to the buggy?"

"Sure, Will. C'mon, Miss Peggy. Help me with Stewart." Hoss and Peggy walked out, Peggy warmly wrapped in her cape and hood that Adam helped her with in the house the same as he kneeled and helped Brenda with hers.

Gloria stood and waited until Adam helped her with her wrap as well. "Will you drive us into town, Adam?"

Adam had thought that since Hoss and his father had driven Gloria and her children out that one of them would drive her back but it was obvious that Gloria wanted Adam to drive her home. He felt himself becoming resentful but he took a deep breath and controlled his annoyance.

"Of course," Adam said. "Give me time to hitch up the horse and I'll be back in to get you." And Adam put on his jacket, buttoned it up, buckled on his gun belt, adjusted his hat and after giving a wink to Brenda, he went out to the barn, hunching his shoulders against the cold. "Damn," Adam thought, "it's colder than a witch's teat." He pulled his gloves out of a jacket pocket and slipped them on, working his fingers through. "I won't get home before ten," he thought, "and we have a full day of work ahead of us trying to beat the snow." So he sighed and went about hitching the horse to the closed carriage lined up on the opposite side of the barn.

TBC


	12. Part 11

I received a guest review and since I think that more readers may feel the same, I will address the issue here. I know that many people who are Bonanza aficionados prefer to see the C's written using only clean language and behaving morally upright and kind and virtuous at all times and I can understand that. But I prefer to write the C's as humans with all the flaws and foibles that all humans have. I also think that the C's would curse and use crude language when talking to one another. The show was in the 60's and remember that Gunsmoke had to change it's beginning because Dillon shooting down someone in the street was deemed too violent. Nevertheless, were the show made today, I think they would curse-not as they did in the HBO series Deadwood (LOL!), but they would curse.

In the last season, Candy tells Griff after they have fought that Griff can go to China or hell. They couldn't have said that in the early years. And in the episode with Leif Erickson (the name escapes me!), Adam says "It gets colder than a polar bear's nose." Now what grown, hunky, virile man says that? That's why I had him say, "It's colder than a witch's teat." Seemed more like something a man might say (although a man would actually say something even more vulgar than that!)

Anyway, I wanted to explain the rationale as to why they seem to have more weaknesses-as humans do.

PART 11

Adam walked among the men, checking on their progress in certain areas. He kept glancing at the sky; it was that certain gray that indicates snow, the sky he dreaded seeing until after the contract was filled.

"Adam, we're gonna be finished on time-now don't you worry none. I hired on two new men this mornin'."

"Who?" Adam asked.

"Names are Jakes and Bellows. Bellows says that he worked on the Big Dusty and been cuttin' up in Canada the past few years. He said that he trained Jakes, taught him all the ropes."

"Maybe," Adam said, "but I want to talk to them. Where are they working?" He rubbed his gloved hands together. This cold seemed to get into his bones and he decided that he was really getting old. All he wanted was to go home, sit in front of the fire, put an afghan over his knees and drink a mug of hot coffee.

"Over by the lake."

"Hoss, why did you have to send them so far away before I met them?"

"Well, for one, they asked to work away from the others-Bellows said all that noise and talk from the other men disturbed his concentration, and second, you're the one who wanted to start at first light so's we could knock off early," Hoss said. "Ain't my fault you weren't here to meet them so don't get on me, older brother, or I'll twist that educated head right off your neck. I only had that cold, leftover ham between two pieces of stale bread for breakfast and my stomach's protesting so loud that I can't hear myself think. And it's so damn cold that my fingers might just snap off."

"Okay, okay," Adam said in a placating manner. "We'll stop for lunch soon. I'll be back later and make sure that Joe's here and doing his share. If I know Joe, he's probably still in bed snuggled up next to Polly." Adam mounted his horse and headed out for the lake.

He noticed that his head was foggy this morning and no amount of coffee seemed to clear it. He decided that it was a combination of Saturday night in town and then, last night, after Sunday dinner, he actually didn't get back home from town until after eleven after taking Gloria and her children home. Gloria had invited him in and he declined. Then she mentioned that the last time she invited him in, Adam had declined as well. So Adam said that he would come in but that he couldn't stay long. So after Gloria had paid the woman who watched them and put her children to bed, a half hour had already passed. Then she insisted that he stay for coffee but Adam said that it was too late so she offered him a glass of brandy. That he accepted, so he adjusted his holster and sat down in her parlor.

They talked while Adam sipped his brandy with Gloria doing most of the talking. She commented on Will and what a good father he seemed to be, so proud of his sons, and Adam agreed.

"Hoss would make a wonderful father too," Gloria said. "Haven't you ever wanted to be a father, Adam?"

"Not particularly," Adam replied.

Gloria looked at him with a puzzled look. "No? I would think as the oldest son, you would feel it was your duty to have children."

"Well," Adam said, "you'd be wrong." Adam stood up and made an attempt to un-kink his back. Whenever he sat for too long in one position, his back seized up on him; he had never recovered completely from the beating that had almost killed him and his back protested loudest when he was tired. "I really need to get back home. I have a full day tomorrow and I'm sure that you do too."

"Adam, I didn't mean…"

Adam gave a small laugh. "Gloria, I'm leaving because it's late and I'm tired and need to get some sleep. I have a long ride back. You didn't do anything to run me off." He held her by her upper arms and gave her a quick kiss. "Now you get some sleep too." He picked up his hat and reached in his pocket for his gloves.

"Adam," Gloria said quietly. He looked at her expectantly. "You can stay the night here…if you like."

Adam looked at her, considering. She was beautiful, she always had been, and although he was tired, he felt that he could rouse himself but then he considered that if he stayed, Gloria would take that as a commitment that he was going to marry her-and he didn't want to-couldn't see himself coming home to her every evening. He couldn't even bear the thought.

"I don't think so, Gloria," and Adam put on his gloves and closed her door behind him. He patted the mare which had been standing in the cold, patiently waiting while hitched to the buggy. "Sorry, girl," Adam said, "but it could be worse-you could have stood out here all night." Then he climbed into the carriage, flapped the reins on the horse's back and started home but first he took one detour and drove past the hat shop. It was dark inside the store and Adam stopped the horse and sat for a few moments. Lucy had told him not to come back and she had meant it. Besides, it was late and Lucy would be asleep, but still, he felt a certain comfort knowing that she was so near. And then he continued on his way, secure in the thought that he had made the right choice-and planning how he would go about asking Lucy to the Christmas Ball before, perhaps, someone else did.

Suddenly, the thought hit him; what if someone else wanted Lucy? What if she accepted someone who would ask her before he had a chance? She was through with him, she had said, and therefore, she would be looking for a new path for her life, not waiting for him to come around and see what had been within his grasp the whole time. "I'll ask her tomorrow night," Adam decided. "I'll come into town after I clean up and think of some ruse to see her and I'll ask her to the dance. I'll grovel if I have to but I'll convince her to go with me-that is, if she hasn't already accepted someone." A small seed of panic started in his breast. "Tomorrow-I'll quit earlier and leave it to Hoss to finish and I'll go see Lucy." Adam felt comforted by that thought. Tomorrow he would see Lucy and hear her voice and see her sweet face and maybe, maybe she'd let him kiss her. And Adam smiled to himself at the thought of Lucy's mouth, of her lips gently parting as he kissed her. And then, with the thought of her vivid in his mind, he hurried the horse home.

But that had been last night and it was close to noon and they hadn't made as much progress on the cutting as her had expected so Adam was anxious and impatient. As he neared the area where the new men were working, he heard the sound of axes striking wood. Adam nodded to himself in approval; the use of axes instead of a two-man saw meant that the men were aiming for better accuracy in felling the tree. Adam dismounted, "Be back, Sport," he said to his horse, and walked over to the two men. The younger of the two men saw him first and slapped the older man on the arm.

"You two Jakes and Bellows?" Adam asked.

"That depends," The older said, "on who you are." The man stared suspiciously at Adam; it was obvious that he didn't trust strangers.

"I'm Adam Cartwright," he said, putting out his gloved hand.

"Oh, you related to the fella, that Hoss Cartwright who hired us?" the younger one asked.

Adam looked puzzled for a moment. He wasn't vain but it was unusual to find someone who didn't know the Cartwrights. "Yeah. That fella's my brother. You must be Bellows," Adam said, pointing to the older man who looked to be pushing forty, "and you must be Jakes." Jakes was a young man of about Joe's age. The two men nodded to indicate that Adam was correct. "Well, how many trees that were marked have you taken down so far today?"

"We have three down and we're working on four now," Bellows answered.

Adam walked around the cut that the men had started; the tree was just about ready to fall. "From looking at this, the tree's going to fall right over there," Adam said, pointing in the direction from which he had come.

"Yeah? So?" Jakes asked.

Adam thought that Jakes looked nervous. "Well," Adam said, looking up and pointing toward another tree, "it's not going to be clean and might get caught on the way down by that pine right there."

"And I s'pose you think you know more than we do 'bout cuttin' trees." Jakes said indignantly.

"As a matter of fact, I do," Adam replied with a smile.

"Don't pay any attention to Jakes," Bellows said. "He's still young and don't know how to talk to the boss man." Then he turned and said, "Just shut your mouth, Jakes."

"Well, he didn't hire us and he comes in here all high and mighty tellin' us how to do our business."

"Shut up, Jakes," Bellows said grabbing the young man's arm and shaking him. Then Bellows turned to Adam. "I apologize again here for my friend."

"Yes, well," Adam said looking from one man to another, "after you finish felling this tree, come back to camp. I want to reassign you to another site." Adam started to walk back to Sport who was trying to crop what few tufts of grass were left.

"I apologized for the boy," Bellows called after him.

Adam looked back and then continued on his way; he didn't feel he had to explain himself. After all, he was the "boss man" and it was his prerogative where the men would work. Adam was almost to his horse when he heard a familiar sound, the crack and splintering of the section that held a tree upright until it was finally too much; the tree was falling and Adam's gut reacted. He watched as Sport also reacted to the noise, shied and then took off. Adam turned and saw as if in a dream, the tree falling, saw how it knocked the branches of trees near it and pine needles and pine cones showered down on him. Adam didn't even think but threw himself to the side and threw up his arms as the tree fell down until it's thicker, lower branches caught him. He felt a heavy weight hit his forearm and he rolled to try to avoid more of the tree but and then a thick sturdy branch, about the circumference of his thigh, hit his side and he felt a brain-numbing pain shoot through him. He couldn't think but just lay there, waiting for the pain to subside so that he could breathe again. But it didn't.

Adam tried to suck in small, controlled breaths and he heard Bellow's voice coming closer, asking Jakes what the hell was wrong with him to do such a thing. They stood over him and Adam turned his head as best he could to see them.

"You okay, Mr. Cartwright?" Bellows asked.

"Just…." Adam tried to talk but his side hurt with every breath he took and his left forearm ached as if the bone was broken. "Just…take the tree…off me…please." Adam raised his head slightly and then dropped it. He gave up trying to raise it and closed his eyes.

"I can't do that, Mr. Cartwright," Bellows said. "We can't afford to talk to no sheriff so's we're just gonna have to leave you here. We're sorry, Mr. Cartwright. Jakes shouldn't 've tried to kill you but he's scared and he's young so we gotta leave now and head for somewhere else. I'm sorry." And with that, Adam heard the two men hurry away and he heard horse hooves until the two men were out of range.

Adam tried to push the heavy branch off him but putting any pressure on his left arm made sharp pains shoot up through his shoulder. His other arm was pinned under him and he couldn't raise his upper body to free it; his side burned with pain. So Adam lay back and thought about the irony of his situation. "Very funny, God," he mumbled. "I guess I always knew that you'd have the last laugh." And Adam chuckled to himself. After all the storms he had weathered at sea, after recovering from being beaten half to death, he was going to die buried under one of his father's beloved Ponderosa pines. And he hadn't yet done the "deed of kind" with Lucy. Adam thought of her, how she had looked when she had told him she loved him and how he, fool that he was, refused her love. "Oh, Lucy," he murmured as if she could hear, "what a damnable fool I am. If I had another chance, Lucy…if I had another chance I would hold you to me and never let go of you." And then, Adam opened his eyes and cursed. "As if things weren't bad enough…" Snow began to gently fall but Adam knew that it would build and if he wasn't found within the next few hours, he might be buried under the snow and not found until spring thaw.

Vague sounds came through to him and Adam tried to open his eyes. He felt hands lift the weight of the tree's branches off him and a hand wiping the snow off his head and face.

"Hell, he's practically blue, Hoss. How long do you think he's been out here?"

"I don't know but he came out this way 'bout an hour or so 'afore lunch and it's been what, five hours since then? Let me check him. Move over, Joe." Adam felt a warm hand hold his wrist and another move up his arm. Adam winced. "Looks like he might got a break here in his arm. He must've tried to stop the tree. That's probably why he couldn't get out from under this thing. Between the covering of the greenery and the snow, we're lucky we found 'im."

"You mean he's lucky we found him. How're we going to get him home? He can't ride Sport."

Adam wanted to tell them to let him try. He now recognized that it was Hoss and Joe talking about him and he wanted to tell them to put him on Sport and that he would try to ride, but all he could manage was to stay partially conscious; he just felt overwhelmingly sleepy and not even cold anymore.

Adam felt two strong arms pick him up. "Bring Cooch closer," Adam heard. "Now I'm gonna put him in front of you…that's it…pull 'im on easy. Easy now. Set him straight. You sure you can do this, Joe?"

"Well, Chubb can't take both of you so I don't see any other option."

"I guess so but don't go too fast, now. We don't want him bounced off and I think from that groaning he did that he might have some ribs broke too. Damn! Poor Adam, seemed like he was finally goin' to get that quiet life he came home to find and then this happens. He just can't get a break in luck, can he? Now, remember, not too fast."

Adam felt pain regularly shoot through him as the horse moved but luckily, he kept falling asleep on and off and then, another sharp pain would waken him. "At least," he thought to himself, "I'm still alive. At least I'm alive." And it came to Adam that he did want to be alive, that he did want a wife and that maybe he had received a second chance.

Ben sat downstairs, waiting impatiently for the doctor to come down from Adam's room.

"Now, Pa," Hoss said, pacing the room, "Adam done been through worse than this."

"Well if you believe that," Joe said, "then why don't you sit down? Your pacing is making me crazy." Joe knew Polly was expecting him home but he didn't want to leave until he heard what the doctor had to say. The way Adam looked had scared him; Adam's skin was turning white, his lips blue, and his arm looked to be at an odd angle and once they had him home and pulled off his jacket and shirt, a huge lump had distorted his arm. Only Adam's groans of pain let them know he was alive.

"You two don't need to snap at each other," Ben said. "I would think…"

"Pa," Hoss said. "The doctor."

All three men stood up as the doctor came down. "What is it, Paul? Will he be all right?"

The doctor put down his bag on the round table. "Could I have a cup of coffee, Ben?"

"Of course. Hoss," Ben said, "get Doc Martin a cup of coffee, would you?"

"Yeah, Pa, but…" Hoss wanted to hear what the prognosis was.

"Then go get it, would you?" Hoss left for the kitchen, quickly pouring a cup from the pot on the stove and spilling some in the process; the coffee sizzled on the stove top.

When Hoss returned, the doctor was sitting on the settee and both Ben and Joe had serious expressions on their faces.

"What worries me the most," the doctor continued," is his lungs. First, I believe that one or more of his broken ribs may have punctured his left lung but being out there in the cold in that position for so long may have given him pneumonia. His left lung in particular sounds bad. His arm, that fracture will heal-it's simple and I put it in a splint- but his lungs…I don't know. There's really nothing to help with pneumonia but rest and the person's constitution."

"Then it's bad,' Ben said, his brows furrowed.

"I'm saying it could be." The doctor finished his coffee. "Just give him the laudanum; it'll help with the pain and keep him comfortable and quiet. I was going to wrap his ribs but because of his lungs, well, I chose not to but he has to remain still. His body will also fight any infection better if he's sleeping, resting." The doctor stood up and went to get his bag. Hoss, Joe and Ben stood up and Hoss helped the doctor with his overcoat. Ben walked the doctor out the door and to his carriage. It was dark, cold and the snow was starting again.

"Thanks for coming out," Ben said.

"I'll be back in two days. If Adam gets worse overnight or tomorrow, send for me," the doctor said taking up his reins. "Just remember to give him the laudanum on a regular basis for at least the next three days; after that, cut down. We don't want to start another problem." The doctor looked around. "It's going to be a cold winter. Ben, you best get inside before you get pneumonia. I don't need two patients out here."

Ben smiled, stepped back and watched the doctor drive away. "That Adam," Ben thought to himself as he walked back to the house. "Why does he always tear at my heart so?" But Ben knew why; it was the guilt he always felt when he thought about the lonely boy Adam had been and the lonely man he had become. Ben felt responsible for the fact that Adam had long ago built a fortress around himself, choosing only to let in a few, select people and often hiding behind the walls when he thought he was being attacked; his snide, sarcastic persona was his armor and he had learned all this as he was growing from a boy to a man. Ben knew that Adam had witnessed his pain at the loss of Inger and Marie and felt pain himself at their deaths, but Ben knew he couldn't have prevented that. Nevertheless, Ben always felt that he should have embraced Adam, invited Adam to grieve with him instead of letting the boy grieve alone; Ben felt he had been selfish. But if he lost Adam, his first born, Ben knew that it would kill him.

TBC


	13. Part 12

Part 12

Adam could barely open his eyes; they were so heavy that he struggled to keep to keep them open. He looked down to his left and saw a woman's bowed head resting on small, white hands clasped in prayer. He was puzzled at first and then he realized that it was Lucy, that she was kneeling and praying by his bedside. He wanted to speak to her, to touch her hair and to thank her but he felt too weary and overwhelmingly sleepy. His eyes closed and he fell asleep knowing that Lucy was there and that she cared for him still.

Lucy walked downstairs and Ben stood up. "Thank you, Mr. Cartwright, for letting me see him." Lucy picked her gloves from off the table and began to put them on.

"Now, Lucy," Ben said, "stay for a while and have some coffee or tea. It's too cold out there for you-you shouldn't have driven all the way out here."

"When I heard what had happened, I wanted to see him. I had said some unkind things to him the last time we spoke-and I didn't mean them." Her voice broke and she took a deep breath, Madame Millais' earlier advice ringing in her ears when Lucy became upset at the news about Adam, "Breathe, just breathe, ma chere."

"I wanted to apologize to him," Lucy said. She stopped, trying again to control her fear. Adam had looked so pale and his breathing was so rough that she half believed what Mrs. McHale had told her in the shop, that Adam Cartwright had a near-fatal lumber accident, a tree fell on him, and that he was dying.

When Mrs. McHale had said that, just nonchalantly, Lucy felt dizzy-she felt light-headed and had to sit down. Mrs. McHale had called to Madame Millais who came from the back, and when she saw Lucy's paleness, the whiteness of even her lips, she told Lucy to drop her head and to breathe and then she ran to get a glass of cool water.

"Drink, ma chere, it will do you good. Now what is it that made you go so pale? It is not your parents, no?" Madame Millais kneeled next to Lucy's chair.

"I was just asking Miss Lucy if she had heard about Adam Cartwright," Mrs. McHale said. "Everyone is talking about it. It seems he was almost killed and still might die. Well, she went white and I thought she was about to faint and that's when I called you." Mrs. McHale was flustered but at least she had the satisfaction of discovering new gossip. Just wait until she told everyone that Lucy Fairmont had practically fainted at the news that Adam Cartwright was close to dying. After all, Lucy Fairmont had ended two engagements with two eligible bachelors, one of whom left Virginia City immediately after Lucy broke off with him. And then she had moved out of her parents' elegant home, turned her back on all they offered her just so she could earn her own way. And now Lucy Fairmont had shown her hand; there was definitely something between her and Adam Cartwright. Mrs. McHale and her friends could spend many a lovely time recounting past incidents or events involving Lucy and Adam that would support this conclusion and fuel even more gossip.

"Mrs. McHale," Madame Millais said, smiling, "pick out any hat you would like. You may then have twenty per cent off for being so kind. I think Lucy does not feel well so I will return in a moment." And with Mrs. McHale looking at the prices of all the hats she had tried on to see which one cost the most, Madame took Lucy to the back and guided her to a seat.

Lucy let herself be led; she couldn't think what to do. Adam might be dying and here she was in town, selling hats to vain, fat women. "I need to see him, Madame," Lucy said. That was all she knew to do; to go see him.

"D'accord, ma petite. Just breathe. Just breathe slowly." Lucy did as Madame told her. "Now, listen to me. I have my carriage at the livery-breathe…just breathe-and you tell the man that I say you may take it."

"Thank you," Lucy said as she stood up. Now she knew what she would do; she would go see Adam and tell him that she was sorry for what she had said. She didn't want him out of her life-there was no life without him. It couldn't be too late; the fates wouldn't be that cruel. And when she arrived at the Ponderosa, Ben showed her upstairs and then closed the door to leave her alone with him. All she could think to do was to drop to her knees and plead with God to spare him. And then, she rose and looked down at him, brushed the stray hair from his forehead and bent and kissed his brow.

"Please, Adam," she quietly said, "if you can hear me, know that I didn't mean what I said. I didn't mean it and I'm sorry if I hurt you. I do love you-my heart is fixed on you and I have no room for anyone else, no other man but you." Then she turned and went downstairs where Ben was waiting for he; he hoped that perhaps Adam had spoken to her-said something.

"Are you sure you won't stay? Just some coffee to warm you up?"

Lucy slipped on her leather gloves. She felt that Ben wanted some company but knew, with the long ride back to town that she couldn't stay any longer. "No, Mr. Cartwright, I really can't stay. I need to return to work. Madame Millais let me have the afternoon to come see Adam but…I really need to get back."

"All right, Lucy," Ben said, "Let me help you with your cape." Ben held her cape and then wrapped it around her and she reached up and buttoned it at the neck. "Let me walk you out." Ben put his hand on the small of her back and guided her out. He helped her into the small buggy.

"May I come see him again?" Lucy asked, taking up the reins.

"Thank you, Lucy. I'd appreciate that and I'm sure Adam would as well."

"Do you know what happened, how he was hurt?"

"Well, we're not sure. Two men were supposed to be out there cutting but when Hoss and Joe found Adam, they were gone. Adam wasn't really capable of talking when they found him, he kept falling into unconsciousness, but we suspect that maybe they intentionally felled him along with the tree, probably by accident, and then ran. Sheriff Coffee's been looking into it but that's about all we know."

Lucy nodded. "I'll be back to see Adam again as soon as I can," Lucy said, and started to back up the buggy, then stopped. "If anything…if he gets worse, you'll let me know? Please?"

"Yes," Ben said. "I'll let you know." He stepped back and Lucy left. Ben watched her ride away and then solemnly returned to keep vigil at Adam's bed side.

Lucy returned a few days later and Adam was awake. He smiled when he saw her.

"How are you doing, Adam?" Lucy said, sitting down on the chair by his bed, the one where Ben had sat for hours watching Adam breathe.

Adam still felt drowsy and weak but he wanted to stay awake for Lucy. "Well, I haven't died yet if that's what you mean?" Adam noticed that Lucy had put a book in her lap. "What's that?"

"It's a book, Adam." She held it up. Lucy knew what Adam meant but now that he seemed to be better, she thought she'd return a little of his teasing of her.

"You know what I mean, Lucy. What book is it?"

"It's _Candide_ by Voltaire. Have you read it?" Lucy sat, her hands folded on top of the book.

"No, can't say that I have." He took as deep a breath as his ribs would allow; he couldn't talk for long without getting winded.

"I thought that I would read to you since your arm is in that splint and you can't hold a book-it just came yesterday. Would you like that-if I read it? You can say, no, my feelings won't be hurt." She looked at him as he lay with his eyes closed and her heart softened at the sweetness of his mouth. Lucy always thought that Adam had the mouth of an angel, softly curved with lush, full lips and she remembered the night months ago at Joe's engagement party when he had kissed her with such longing and desperation. But when he turned his head to look at her, she snapped out of the reverie.

He smiled at her. "Yes, I'd like that, Lucy." And he closed his eyes to listen and she bowed her head to read.

"There lived in Westphalia, in the castle of the Baron of Thunder-Ten-Tronckh, a young man upon whom nature had bestowed…."

Adam would chuckle when Lucy read an amusing line and then, when his mouth opened slightly and his breathing softened, Lucy knew he was asleep. She closed the book and placed it on the nightstand, bent over to kiss his forehead and after offering a small prayer thanking God for sparing him, she left.

Thus she came every chance she had and read to him and he became stronger every day. Soon, he was sitting up in bed and alert when she came, the splint gone from his arm which was now wrapped with a length of bandage. She was glad to see his broad smile whenever she arrived but he also teased her, asking her how she found time out of her busy day selling hats to travel all that way to the Ponderosa just to read to an ungrateful invalid. And now, having finished _Candide,_ Lucy had started to read a translation of _The Count of Monte Cristo_. He would listen and comment on the novel, especially on the plot of revenge, but then one day he asked her about the Christmas Ball.

"Are you going to the ball, Lucy?" Adam asked.

"What?" She looked up from the book.

"The Christmas Ball? Are you going?"

Lucy was flustered. "No, I'm not going."

"Why not? No one ask you?"

"I don't see that it's any of your business." Lucy didn't know what else to say; he had caught her off guard.

Adam laughed. "Now don't be offended, Lucy. I just asked. I was planning on asking you myself but, well, the best laid plans o' mice and men, as Burns said."

"Well, aren't you fortunate then that you were almost killed," Lucy said sharply. "You never had to ask me." She bent her head and began to read again.

"Lucy, stop reading for a minute, would you?"

Lucy stopped and looked at him, trying to control her expression; he had upset her and she didn't want him to know-but she knew he already knew and was trying to apologize.

"I really was planning to ask you. I didn't like the way we left things-you feeling the way you did. I wanted to try to make things right again between us."

Lucy swallowed. "Well, thank you, Adam" Then she looked at him. "I wanted…when I heard you had been hurt, I came out here to…to let you know that I didn't mean what I had said. I regretted the way I spoke to you and all that I said."

Adam reached out to her with one hand. "C'mere, Lucy. Let me kiss you. Let's kiss and make up and be friends again."

She put the book in the chair and went to him. He reached for her and she sat on the side of the bed and he pulled her to him and kissed her, She relaxed, enjoying his mouth, and then, before she could stop him, he had pulled her down and rolled her over on the bed so that she was on the other side of him and he was looking down at her.

"Oh, what…Adam let me up!" But she saw him smiling down at her and then he kissed her again. She started to struggle but succumbed, surrendered and put her arms around his neck and she kissed him back. She felt his hands move on her, caressing her, his hands running over her and she felt herself open to him, to let him have his way with her. He kissed her neck and she closed her eyes as he slowly unbuttoned the neck of her blouse and followed the now-open neckline with his lips.

Suddenly they heard, "Harrumph!"

Adam turned and Lucy sat up, flushed with embarrassment. Ben was standing there holding a small tray of coffee and two slices of pie.

"Hop Sing sent up some coffee and pie. I'm glad that you're feeling better, Adam."

Lucy scooted off the bed by going over the end near the footboard. She smoothed her skirt down and quickly buttoned the neck of her blouse. Then she reached up and smoothed her hair. Adam sat grinning.

"I don't know if you should leave me alone with Lucy anymore, Pa. She tried to take advantage of an injured man." He touched his sore ribs.

"Did that hurt your ribs, Adam?" she asked.

"Just a little," he answered.

"Good." Lucy turned to Ben. "I'm sorry, Mr. Cartwright. I assure you that it won't happen anymore-I won't be lured into such a position again." She turned to look at Adam who was obviously enjoying the situation. "And as for you, Adam Cartwright, I have a good mind to never come to see you ever again." And she started to leave.

"Lucy," Adam called out. She stopped and turned to look at him. "You will though, won't you? You'll come back."

Lucy gave a cry of exasperation and then huffed out of the room. Adam could hear the heels of her shoes tapping on the wooden stairs.

"Adam," Ben said, "why do you tease her so badly. She's not a girl, she a grown woman"

"I assure you, Pa, I am very aware of that. Very aware." Adam relaxed against the pillows, readjusted the bed covers. "Care to join me in coffee and pie?"

Ben just shook his head and sat down to join his son.

TBC


	14. Part 13

PART 13

Lucy returned to the Ponderosa and Hop Sing answered the door. When Lucy walked in, Adam was sitting, reading _The Count of Monte Cristo_. He stood when he saw it was she.

"Lucy," he said coming toward her, "You did come back. I was hoping I hadn't chased you off."

"All those times before when you chased me off, I always came back. It'll take something worse than a kiss from you to chase me off." Lucy took off her hat and gloves, tossing them on the credenza while Hop Sing took her hacking jacket and hung it up for her.

"Missy Lucy like some tea? Hop Sing make her favorite tea. Have in pantry waiting for you."

"Why thank you, Hop Sing. That would be lovely." He nodded and smiling, went to the kitchen.

"So everyone but me is rewarded with a smile? What'd you do, Lucy, kiss all the horses hello too and leave nothing for me?"

"What would you have, Adam?"

"Ah, Lucy. That's a dangerous question. But since you asked, what I would like is for you to sit a spell and talk to me. I've missed you these past few days. Why I've even had to read to myself and my voice isn't half so lovely to my ears as yours." He saw that she was cautious; she didn't want to be an object of ridicule. "I mean it, Lucy. I've missed you and you must miss me or you wouldn't have returned."

Hop Sing came out with the tea and little wafer cookies. Lucy remembered them from when she was a child. They were almond flavored and practically melted in your mouth, they were so buttery. "Oh, thank you, Hop Sing." He placed the cup and plate on the table and smiling, left. Lucy sat down and Adam moved to sit beside her on the settee, turning so that he could watch her.

"Well, Adam," she said, sipping her tea, "as long as it's not more of your ancestors' Irish blarney, I'll stay awhile."

"I promise. I swear on my life." Adam placed his hand over his heart.

Lucy just sighed; he could be the most charming, annoying man ever but she loved him and so she could forgive him anything. 'For a moment,' she thought, 'I almost believed he was sincere.'

"So, Lucy, how have you been?"

"Fine. I'm glad to see that you're able to get out of bed." She continued to hold her cup and saucer as she reached for a wafer; it kept her hands busy.

"Wait here a minute, Lucy. I hadn't expected you today." He stood up and went upstairs. She waited, wondering why he had left but when he returned, he had a box in his hand and had a broad smile on his face. "For you. Merry Christmas, Lucy." Adam leaned over and kissed her on her cheek.

"Oh, why I …." Lucy looked at Adam but he just continued to grin. "Go ahead. Open it up."

Lucy stared at the wrapped box he had placed in her hands. She carefully unwrapped it and then gently lifted the lid of the box. "Oh, Adam, they're beautiful." She pulled a string of pearls out of the box. They had a slight golden sheen and they seemed to glow from within.

"Here," Adam said, taking the now-empty box from her, "put them on."

Lucy placed the box on the table and with shaking hands, she hooked the strand behind her neck and they fell gently onto her bosom, She ran her hands over them. "I've never seen anything like these."

"They're from the south seas." Adam leaned close to her. "And all the women run around topless, their skirts just pieces of cloth wrapped around them."

Lucy looked at Adam, her mouth open in surprise but she quickly recovered. "Oh, Adam, I don't believe a word you say."

"Will you believe me if I say that you make the pearls all the more beautiful?"

"Well, of course, My vanity requires it but I really can't take such an expensive gift. Really." She reached behind her neck to remove them.

Adam stopped her hands. "No. I want you to have them. Please, Lucy, take them. Keep them as a …token of my affection."

"Your affection? Why, Adam, that's almost civil."

Adam chuckled. "How was your Christmas? Did you have a nice one with your family?" Adam watched her. He had never been at a loss for words with her but suddenly he couldn't think of anything to say or rather, he had too much to say and didn't know where to start.

"Yes, thank you. I had a very nice Christmas. And you and your family? By the way, where is everyone?" Lucy glanced around the room.

"Hoss and Pa went to Joe's for dinner. Polly invited all of us but, well, doctor's orders that I rest. Besides, Polly tires me; she prattles on about nothing special and her cooking isn't as good as Hop Sing's."

"Adam!" Lucy said in surprise. "How can you say such things about your sister-in-law?"

"It's easy to tell the truth. Now tell me the truth. Why didn't you go to the Christmas Ball? You never answered me." He watched her to see if she was going to deceive him-but she didn't.

"I didn't go because no one I cared to go with asked me."

"Who asked you?" Adam looked into the fireplace; he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"Bill Franks and Zeb Thomas. I don't know why you'd want to know."

"I just do. You were engaged to Bill once, weren't you?" Adam didn't want to bring it up, didn't really want to know about her pasts loves but he found himself asking anyway.

"Yes." Lucy began to become uncomfortable. Adam had never broached the subject of her broken engagements and she had never mentioned them; she was surprised he even knew.

"Why did you break it off, Lucy?" Adam turned to look at her.

"He…I had…I didn't want him, at least not in the way that a woman should want a man she is going to marry." Lucy pursed her lips and looked down at her hands. "So now you know."

"What about the other one-the other time you were engaged? Why end that one?"

"You answer a question for me first." Lucy looked sharply at Adam. "Has Gloria Melville been out here to see you since you were hurt?"

"Yes," Adam said, "she has. Why?"

"Were you glad to see her?'

"Yes," Adam said, "I suppose so." Suddenly Adam knew why she was asking-for the same reason he was asking about her engagements. "But not as happy as I am to see you. Now you answer me. Why break off the second engagement?"

"I just…I cared for him. I cared for him a great deal. He was kind, handsome, well-off and he loved me but I couldn't quite love him back." As much as she tried to prevent it, a few tears started. She wiped them away as they rolled down her cheeks.

"All right, Lucy," Adam said, putting his arm around her. "I won't ask you about him." And Adam felt jealousy seized him; she had loved her fiancé. Adam knew then that he wasn't the only one for whom Lucy cared, the only one to whom she had even partially opened her heart. He murmured his apology as he held her. "I'm sorry, Lucy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sorry."

Hop Sing came out of the kitchen and stood behind the settee. He was dressed to leave in his quilted coat. Adam looked up and saw him; Hop Sing looked disapprovingly at him.

"What Mistah Adam do to make Missy Lucy cry?' Hop Sing wagged his finger at Adam.

Lucy sat up, wiping the tears off her cheeks. "Nothing, Hop Sing. He didn't do anything."

"See, I'm vindicated," Adam said.

Hop Sing still scowled. "Missy Lucy come to town with Hop Sing. Not stay alone here with Mistah Adam. Not right."

"Now wait just a minute here. Since when did you become the head of the household? I know you've always thought you were but think again."

Hop Sing had gone to get Lucy's jacket and hat and returned to stand behind the settee again.

"I know you, Mistah Adam. I know you from small boy. Lucy not stay alone with you. Missy Lucy," Hop Sing said, "You come now. You go back to town now. Hop Sing ride with you."

"What the…" Adam couldn't even finish his sentence before Lucy stood up.

"He's right, Adam," Lucy said. "I shouldn't be here alone with you." She tried to hide her amusement at the situation of Hop Sing telling Adam what was proper and what wasn't. "It wouldn't be right."

Adam stood up and offered her his handkerchief and Lucy finished wiping her tears. She thanked him and handed it back and Adam tucked it into his pocket. And as Lucy walked around the settee to take her jacket and hat from Hop Sing, he realized that she was really leaving and he had so much that he still wanted to say to her. He rushed around the furniture and took the jacket from Lucy and helped her put it on. "Lucy, I had no ulterior motives, I just wanted to talk about, well…I had always wondered..."

"No ulterior motives? I'm disappointed, Adam." Lucy tried to recover so she made a little joke of it. But Adam still looked concerned.

"Lucy…" Adam wasn't able to finish

"What ul…ulter..what Mistah Adam say? What that mean?" Hop Sing stood looked puzzled.

.

"Oh," Lucy said, turning to him, "it means…"

"Don't tell him. Now he knows how it feels when he goes around yelling in Chinese and we don't understand it." Adam stood facing Hop Sing, both of them with set scowls on their faces.

"Missy Lucy go now-we go."

"C'mon, Lucy, I'll walk you out." Adam took Lucy's arm, giving a supercilious glare to Hop Sing who began to mumble in Chinese as Adam walked Lucy outside, Hop Sing followed; he had already saddled his horse that was waiting tied outside.

Lucy mounted and she and Hop Sing turned their horses to leave. "Adam," Lucy said. "I'm glad that you're feeling better now and I suppose that you don't need me to come by anymore to read to you, do you?" Lucy hoped that Adam wouldn't agree, that he wouldn't say that he did need her anyway. Although she wasn't much for tending to the ill, Lucy had rather liked it when Adam was helpless in bed and she could sit by his side and read to him or watch him as he slept.

Adam held her horse's reins while Hop Sing sat, waiting. "I still need you to stop by-that is if you will. I don't know that I can exist without seeing that pretty, kitten face of yours. Lucy, you will come back, won't you-at least until I can ride again and come see you. Please." Adam looked up at her and she quickly bent down and gave him a quick kiss and without saying anything else, she and Hop Sing rode off.

Adam stood in his shirtsleeves, his hands on his hips watching them ride away, Lucy sitting elegantly on her mount and Hop Sing riding awkwardly-he basically didn't care for horses but had to accept them if he wanted to go any distance-and Adam didn't even notice the piercing cold.

TBC


	15. Part 14

Part 14

It was the Sunday after New Year and Adam was sitting on the front porch wearing his hat and jacket, strumming his guitar, when Lucy rode up. When he saw her, he smiled. He couldn't help but think that she sat a horse well and cut a sharp figure. He put his guitar in his chair but Lucy had already dismounted before he could help her.

"Moving a little slow, aren't you, Adam?" Lucy asked as she tied her horse to the hitching rail by the kitchen.

"Well, it's these darn ribs," Adam said, resting his hand on his ribs. "Still can't get up the wind to rush but don't be offended; according to Doc Martin, I am not to put spur to horse nor…the seat of my pants to any type of conveyance, but you know I'd swim across Lake Tahoe to get to you if need be."

"Yes, I'm sure you would," Lucy said, giving him a side-long glance and a small smile. "And what are you doing sitting on the porch? A little cold for that, don't you think?"

"Well, I'm getting used to cold things-the weather, a woman's heart." He grinned at her and Lucy couldn't help but smile. He could tease her all he wanted as long as he kept his good humor; she could take the teasing he gave her and lauded herself on now coming back with retorts to equal his. She walked beside Adam to the front porch where he offered her a seat. She sat in the rocking chair and he picked up his guitar again and smiled at her.

"I haven't heard you play in years, Adam. Have you gotten any better at it?"

Adam was taken aback at first and then he laughed, taking care with his ribs. "I'm afraid not-I haven't played in years so I'm sure I'm still as bad. I was just picking out some tunes I remember. Dr. Martin said that it might be good therapy for my arm, picking out the chords and all. And since I have to play and you've always been such an appreciative audience, would you like to hear a song or two?"

Lucy smiled, "Actually, yes. I think that would be nice."

"Well, then let's go in-where it's warmer." He held the door for her and he thought how very pretty she was with her rosy cheeks and how pert her hat sat on her auburn hair; the hat was similar to a man's bowler but Adam admired how such a masculine hat only brought out how much of a woman she was-and made him have to resist the urge to kiss her.

When Lucy walked inside, she was overwhelmed with emotion and fought the urge to cry; the smells of the fire place, the redolent odors from the kitchen, the sun streaming through the windows, and the welcoming smiles of Ben and Hoss filled her with joy and reminded her of when she and Joe as children would run through the house and Ben would yell that they were worse than wild Indians.

"Lucy," Ben said, putting his pipe down and going to her. "How nice to see you. You can stay awhile can't you?" Ben kissed her on the check. He also admired how pretty she was and how she brought such beauty into his home.

"Well, Lucy," Hoss said, taking her small hand in both of his, "don't tell me you come to see this no good older brother of mine? "

"Well, actually, I did. And don't ask me why because I can't figure it out myself."

Ben helped Lucy off with her jacket and Adam noticed how she put her left glove in the left pocket and the right one in the right pocket before he hung it up. Then she took off her hat and Ben placed it on the credenza by the door.

"Who here?" Hop Sind said, coming from the kitchen in his headfirst, bow-legged gait.

"It's…" Adam started to say that Lucy was here but never had the chance. As soon as Hop Sing saw who it was, he smiled. As children, Lucy and Joe were always trying to steal cookies, annoying Hop Sing. But along with being Joe's partner in crime, Lucy would give Hop Sing little kisses on his cheek whenever he gave her and Joe special treats, and sometimes, when Joe and Adam were too busy for her and she would wander in the yard like a little ghost, Hop Sing would invite Lucy in and she would watch Hop Sing cook. And Hop Sing would tell her to wash her hands and then let her chop vegetables and teach her Chinese words. They would chatter along, with Lucy telling Hop Sing about things that had happened at school or home and Hop Sing would tell Lucy about things that had happened at the Ponderosa and Hop Sing noticed that whenever he mentioned Adam, Lucy stopped what she was doing and listened intently. Hop Sing knew who had Lucy's heart.

"Miss Lucy," Hop Sing said, "you come to visit worthless Hop Sing or Mistah Adam?"

"Well, I didn't come to see worthless Mistah Adam, I came to see you, Hop Sing." Lucy went to Hop Sing and kissed him on the cheek and he glowed. "How are your knees?"

"Bad," Hop Sing said, his smile fading. "Cold not good for Hop Sing's knees. Make paste with red pepper and put on knees at night. Make better."

"Yeah, and burn your skin 'til you get blisters," Hoss said. Adam chuckled; he had tried Hop Sing's treatment before and it burned like fire but it did make the joint feel better.

"You sit, Miss Lucy," Hop Sing said. "I bring coffee and lucky New Year cookies for you. Lucy not have to steal them anymore." And grinning, Hop Sing went back toward the kitchen but then he stopped and turned. "Miss Lucy stay for dinner?"

"Oh, no, I…"

"Yes, Hop Sing," Adam said, taking Lucy by the arm, "Miss Lucy will stay for dinner-that is if she has any appetite left after listening to me sing and play."

"You really gonna sing, Adam? I ain't heard you sing since you been back," Hoss said.

"Well, Lucy said that she would like to hear a few tunes so I thought I'd oblige. Now you sit right here," Adam said, directing her to the sofa, "and I'll sit here," he said, going to the blue chair flanking the fireplace, "so that I can see your true opinion of my singing and picking."

Ben sat back down in his chair where he had left his pipe and picked it up to finish smoking it. His heart sang; he hadn't seen Adam in such good spirits in a long time and Ben credited Lucy. Hoss was smiling from ear to ear.

"Hoss, come sit by me," Lucy said, patting the space beside her.

"Well, don't mind if I do," Hoss said and he sat beside her and Adam had to smile; Hoss was so big and Lucy so small that it was incongruous.

"Anything special you want to hear, Lucy?' Adam sat, hand poised.

Hop Sing came out with a tray and put it on the table in front of the settee. "Special cookies for today because Miss Lucy staying."

"Thank you, Hop Sing. Adam's going to sing; won't you stay to listen."

"No," Hop Sing said, his expression serious, "Hop Sing have more important things than listen to Mistah Adam scratch out music."

"Hop Sing is not a big fan of the guitar-or my singing. He's thinks he makes better music when he sharpens his knives." And they laughed except for Hop Sing who made a sound of disgust and went back to the kitchen.

"Well?" Adam asked. "Anything special?"

"No, just anything you like, Adam," Lucy said and she sat back leaning against Hoss' arm. He had put his arm on the settee back and Lucy found the welcoming position like an embrace.

"Okay, let's see," Adam said looking pensive. "All right. I'll sing a little shanty we used to sing as we were rigging the ship." He looked down to the guitar and Ben sat forward-he had been on board a ship too; he was familiar with the contents of some of the shanties.

Adam, struck a chord and then started singing and strumming, keeping time by tapping his foot.

"What do you do with a drunken sailor,

What do you do with a drunken sailor,

What do you do with a drunken sailor

Earl-aye in the morning?

Put 'im in the longboat 'til he's sober,

Put 'im in the longboat 'til he's sober…"

Adam continued singing, glancing at Lucy every so often and when he saw her smile and laugh, his heart rose. And then both Hoss and Lucy joined in the choruses and Ben clapped, keeping rhythm.

But when Adam broke out in the lines, "Put 'im in bed with the captain's daughter," Ben almost stopped him; after all, a female was here but then Ben noticed how Adam kept glancing at Lucy and Ben realized that Adam was testing Lucy's reaction-would she feign insult and leave? But she didn't and Ben then sat back and decided to watch the private, unspoken communication between Adam and Lucy.

When Adam finished, the three members of the audience clapped and Adam bowed his head. "Thank you, thank you."

"Hey, Adam, " Hoss said, "play 'Cindy.' You play that real good."

"Oh, yes, Adam. Do play it." Lucy added.

"Ask and ye shall receive." Adam gave Lucy a devilish grin and began the introductory chord.

"You ought to see my Lucy,

She lives a way down south.

And she's so sweet that honey bees

All swarm around her mouth.

Get along home, Lucy, Lucy,

Get along home.

Get along home, Lucy, Lucy,

I'll marry you some day."

Lucy blushed with embarrassment but Hoss laughed and tapped Lucy's shoulder. She looked at Adam and he had that same teasing look he always had when he was trying to get a rise out of her. Lucy set her jaw; she wasn't going to let him get to her today.

"I wish I was an apple,

A hangin' on a tree,

And every time my Lucy passed,

She'd take a bite of me.

Get along home, Lucy, Lucy,

Get along home,

Get along home, Lucy, Lucy,

I'll marry you some day."

He continued for a few more verses and then Adam struck the finishing note and grinned.

"Making up your own lyrics now, I see," Lucy said.

"Well, just to honor you," Adam said. "As a matter of fact, there's a little sea shanty that you might enjoy."

"Adam," Ben said as he tried to keep the smile off his face. "Why don't you play something more appropriate. I know, play 'Shady Grove'."

"Yeah," Hoss said. "I like that one but that is a toe-tapper. Why I just can't sit still to that one. Miss Lucy," Hoss said, turning to her as she sat beside him, "can I have the honor of this dance?"

"Why the pleasure will be all mine," Lucy said, getting up and giving Hoss a little curtsy. Then she put out her arms and Hoss took her in his and he twirled her to the area between the great room and the dining area. Ben sat sideways so that he could watch.

Adam began to strum and sing,

"Peaches in the summertime,

Apples in the fall,

If I can't get the girl I love,

I don't want none at all…"

And Hoss and Lucy danced around the floor and Lucy couldn't help but laugh. She heard Ben clap to the beat and Adam's voice was warm and sweet as honey; she felt it soothe her and when Adam sang the last notes, even Hop Sing who had come out with a platter of roast beef, clapped.

"Thank you, ma'am, for the dance," Hoss said, bowing to her. Then he put out his arm. "Will you join me for dinner?"

Lucy clapped her hands with delight and Adam watched her with Hoss and Adam loved her even more. 'I'm going to marry that girl-and the sooner the better,' he thought. Then he placed the guitar on the far side of the chair, away from the heat of the fireplace, and took his place at the table, both Hoss and Lucy sitting at his right. It puzzled Adam as to why Hop Sing had set the extra place there-and then Adam wondered if Hop Sing wasn't intentionally putting her closer to him so that Adam could see how very beautiful she was. Hop Sing saw more than he revealed and Adam knew that behind Hop Sing's child-like façade was a sharp mind-a keen intellect. And he had been with them long enough that he knew everyone's secrets and could practically read their minds.

Ben sat at supper, amazed at the change in his oldest son. Adam was animated at dinner and Lucy and Hoss also joined in the lively conversation. Ben listened to them and watched Adam; his face so openly spoke of his feelings for Lucy that he was surprised that Lucy didn't throw herself in his arms. But then, Ben thought, since I'm not involved, it's probably easier for me to see it. And finally, dinner was over.

Lucy finally noticed that while they were eating, Hop Sing had lit lamps and that dark was falling quickly. "I have to go," Lucy said, standing up. "I'm sorry to eat and then leave so soon, but it's getting dark and I have to get home."

"Well," Ben said, "why don't you just stay here tonight?"

"Thank you, but I can't. I'm staying at my parents'-I borrowed one of my father's horses-and if I don't get home, they'll worry and he'll come looking for me. I'm surprised he's not here already, determined to drag me back."

"Now, Lucy," Hoss said, "just give me time to saddle Chubb and I'll go with you."

"Oh, Hoss, please, you don't have to. I've been here so many times that I could get from here to home with my eyes closed."

"Now I don't want to hear no more about it. You ain't ridin' all that way in the cold and the dark by yourself. "Sides, if I don't go with you, big brother here will insist on goin' himself and snap one of those ribs again. And," Hoss said in hushed voice, "Adam may try to kiss you and I know you wouldn't want that." Lucy blushed and Ben and Adam laughed and Hoss grabbed his hat and coat and grinning, left for the barn.

Adam bent toward Lucy and whispered next to ear, "I would you know."

"Oh, Adam," Lucy said. "Stop teasing me. I need to thank Hop Sing for dinner." And she left for the kitchen.

"Adam," Ben said, "don't toy with her. She truly cares for you."

"I know, Pa. I know." Adam shifted his stance uncomfortably; he didn't want to talk about Lucy with his father. Adam felt that his thoughts about Lucy were too private and he didn't want to share them with anyone-he wasn't even ready yet to share them with her.

Lucy came back into the room and Ben reached for her jacket. Adam's heart beat faster and he wished that he and Lucy were alone. He would tell her he loved her, wanted her and if, as the song went, he couldn't have the girl he loved, he wanted none at all.

"Lucy," Adam said, taking the jacket from his father. Ben stepped aside and went to his chair to pack his pipe for a post prandial smoke. His evenings mainly consisted of a good plug of tobacco combined with a snifter of brandy.

"What, Adam?" She looked up at him and in her heart of hearts she hoped that he would declare his love for her-he looked as if he would but he stammered a bit and asked if he could see her the next time he was in Virginia City. Lucy replied that as long as she wasn't with a customer, he was most welcome to stop by. She thought she knew what he meant by asking to stop by, that he meant her place, but she didn't want to assume it and then be made to feel a fool by having Adam say that it wasn't what he meant at all..

"Oh, Adam." She was nervous about the question but she had to know. "Mrs. Melville was in the shop the other day-she wanted us to…well, that doesn't matter," Lucy looked down as she pulled on her gloves. "Anyway, I…" She looked up at Adam's face. It was obvious he was confused. "I wanted to know if there was anything…I mean from the way she spoke, she made it sound as if there was something more than friendship between you two and I certainly didn't want to say anything…" Lucy saw Adam's face change and she hurried through the story, changing what she was going to ask. And in her head she was chastising herself for being such a coward and such a liar. "I didn't want to say anything that would make her think that I came here to visit out of anything more than friendship. I wouldn't want to spoil any blossoming relationship that you and she might have."

"Is that why you came, Lucy? Only out of friendship?" Adam was hurt-it seemed to him then that after all this time, Lucy had fallen out of love with him and that he had no one to blame but himself. He stepped back.

"Well, yes. I mean we've known each other a long time…" Lucy saw Adam literally step away from her. His face changed and now she couldn't read his expression at all; it was blank-no raise of the brow, no small grin, no revelation of any emotion except apathy so Lucy knew that he was upset. She had realized from all the time she had spent around Adam that he could shut someone out cold. He would lock his emotions away and the person he shut out would be lost to him forever. So Lucy began to panic and tried to think of something to say but Hoss came in.

"C'mon Miss Lucy, all set to go and it's a cold one tonight."

Lucy was ready to tell Adam that he didn't need to walk her out but he didn't offer. Ben stood up and went to the door and walked with them to the porch and Lucy, looking back after she was mounted, saw Adam standing in the doorway, his expression unreadable to her. She lifted her hand and waved at him and he merely nodded and then, in the rapidly falling darkness, she and Hoss headed for her parents' house.

They rode at a comfortable trot; with night falling, it would be easier for a horse to misstep and stumble and that could be disastrous so they kept to a reasonable pace. Hoss turned to Lucy and she seemed to him as if she was hundreds of miles away.

"Lucy? Lucy?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Hoss. I guess I was lost in thought." She smiled at Hoss. He was, of all the Cartwrights, the kindest, most compassionate of them and Lucy thought how wonderful it would have been had she fallen desperately in love with him and not Adam. Hoss wouldn't leave for years at a time as Adam had. Hoss wouldn't have fallen into an abyss of despair, gone so far into himself that even the angels couldn't reach him; he never would have let himself be in that same position that Adam had almost willed upon himself, to have been in a hopeless love with a married woman that resulted in her death and his near-death. Why, she groaned inwardly, couldn't it have been Hoss?

"Lucy, it ain't none of my business and you can just tell me that, but why do you waste your time on Adam? I mean he's my brother and all and I think he's the smartest man I know but he ain't never had any luck where the heart's involved-he always done made the worst choices. Ain't you spent too much time already chasing after him?"

Lucy looked at Hoss' gentle face. Even in the starlight she could see the compassion in his eyes and she knew that she could tell Hoss anything. "I don't know, Hoss. I don't know what it is about him but…Hoss, I know it's going to sound foolish and the only person I've told this to is Adam, but, Hoss, I just don't know anymore…I've just loved him for so long and he hasn't loved me in return and I want so much for him to love me. I know he cares for me and I think that if I…" She thought about how she should phrase it and looked away into the darkness. "I've tried, Hoss. I tried to fall in love with other men but when it all came down to it, I knew that even married I would long for Adam and that I would never be happy."

"Now, Lucy, you can't know that."

"Yes I can, Hoss. I've loved him ever since I was a young girl, ever since that day when I went home with Little Joe and he said that Adam, his oldest brother, had just returned from college. When he smiled at me-oh, Hoss, he had my heart. He was so beautiful. The most beautiful man I had ever seen and even before I understood what it was that I was feeling, I loved him. And I still do. And what's worse is that it's grown deeper-there's no way I can extricate myself."

I ain't sure what extricate means but I got a good idea. But he just plays with you, Lucy. He don't take you seriously and I like you too much to see him treat you like that. I know that Adam enjoys getting' attention from you-no matter what anyone says, Lucy, everyone wants to be loved, even Adam. But, Lucy, you got to think about yourself."

"I know, Hoss," she said gently and then she stopped; she heard horse's hooves approaching.

Hoss told Lucy to stop and the two of them walked their horses to the side of the road, hiding in the pure darkness beneath the trees. As the rider passed, Lucy called out, "Father!" The rider pulled up his horse.

"Lucy, what are you doing coming home this late?" Mr. Fairmont called into the darkness, recognizing his daughter's voice. He turned his horse and the three of them met in the middle of the road.

"I was bringin' her home, Mr. Fairmont."

"I stayed for dinner at the Cartwrights' and it became dark before I knew it. I'm sorry, father."

"Well, you can apologize to your mother as well. She's been frantic since you weren't back to the house before dark-running off to the Ponderosa to see Adam Cartwright. I would think that by now, at your age that you wouldn't cheapen yourself by…"

"Now, Mr. Fairmont," Hoss said, "I don't think that Lucy been actin'..."

"It's okay, Hoss," Lucy said. "Thank you for riding with me but I'll go the rest of the way with my father. And thank everyone again for the evening. I had so much fun-the best time I've had in a long time." Lucy smiled at him.

"The pleasure was all ours and thanks again for that twirl on the dance floor."

Lucy laughed and they parted and Hoss could hear Lucy's father ask, "Now what's this about a dance?"

TBC


	16. Part 15

PART 15

Adam walked over to the credenza, Picked up his gun belt and buckled it on.

"You going somewhere?" Bern asked. He was just now reading the "Territorial Enterprise" even though Hoss had brought it from town that morning.

"I thought I'd go into town," Adam said, "you know…stop by the Sazarac, see some people I haven't seen in a while."

"Dr. Martin hasn't cleared you yet for riding. With that lung having been punctured and your ribs and such, I'd think…"

"Pa, I think I would know when I'm ready," Adam said shrugging on his jacket and then putting on his Stetson. "I'm going into town. I've been doing some light work around herefor a while now and I'm fine." He walked over to the chair in which he usually sat and picked up his guitar that was leaning against the chair. Then he walked back over to the credenza and pulled a strap out of a drawer, hooked it to the guitar and slung it over his shoulder.

"You giving a concert at the Sazarac, Adam? Looking to woo one of the girls who works there?" Ben asked with a slight smile. Although he was concerned with Adam injuring himself again, he well understood Adam's restlessness; he hadn't been off the Ponderosa in almost two months-and Lucy hadn't been by in two weeks. The snow was almost melted but that made the roads slick and Ben was more worried about Adam's horse slipping in the mud and falling on him then the motion of the riding hurting his ribs.

"Very funny, Pa," Adam said giving his father a snide look. Adam was just about to reach for the door when a knock came from the other side. Adam looked at his father. "Expecting anyone?"

"No, can't say I am." Ben put down his paper and stood up as Adam opened the door.

Adam recognized them; they were the two hands that he and Will had hired over two months ago to help spruce up the Running D and to help with the few hundred head of cattle Will and Laura had. "Come in," Adam said. The men stepped inside. "What can we do for you? Is everything okay over at the Running D?"

The two men looked at one another and then the one named Putnam spoke. "Mrs. Cartwright told us that she can't pay us for the last two weeks and she sent us over here to see if you'd pay us. We tried to hold out but we need to find good, steady work so we had to tell her that we were leaving. She couldn't make up our reckoning so she sent us over here to ask to be paid."

"Oh," Ben said, "I see. Step over here and I'll pay you."

"We don't like havin' to do this, Mr. Cartwright," Putnam said, "beggin' you to pay us, but we ain't got no other choice."

"It's all right," Ben said. "They're family at the Running D." He went over to the bottom of the bookcase and began to unlock it.

"Well, since your business is with my father," Adam said, "I'll just be…"

The other man, Hayes turned to Adam and said, "Oh, Mrs. Cartwright asked for us to ask you if you could ride out and see her. She seemed mighty upset-I thought she was gonna cry. But then I'd be cryin' too if I was a woman and my husband hadn't been home for two days leaving me with all those squallin' younguns."

"Oh, hell," Adam said. The two men went over to Ben and Adam stood at the door. Will hadn't been home for two days and now Laura wanted to see him and all that Adam wanted to do was go into town and see Lucy. He fought with himself, trying to decide what to do. Laura always exhausted him, emotionally drained him. She was so needy and depended on him to always put things right for her. And initially, years ago when they were to be married, he had enjoyed her dependence on him, her need for him but now, now that years had passed and she was married, he began to try to avoid interactions, hence, the hiring of Hayes and Putnam to complete the work at the Running D that he and Hoss had started. And he wished now that he could pay someone to step in for him. If Hoss were home, he would have Hoss go with him but he wasn't and Adam realized that he had to face this himself; he had always told Laura that he still cared deeply for her and if she ever needed him, to call him. And she had and he did.

Adam stood his guitar in the corner by the door and calling to his father, he told him that he was going over to the Running D and didn't know when he'd be back.

"Adam," Ben said, coming around his desk. "Take care. It'll be dark shortly and the streams are flooding and there's that slick mud everywhere. And also, bring Will here if things, well, if things are such that he doesn't want-if he hasn't taken off for somewhere."

"I will, Pa, and don't worry, I'll be careful-I promise. I spent five years at sea, remember, and I think I can take care of myself."

"Well, if that was true, you wouldn't have had that fractured arm and punctured lung now, would you?"

Adam just shook his head. He wanted to tell his father to just back away-to leave him alone but kept his tongue and his temper in check. "Well, I'm going and I'll let you know about Will."

Adam had earlier saddled his horse so he checked the cinch and then mounted; he had to admit that the thought of comforting a weeping Laura was enough to make him take off in the opposite direction of the Running D, but if Will had left and wasn't dead, Adam considered pounding him into the good old mud that oozed everywhere.

When Adam rode up to Laura's house, only a few lamps inside were lit; the house looked sad and lonely. As he hitched up Sport, the front door opened and Peggy stood for a few seconds and then ran down the steps and into Adam's arms. Laura came after her and stood in the doorway, watching Adam pick up her daughter and swing her around once before depositing her back on the ground.

"It's cold out here, Missy. What are you doing running out here in only that dress?"

"Oh, Adam," Peggy said, "Will hasn't been home for days and Mother's been crying and it's been awful." She held onto Adam's hand as the approached the house.

"Peggy, that's enough," Laura said. "Now go upstairs and get the boys ready for bed. I need to talk to Adam"

"Why do I have to do that? " Peggy asked, stomping up the porch stairs and facing her mother at the door. "I'm not their mother you are."

Laura's frustration was reflected in her controlled voice. "I swear, Peggy, if you back-sass me one more time, I'll slap your mouth right off your face. Now do as I told you!" Her face was stiff with anger.

Adam watched while Peggy glowered at her mother and then slipped past her and into the house.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, Adam," Laura said. "Come in-please." Laura stepped aside and Adam walked in, still holding his hat. "Sit down, Adam. Take off your jacket. I made some coffee. I'll go get us some." But she paused for a moment. "And I'm sorry-and ashamed- that I had to send the two hands over to you to be paid-I didn't know what else to do."

"It's nothing, Laura. You're a Cartwright and you have every right to ask."

"Funny," Laura said, "I never feel as if I am. I suppose because Will never does. I've mentioned it to him but he doesn't feel as if you are all his family. I think maybe Will has problems with relating to people-maybe that's why he was always moving around."

Adam had never known Laura to be overly-introspective because she usually avoided things that might cause her discomfort and he wondered how much it had taken for her to examine her marriage; she wasn't a young frightened bride anymore as she had been with Frank Dayton. Laura went on to the kitchen.

Adam looked around. This could have been his home if he had married her and moved in. It had been a warm room but lately, the fraying arms of the sofa and the threadbare weave of the rug from all the shoes that had walked over it made it seem a weary place but he sat down and put his hat on the sofa beside him.

Laura came out and placed the tray of coffee on a side table, handing Adam his, the cup clattering on the saucer.

"Thank you, Laura. You always made good coffee."

"Is that all you can think to say, Adam? That I make good coffee." Laura sat stiffly in a side chair.

"No. But I was going to wait until you brought up the subject. What's this about Will being gone?"

Laura sat and sipped her coffee calmly. "He left about two days ago-he said that he was going to town and he never returned."

"Did he pack anything, a satchel, a bedroll?" Adam was trying to determine if Will had planned to leave or if he was the victim of an accident.

"No," Laura said, "why would he need a bedroll to stay with Gloria Melville?"

Adam's mouth fell open. "What?"

"Oh, I suppose that none of you have been to town the last few days." Laura put her cup and saucer on the tray and began to pace. Adam watched her go back and forth, wringing her hands.

"No," Adam said. "We haven't been in town-none of us; we've been busy at the Ponderosa and only tonight I decided that I was going to…well, never mind all that. We haven't been in town. Why?"

Laura turned to face him. "Because everyone knows that Will is staying with her. He left me and our children for her and her two children. Our ranch hands heard the gossip in town and let me know why he hadn't been home. I had been worried sick and now I don't know how to feel except to hate him. How could he, Adam?" and then Laura began to quietly cry.

Adam sighed. He knew what he would have to do. So he stood up and comforted Laura. He tried to console her by telling her that he would go into town and see if the rumor was true, and that if Will was with Gloria, he would bring him home, that is, if Laura wanted him home anymore.

"Yes, I do want him home, Adam." She said through her tears. "We have four children and, Adam, I'm with child again."

Adam gave a sigh of resignation . He understood Will. Each child became another anchor on Will and with each child, Laura became coarser and thicker and more shrill and the children kept on coming. But then, Adam thought, Laura didn't conceive the children herself and Will needs to face his responsibilities like a man.

"Okay, Laura, I'll go," Adam said softly.

"Now, Adam? Will you go now?" Laura wiped her eyes with a hanky she had tucked up her sleeve.

"Yes. I'll go now." Adam picked up his hat; he had never removed his jacket.

"Adam," Laura said, "if Will won't return, you and your family help me around here, won't you? I mean around the ranch? And Adam, I know you said that you always would love me and I think that there will always be something between us-and, Adam, I think, well, if I had better sense…" She smiled softly. "Never mind. Thank you for any help."

Adam didn't know what to say so he just said, "I'll go get Will," and left to leave. Laura stood in the open doorway watching him and Adam waved goodbye and rode off. He had no idea how he was going to handle the situation but he was definitely going to have Will return home even if Adam had to tie Will to the back of his horse and drag him all the way home.

TBC


	17. Part 16

**A guest reviewer had a question and since I can't respond to them in a PM, let me do so here. The reviewer wanted to know if Adam had been operated on for his broken rib, etc., suggesting he would be dead if the doctor had not done so.**

**I didn't go into details of Adam's treatment, recovery, etc., because I felt the story was maybe too long as it was and that the details would not be important or even boring. Instead, I compressed time and pushed the story forward a few months (when Adam is sitting on the porch it's a few months later.) Therefore, one can conclude that Adam received whatever treatment was needed and available in the 1800's.**

**Part 16**

Adam stopped in front of Gloria Melville's house and knocked. He could hear the sound of children's voices and then the door knob turned and Gloria stood in front of him as lovely as ever. Adam removed his hat.

"Adam," she said, "what are you doing here?" She appeared flustered and embarrassed.

"May I come in?" Adam asked.

"Well, I, um…"

"It's all right, Gloria." Will came to the front door followed by the two children. "I have a feeling that Adam already knows I'm here. Hello, Adam. Did you come to talk to me?"

"Hello, Will," Adam said, with a knowing grin, "but actually, I came to talk to Gloria."

"Did Laura send you?" Will asked.

"Yes," Adam said, "she did."

Will looked to Gloria who didn't know what to say; she hadn't expected Adam to show up at her front door.

"Come in then," Gloria said, and Adam entered. "Why don't we go into the kitchen and talk, Adam. We'll have more privacy?"

"It's all right, Gloria, you two can stay out here," Will said. "I'll take Danny and Brenda and put them to bed."

"Will you read us a story, Will?" Brenda asked.

"Whatever story you want," Will responded and picked up Danny while Brenda danced along beside him.

Adam raised his brows at Gloria and pursed his lips.

"Don't give me that disapproving look, Adam Cartwright-you're no saint and in no position to judge me." Gloria sat down and Adam took the chair opposite her. "And if he weren't a Cartwright, would you even be here?"

"Probably not, but he is a Cartwright and I am here and I would like to know why you set your cap for Will? He has four children with another on the way. Did you know that?"

"Yes, he told me." Gloria held her head up; she wouldn't let Adam intimidate her. "Ever since we met, we took to each other and then that night we had dinner at the Ponderosa, well we found we had quite a bit in common."

"What? Children?'

"No," Gloria said angriliy. "He's been visiting when he's in town and we just…well, we fell in love."

"Did you, now?" Adam sat and waited.

Gloria stood up and started pacing back and forth. Then she stopped and faced him and almost in a hiss, she said. "What do you want from me, Adam. What do you expect me to do?"

"I expect you to send him home to his family and wife. Have you actually thought about what you're doing? What do you expect to happen? That Will's going to divorce Laura somehow and then you and he are going to live happily in the ever after? What about when another woman decides that she wants a Cartwright and sets her sights on Will? What then, Gloria? Won't he be dragged away from you just as easily?"

She turned and glared at Adam "What am I to do? I actually thought it would be you, Adam. I thought that you cared for me-you did when we were younger, but you didn't do anything about it then or now-never came calling, never came to church just to see me or spend time with me and my children. I asked you over, invited you in but you never took me up on it. And then of all things, I heard that you actually care for that little shop girl, that Lucy…what's her name. A shop girl! A little nothing! You'd rather have her than me? I went out to the Ponderosa to see you after your accident, I tried to show you that I was concerned, that I cared about you but you were just polite to me-but her? I heard what people are saying, how her mother had complained about her daughter running off to see you all the time when she was a child and now she's doing the same thing-and that you love it. I mean really, Adam! "

Adam looked up at Gloria. "Don't say anything about Lucy. Don't even speak her name, do you understand?"

Gloria stepped back; even though Adam was sitting; she recognized the tone of his voice and she told herself that she had gone too far, she needed to change tactics. "I need a husband and a father for my children-and I hoped that it would be you as I said, but one Cartwright is as good as another when it comes to…"

Will stepped into the room. "So you settled for me since Adam didn't want you?"

Gloria swung around. "Oh, Will…"

"So I'm merely the substitute Cartwright. Is that what you're saying? That I may not be one of the originals, but good enough if one of them, particularly Adam, can't be roped and tied."

"No, Will," Gloria said, her voice becoming soft and warm. "What I meant was that since I knew Adam before and we had been seeing each other, I thought that if I was going to marry again, well, it would be him that I would marry. But then I met you and I fell in love with you. It's nice that you're from a respectable family, that's all. I always wanted my children to know the security of a big family."

"Well, they'd have enough half-brothers," Adam said.

Gloria turned on him. "YOU stay out of this, Adam. This is none of your business!"

"But as I explained before, it is. You don't listen to anything you don't want to hear, do you?"

"Get out, Adam, Get out of my house." She stood shaking with rage. Adam was so smug and clever but what made her the angriest is that in spite of all that, she still desired him, still wished that it had been Adam who had been coming to house at night and sharing her bed. Adam who said that he loved her and that he would be with her always. But it wasn't and so she cursed to herself and was filled with jealousy and envy of the little shop girl that Adam Cartwright was secretly said to pine for, to want and desire. And the thought of Adam and Lucy together, of his mouth on hers and his hands caressing her small waist and then her thighs and breasts drove her mad with hate for Lucy. Were they men, she would have called Lucy out into the street and shot her down like a rabid dog.

"Whatever you say," Adam said, standing up and picking up his hat and putting it back on.

"Wait, Adam," Will said, grabbing his jacket and hat of the coat rack by the door. "I'll go with you."

Gloria hadn't expected this. "Will, you can't mean that. Is this just because Adam's here. You didn't hear the whole conversation. Stay and I'll explain the whole thing."

"I've heard enough, Gloria. I don't need to hear more to know what you really wanted." Then he and Adam walked out of Gloria's house, closing the door behind them.

"Will," Adam said. "I think you made the right choice but I hope Laura forgives you. This is the same thing Frank did to her and I don't even know if I wouldn't wandered had I married her, but damn, Will, you have four children and another on the way."

"I know, Adam. I guess I just felt overwhelmed and Gloria is so beautiful and was so loving and… I guess I just saw it as an easy way out of all my troubles."

"I wish you luck and I could use a little of my own. Be careful riding home and practice dodging frying pans-I hear they can leave a real goose egg. "Adam smiled at Will.

"Wait," Will said, "You're not going to leave me?"

"I have a little sweet thing of my own to see. Well, hope to see."

"So it's true about you and the girl in the hat shop." Will scrutinized Adam. He was a nice looking man-except for the scar, but Will knew that he himself was handsome too. Women had always been won over by his smooth charm and that was the one thing that Will felt Adam lacked-smoothness. But then that required a touch of duplicity and Adam didn't have that quality.

Adam grinned. "Yeah, it's true. I've known her since she was about ten years old, a little tomboy, running around with Joe, tagging along behind me, talking my ear off. And I always thought that she was a pest and I used to send her home, run her off every chance I had-but she always came back, at least as long as she could. And she was the loveliest thing with her braids coming undone and her hair falling around her face and those beautiful eyes-she looked at me with such open adoration that I'd get embarrassed."

"She still that pretty? Will asked. He envied Adam such feelings.

"Prettier," Adam said. "So you see, Will, if I'm going to see her, I have to go before it's too late. I don't think she'd let me in after eight o'clock and it's almost that now."

"I think it's past that," Will said. "Please, Adam. I really need your support in this-I don't know what to say when I see Laura. I just…I'm afraid, Adam. I've been such a jackass."

Adam sat. He wanted to help Will-he was family, after all and family stuck together. But then there was Lucy and all he could think of was the last time he was at her place and she offered herself to him-and he refused to take her. He was sure that opportunity wouldn't arise again but nevertheless, he did want to see her, to hear her voice and kiss her again. But then it was late, thanks to the situation in which Will had mired himself, and Adam felt that Lucy wouldn't let him in this time of night. So he sighed deeply and said, "All right, let's go."

Part 16

They rode in silence. The moon had come out and the road was easier to see, the horses stepped easier but they still made poor time. They were almost to the Running D when Will turned to Adam and asked if he held any ill-will against him for marrying Laura, for "taking" her heart away.

Adam was taken aback; he hadn't expected it. "No, I don't hold anything against you, not either of you. Actually, I wonder if I were married to Laura what I would do if Lucy danced into my life. Would I lust after Lucy, want her or would I feel differently being married. I just wonder."

"I assure you," Will said, "you'd still lust after Lucy. Matter of fact, if she's as sweet and pretty as you say, well, I just might look her way myself."

Adam couldn't decide if Will was kidding or serious. But then Will turned to him and laughed. "Had you worried there a bit, didn't I?"

"Yeah," Adam replied, "worried about how I could find a place in this mud to bury your body so it couldn't ever be found."

Will paused, then laughed and Adam relaxed. He worried that maybe he could be bested by Will if Will set his sights on Lucy.

"I tell you," Will said, "Being married to Laura isn't easy. Everything I say is wrong, everything I do is wrong. I'm incompetent at running a ranch-I wasn't made out to be a rancher-but damn, she points it out to me every chance she gets. There is not one thing that I've done properly since we were first married, according to her. I couldn't even perform properly on our wedding night. You're damn lucky that I stepped in and took the bullet for you, Adam."

"Couldn't be that bad?"

"Actually, worse. I could tell you things Adam…"

"Don't-I don't want to know." They rode up to the house and since no one came to greet them, Adam assumed all the children were in bed. "Well, I got you here, Will. Now you're on your own." Adam looked up at the sky; he figured that it was a bit past ten; he should just go home and get a good night's sleep. Besides, his side was aching. He hoped that he hadn't re-injured his ribs. He would see Lucy tomorrow.

"Come in, Adam-just for a few minutes. Please?" Will stood holding his horse's reins, pleading with Adam to come inside with him.

"Damn, Will. What can I do?" Adam didn't want to spend any more time with this domestic issue, especially since it didn't even involve him. "Okay," Adam said, dismounting, "but just a few minutes."

The two men walked in and Laura was sitting in a chair next to the fire, darning. She looked up and then went back to her darning. "I hope that I can get some more use out of these clothes for the new baby coming." Then she looked up at them. "Do you believe, Adam, that a man would actually leave his pregnant wife and four children to go running off with another woman?"

Adam and Will looked at one another. Adam said nothing. Then Will spoke. "I'm going to go check the children. I won't be long." Will went up the stairs.

Once Will was out of earshot, Laura said with a look of relief, "Thank, you, Adam."

"You're welcome. Now I have to go. I have a big day tomorrow." Adam put his hat on.

"But, Adam," Laura said, "aren't you going to stay? At least a while, please?"

Adam faced Laura. "Look, Laura, I brought your husband back home-now it's your job to keep him here." And Adam walked out the front door, a wave of relief flowing over him.

When Adam arrived home, his father was waiting, deeply relieved that Adam was back unscathed, so over a pot of late night coffee, Adam related all the night's events and Ben just shook his head in amazement.

"I just can't believe it, Adam. I can't," Ben said.

"Well, it's true." Adam stood up and stretched but stopped himself when he felt the pull on his ribcage. He was tired; dealing with the overwhelming emotions of others wore him down. "I'm off to bed, Pa. I need a good night's sleep. You turnin' in?"

"No, but I'll be up in a while," Ben replied.

So Adam went upstairs passing Hoss' room and its sound of deep snoring. Adam smiled. He knew how he father must feel when his two sons were home and safe asleep; he felt that way himself.

Hoss bellowed out to the kitchen, "Hop Sing, why ain't breakfast ready? What're you think we're payin' you for?"

Hop Sing stepped out of the kitchen with a platter full of hotcakes. "Yell, yell, yell. Mistah Ben yell, Mistah Hoss yell. If Mistah Adam yell, Hop Sing quit."

"Don't worry, Hop Sing," Adam said, stabbing himself some hotcakes, "I have no grievance with you." Then he turned his attention to Hoss. "Hey Hoss, leave some of that maple syrup for the rest of us, would you?"

Hoss was about to respond when the door flew open and Joe came in grinning. "I smelled hot cakes all the way outside-and hot coffee. I see I'm just in time for breakfast."

"Go wash your hands first, Joe," Ben said.

Adam grinned and shook his head and Hoss smiled while eating a forkful of hot cakes; it was just like their father to always see them as children.

"Pa," Joe said, "I'll be eating hotcakes-with a knife and fork, not picking them up with a ham-fist and shoving them down my gullet like Hoss."

"Joe," Ben said calmly, "wash your hands first."

Joe sighed in exasperation, tossed his hat horizontally so that it landed on the settee and went into the kitchen to wash his hands and get a plate and silverware. From the dining area, they could hear Hop Sing welcome Joe and Adam smiled; Hop Sing also thought of all of them as children. After all, it had been Hop Sing who had insisted that Lucy not stay alone with him. Hop Sing knew him better than even his own father did.

When Joe returned, Hoss asked, "What are you so happy about? Don't tell me that you've missed Hop Sing's hotcakes that much?"

"Maybe," Adam said, "Polly doesn't feed him hoping if there's no food, he'll go away."

"You know, Adam," Hoss said, wagging his fork, "I think you may just be right. How long they been married now?"

"Why I do believe it's been, what, four months-and I thought Polly would throw him out after two weeks. What do you know?"

"I have news for you. For all of you." Joe sat grinning.

Hoss and Adam looked at one another. "Well?" Adam said, "We're waiting."

"There's going to be another Cartwright soon."

At first, Adam wondered how Joe had heard that Will and Laura were going to be parents again but then he realized that it was Joe and Polly-and that he would be an uncle and that there would be another Cartwright to extend the line.

Hoss jumped up and went around the table and he pulled Joe out of his chair and hugged him, lifting Joe off the floor. Ben slapped Joe on the back and Adam shook his hand, then pulled Joe to him and hugged him. "Congratulations, Joe. I didn't think she'd ever let you get that close to her but I guess there's no accounting for tastes."

"Hey, Hop Sing," Hoss yelled, "come out here!"

Hop Sing came out, his brow furrowed. "Make more hotcakes now, Mistah Hoss. You wait."

"No, no," Ben said. "I'm going to be a grandfather, Hop Sing." Ben put his arm around Hop Sing and at the news, Hop Sing broke into a wide smile. "And I think that on such a beautiful morning, we should toast life, new life, so Hop Sing, sit down with us and let's all have toast with the best whiskey I have-Tennessee whiskey."

"Yes, Mistah Ben, Hop Sing very glad today. Very glad that Little Joe announce good news." And so all five of them sat down and toasted the next generation of Cartwrights to come-all of them. They toasted to the future.

"Well, now that I done been fed, entertained and have a whole lot of ribbing to hand out to Joe all day, let's get going brothers. It's gonna be an early spring."

Joe and Hoss stood up to go but Adam remained seated.

"Ain't you comin'?" Hoss asked.

"Well, you know," Adam said, "I've been doing an awful lot of work lately-more than I'm sure that the doctor would allow, and then there's my ribs. You know, I'd hate to do damage to them again so I might just stay around here for a while, you know, rest my bones, maybe take a nap-just so that I can get my strength up for spring roundup." Adam continued to sip his coffee and Ben smiled, watching the three of them.

"Oh, really, oldest brother. Let's see how much or how little you can do. C'mon, stand up and let's hand wrestle. C'mon."

"No, Joe," Adam said, with a hyperbolic grimace, "my ribs hurt just thinking about it." He pressed his palm against his side. "I sure will miss the bonhomie and the work but, well, it's a sacrifice I'll just have to make."

"Sacrifice, my ass," Hoss said. "C'mon. Joe. Let's go." Hoss put on his jacket and hat and then he turned back to Adam. "We'll be sure to leave some work for you." Adam grinned. "Wouldn't want to rob you of the joy and satisfaction of a full day's work tomorrow." And Hoss and Joe left, closing the door behind them.

"That was just to get out of work today, wasn't it?" Ben asked. He was sure that the description of Adam's misery was exaggeration, but he needed to make sure.

"Yes." Adam said, standing up. "I have some vital business I need to take care of today before the window of opportunity closes."

"What kind of business?" Ben asked.

"My business," Adam replied. "The business of my life. It's as if it's spring already, Pa. Can't you smell it in the air? Spring is a time of renewal and I don't want to sound blasphemous but it's as if I've been born again-Pa, I really want to enjoy every moment that I have left with the people I care about and only one person is missing." Adam walked away and then stopped and turned. "Pa, thanks for putting up with me these past few months. I'm sure it wasn't easy." And then he went out to the barn to saddle Sport; he wanted to be finished with the dirty work before he changed into his Sunday best and left.

Ben was gone when Adam came downstairs dressed in his suit and tie,, much to his relief; he didn't want to field any more questions from his father. So Adam rode into town, his guitar slung over his shoulder by the strap. First, he stopped at Sampson's Mercantile and bought a large box of chocolates.

"Well, Adam," Mr. Sampson said, "You buying that box of candy for anyone special? Some woman you've been courting perhaps? I notice that you're all slicked up in your Sunday-go-to-meetin' clothes."

"Perhaps," Adam said with a small grin and paid for the candy. Adam decided that Polly hadn't told her parents yet the news about her being with child so Adam chose not to say anything.

"Oh, Adam," Mr. Sampson said leaning in to speak confidentially, "I heard that your cousin Will has moved in with Mrs. Melville. Does your father know about that?"

"I don't know anything about that rumor and I'm sure he doesn't either," Adam said. "The only thing I know is that when I was over at the Running D last night, Will was there with Laura." Adam told himself that it really wasn't much of a lie-Will was family and Adam felt defensive about him. So Adam left the mercantile and was walking over to Madame Millais' hat shop when Roy Coffee called out to him. Adam took a deep sigh and turned around.

"Well, well, well," Roy said with a mischievous grin. "What are you all gussied up for? If I didn't know better, I'd say that you were off to go courtin'. You've got your guitar and what's that? Candy?"

Adam chose to ignore him "What do you want, Roy?"

"Just let me get a gander at you for a few minutes longer 'cause you sure are pretty."

"Roy," Adam said, "I haven't time for this. What do you want?"

"Well, got a telegram from some place in Montana-I forget-and thy have Jakes and Bellows in jail up there. Seems that they shot a man down in the town and the sheriff there said that they're also wanted in Utah for bank robbery. You want to press charges?"

Adam thought for a few seconds. "No, Roy, I don't want to press charges. Matter of fact, I may just have them to thank for changing my life."

"What?" Roy stood, looking puzzled.

"Never mind, Roy," Adam said, patting him on the arm. "Oh, I almost forgot. Will you be in town all day?'

"S'far as I know."

"Good." Adam smiled as he continued heading to Madame Millais' hat shop, humming to himself.

Adam stood in front of the shop, looking in the window and saw both Lucy and Madame helping about five women try on hats; the customers too must have been affected by the unusually warm weather and the earlier than normal spring thaw because the hats they were trying on were straw or felt with tulle and flowers and ribbons; not the darker, dour colors associated with their winter attire.

Adam smiled when he saw Lucy; he thought that she was so lovely that his heart would break as it did on hearing a beautiful piece of music or seeing a magnificent work of art. "Yes," he thought, "Lucy is sublime."

Adam entered the shop and at the jangling of the bell over the door, all the women looked. Lucy's face turned white as Adam smiled at her and took off his hat.

TBC


	18. Part 17

Part 17

"Why, Monsieur Cartwright," Madame Millais said as she welcomed him. "You look so very-what is the word,-in French it is beau, charmant et beau."

"Why thank you," Adam said, "and may I saw that you certainly look…tres belle."

"You are quite the flatterer, Monsieur…but it is much appreciated." She smiled broadly at the handsome man who had just complimented her; he made her feel young and desirable. "Now, how may I help you?"

"Well," Adam said, "I have a small favor to ask of you. Over here a moment, please," Adam said, taking Madame Millais by the hand.

"You have only to ask," she said and let him lead her to the front of the store. Lucy strained to hear what they were saying and all the other women in the shop trying on hats had stopped their chattering and were trying to hear the conversation. A few had looked to one another but they merely shrugged in response to the questioning looks; no one but Lucy had an idea as to why Adam Cartwright was in a hat shop, before noon, in his best clothes with a guitar and a box of candy and as far as Lucy was concerned, he was up to no good.

Lucy watched while Adam talked to Madame Millais. 'Hm!' Lucy thought, 'Butter doesn't melt in his mouth. I wonder what cockamamie story he's telling her.' But she didn't have long to wait. Madame walked back to the women and smiled at Lucy and then Adam walked closer to her.

"Here, Lucy," Adam said, handing her the box of chocolates. "Sweets to the sweet."

"I know the context in which that's said-it rather ruins any romantic connotation, doesn't it?" Lucy said. "And why are you giving me candy? It's not my birthday."

"Oh, Lucy, don't ruin it. Can't you just be gracious and say, thank you?" Adam felt frustrated; it was just like Lucy to thwart his efforts to be romantic.

"All right," She said, "thank you, but you still haven't answered my question." She realized that the only voices in the shop were hers and Adam's.

"Well, it should be obvious; I'm courting you, Lucy. I have on my best duds to impress you, I brought you a box expensive candy and I would have brought you some flowers too but this time of year, well, there aren't any. It wasn't an intentional oversight, just couldn't be helped. And I brought my guitar to serenade you." Adam grinned at her.

Lucy lowered her voice. "You came to court me while I'm trying to do my job?"

"Oh, I asked Madame Millais if I could court you here and she said it was fine. Actually, what she said was that she was delighted. So just sit right there and I'll start."

Lucy looked around and the women went back to their business but Lucy was sure that they were watching in the mirrors.

"Aren't you going to sit down?" Adam asked, one foot on a chair, the guitar balanced in his arms and his hand poised to play.

"No, I'm not. I have work to do," and Lucy walked away and went back to help Mrs. Harrison.

"Suit yourself," Adam said. He began to sing and Lucy tried to talk over him but Mrs. Harrison shushed her; she was listening to Adam sing. Lucy began feeling foolish but the other women turned to watch as Adam's deep baritone serenaded all of them.

"Alas, my love, you do me wrong,  
To cast me off discourteously.  
For I have loved you well and long,  
Delighting in your company.

Greensleeves was all my joy  
Greensleeves was my delight,  
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,  
And who but my lady greensleeves.

Your vows you've broken, like my heart,  
Oh, why did you so enrapture me?  
Now I remain in a world apart  
But my heart remains in captivity…"

And when Adam completed the song, the women all clapped. Adam smiled at them and thanked them. To the women in the shop, it was as if he was singing words of love to each of them-their hearts longed for romance and love, and in Virginia City that night, there would be a few husbands who would be chastised by their wives for not being romantic enough and the men wouldn't know why their wives were turning their backs to them in bed.

"Would you like another song, Lucy?" Adam asked, smiling broadly.

"No," Lucy said. She noticed that people had gathered outside in front of the large window of Madame's shop. Watching a man play a guitar in a hat shop, and it being Adam Cartwright at that, was the most unusual thing they had seen. Lucy quietly but sternly said to him, "Go away, Adam"

"But I'm not through." Adam pulled off the guitar strap, placed it on the counter and stood before her. "I have poetry to recite to you. What's a courtship without poetry?" He cleared his throat and in his deep voice he dramatically recited,

"My love is like to ice, and I to fire;

How comes it then that this her cold so great

Is not dissolved through my so hot desire,

But harder grows the more I her entreat?

Or how comes it that my exceeding heat

Is not delayed by her heart frozen cold,

But that I burn much more in boiling sweat…"

"Stop, Adam, just stop!" Lucy cried. "This isn't funny."

"I'm not trying to be funny," Adam said seriously, his grin completely gone now. "I want to marry you, Lucy, and I don't have time to waste. So I'm trying to court you-to behave as I should because, as Marvell said, '…at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.' Marry me, Lucy. If you want me down on my knees, I'll go down on my knees, but marry me. You're vital to my life-I don't want to go on without you and if you still care anything for me, then marry me. Say you will, please, Lucy. I need you and I love you. Marry me."

Lucy looked at him. He wasn't joking-he was in earnest.

"Yes, Adam. I'll marry you." Her voice was barely a whisper but it was loud enough for Adam and grinning, he said simply, "Thank you." And he pulled her to him and kissed her while the women in the shop clapped and a few, including Madame Millais, touched handkerchiefs to moist eyes and the people standing in front of the window clapped as well along with some of the men calling out, encouraging Adam on.

Lucy gently pushed him away. "Adam, this isn't the place…I mean everyone watching and such."

Adam held her close again. "No, this isn't the place. Sheriff Coffee's office is."

"Madame," Adam said, "humbly I ask, may I whisk Lucy off to be married? You heard her say she would and with Lucy, well, she's so fickle I'm afraid that if I don't marry her now, she'll back out."

"Adam!" Lucy was startled and overwhelmed; everything was happening so quickly that she didn't know what to say.

"Mais oui, Monsieur Cartwright. "Oh, Lucy, one moment." Madame went to a hat and pulled out a blue feather, went over to Lucy and tucked it in her hair. "You must have something blue, ma chere."

"Oh, yes," Mrs. Harrison said. She opened her bag and took out a tatted silk handkerchief. "Tuck this in your sleeve or in your waist band-something borrowed."

Lucy was touched. "Oh, thank you both."

"Wait a minute," a woman whom Lucy didn't know spoke up. "You must have something new. Madame Millais, put that scarf on my bill." The woman picked up a blue scarf and fixed it at the neck of Lucy's brown suit. "There, something new." The woman kissed her on the cheek. "My best wishes to you."

"Oh, thank you so much." Lucy ran her hands over the silk.

"Now, something old…" Madame looked around the shop.

"She has me," Adam said. "I'm old enough." All the women in the shop laughed and Madame asked if she might kiss the groom-to-be, so Adam held her gently and kissed her.

"You must marry this one soon," Madame said, "or I will steal him from you."

The women gathered at the window to watch Adam escort Lucy to Sheriff Coffee's office to be married. Then the shop started buzzing and all the women decided that this news was too good to keep among themselves and some told Madame to hold on to their hats; they would be by later to make the purchase, but now, they had friends to visit to inform of Adam Cartwright's proposal of marriage to Lucy Fairmont in the middle of the hat shop.

Roy Coffee was sitting on a bench in front of his office when Adam and Lucy came by. Roy stood up and tipped his hat to Lucy. "Well, Adam, Miss Fairmont, what are you two up to. And Adam, why are you in your best suit?"

"I think a man should be married in his best suit, don't you?"

"Married? What are you talking about?"

"You're the Justice of the Peace, aren't you?" Adam asked, holding onto Lucy's small hand.

"Well, yes." Roy stood, puzzled.

"Then I want you to marry us, me and Lucy."

Roy noticed that people were gathering, smiling. "Come on in and tell me what nonsense this is." Roy opened the door and they waked in. Clem stood up.

"Hey, Adam, Miss Lucy. Roy arrest you two for disturbing the peace or public drunkenness?"

"They want to get married. Now what's all this?" Roy leaned on his desk, his arms crossed.

"Lucy and I want to be married, you're a justice of the peace, perform the ceremony. Simple."

"Lucy, your parents know about this?'

"No, but I'm old enough to make this decision on my own." She stood beside Adam and Roy had to smile at their disparate heights.

"Well, wouldn't you like them here and Adam, how bought your pa and brothers. Wouldn't you like them here?"

"Roy, just do your public duty. Clem can serve as a witness and you just say the necessary words."

"Why are you in such an all-fired hurry?"

"Because," Adam said, "I want to bed my bride as soon as possible."

"Adam!' Lucy blushed. Roy suppressed a smile but Clem laughed and then quickly recovered himself. He walked over to take his place as witness.

"Now where did I put that book?" Roy started shuffling through drawers looking for the small book that had the marriage ritual. "Let's see-it's not here. He opened another one. "Nope, not here…." And eventually, Roy found his little book with the marriage ceremony in it and he cleared his throat and began.

When Adam and Lucy walked back into the street, it was full of people cheering and offering congratulations and Mr. Sampson had handed out penny candies to everyone and gumdrops and peppermints gently rained down on them. The children scurried to pick the candies up off the dirt street and the sidewalk and dogs ran around barking due to the excitement among the people. Adam and Lucy laughed and when they arrived at the nearby hotel, Adam swept Lucy up in his arms and carried her inside and to the front desk.

"I'd like a room, please," Adam said, still holding Lucy in his arms. She had clasped her hands behind his neck and laid her head against his chest.

"Uh…a room?" The clerk asked.

"Yes. A room for me and my new bride."

"Bride?"

"Yes," Adam said. "Can't you tell by this gumdrop here, stuck on her hair?" Lucy reached up and picked off the gumdrop and fed it to Adam. He chewed it quickly and then kissed her. "That proves it," Adam said. "Your kisses are sweeter than candy."

"Oh, Adam," she laughed and he kissed her again.

"Now," Adam said, "give us a room. Immediately. We want to-let me put this politely-consummate our vows and I'm not feeling any too patient."

"Yes, sir, Mr. Cartwright, right this way. I'll put you in our best room." The clerk pulled a tagged key out of its slot and went around the counter. "Any baggage?"

"No. All my baggage fell away." Adam looked at Lucy and she knew what he meant; he was willing to start anew, to forget all his past pain, his past loves and start a new life with her. She hid her face in his neck and said a prayer thanking God for the happiness that she felt, the happiness that was so sharp, so acute that she felt that her life was now complete since she could never be happier than at this moment.

So while Adam and Lucy were in their hotel room in Virginia City, Ben was in the front yard cutting wood for the fireplace for Hop Sing's kitchen stove when Saul Johns, one of the closest ranchers to the Ponderosa, rode up. Ben stopped and stood up straight and then bent a little backwards to stretch his back.

"Well, Saul," Ben said. "Haven't seen you in a while. Did you and your family have a nice holiday?"

"Yes, thanks, we did."

"Well, get down and come inside for some coffee."

"I can't, I'm on my way home but thought I'd go out of my way to offer my congratulations. I wondered why you weren't in town today to help celebrate?"

Ben stood, puzzled. Then he realized that Saul must be talking about Polly being with child. "Oh, thank you. Yes, we're all happy about it but how did you know? Did Sampson tell you?"

"No, I saw it. Hell, I threw a whole handful of sweetnin' at them as they left Coffee's office. But why weren't you and the boys there? Something wrong? Don't you approve of her?"

"What are you talking about?" Ben asked.

"Why Adam marrying Lucy Fairmont."

"Marrying Lucy…" Ben hadn't seen Adam when he left but it dawned on him that Adam took the morning off to win Lucy Fairmont, to marry her. Ben sat down on the stump used to cut the wood. He was hurt that Adam hadn't told him and at the same time, happy that Adam had finally decided to marry Lucy and to give himself a chance for happiness. But Adam had gone off to marry and told none of them.

"You didn't know, did you?" Saul asked.

"No, I…" Ben stood up. "But I think I'll go into town and visit Roy and find out all about it. Thanks, Saul for stopping by." Ben rolled down his sleeves and grabbed for his jacket hanging nearby-he had removed it as he had warmed up.

"Well," Saul said, backing up his horse to turn it, "Congratulations again." And Saul turned and rode away, wondering how Ben Cartwright was going to handle the news.

Ben rode as quickly as he could, considering the chuck holes and mud, but headed directly for Roy's office. As he dismounted, he saw licorice drops, gumdrops and peppermint candies in the dirt.

"Where's Roy?" Ben said, storming into the sheriff's office.

"He's out, just patrolling. Why?" Clem asked.

Ben took a deep breath. "Did he marry Adam and Lucy Fairmont?"

"Sure did and I was the witness. Let me tell you, Ben, I haven't ever seen any groom more eager to bed his bride. If she hadn't been here, I could've made some remarks…"

"You were the witness?" Ben roared. He stood with his hands on his hips.

"Yeah. I was here in the office and so I was the witness."

"I'll be damned. And Adam never said a word. I missed my oldest son's wedding and it looks like the whole town was in on it." Ben heaved and huffed; he couldn't accept the fact the Adam had done all this without his knowledge. Granted, Adam wasn't a child, not even a young man anymore, but to have kept his family out of the occasion hurt Ben.

"It wasn't meant to be a big thing, I'm sure, but from what I heard, Adam went to the shop where she works and sang to her and basically, he wooed her in just a short time-she said yes and he brought her here to be married. Then they went over to the hotel. I have to admit there aren't many people who have their wedding night before lunch but they've been in there for a few hours now."

Ben shook his head, talking more to himself than Clem. "I don't know…I just don't know." And he walked out of the office mumbling to himself.

Ben saw Roy strolling on the street and Ben hurried to catch up with him. "Roy! Roy!" Roy turned around and smiled. He smiled because it pleased him to see two people such as Adam and Lucy in love and it also pleased him to see that Bern had a look of frustrated indignation. "Roy, did you perform a marriage between Adam and Lucy Fairmont?"

"I sure did. Congratulations, Ben." Roy put out his hand but Ben just ignored it. "How could you do that without my being there?"

Roy laughed. "Adam doesn't need your permission but I did ask him if he wanted to wait but I tell you, Adam was as impatient as a race horse at the starting gate. I thought that if I didn't hurry up and do it, he was gonna throw Lucy on my desk, push up her skirts, and have at her even before they said I do. Not that I could blame him any; she is such a pretty thing."

"I just don't believe it. I can't believe that Adam would plan a wedding and not tell me."

"That's 'cause it wasn't planned," Roy said. "I don't guess he knew for sure if Lucy was goin' to say yes or not. How could he invite you out here for a wedding that he didn't even know was goin' to happen?"

Ben sat down on a bench. They were outside the Sazarac and Roy sat down beside him.

"Now don't take on so, Ben. Remember when you were young and in love? I do. I remember when I met my Mary. You know, Mary wasn't any great beauty but I thought she was." Roy gave a small laugh. "I still remember how nervous I was on our wedding night. But Mary, well, Mary…"

"Roy," Ben said, "I have a problem here."

"Well, now," Roy said, "I don't happen to think you do. What you have is another daughter and a satisfied son. I 'd think you'd be countin' your blessings. Think of who else Adam could have married."

Ben looked over at Roy and sighed. "I suppose you're right. It's just that, well," Ben looked across the street at the hotel. "It's in the middle of the day? What are people going to think?"

"They're gonna think that they wish they were in Adam's or Lucy's place enjoying themselves in the middle of the day. Now my. Mary. She always had to have the lights off but I guess…"

"Roy," Ben said. "I think you're getting senile."

"And you're getting old and forgetting what it was like when you bedded a woman you loved. Tell you what, I can't have one 'cause I'm on the job, but I'll buy you a beer-a beer to celebrate a new daughter-in-law."

"Well, I'll let you buy me a beer-but I have something else to celebrate too; I'm going to be a grandfather. Joe and Polly are expecting." Bern smiled sheepishly.

"Then I'm going to buy you two beers. Let's go. Oh, and tell Adam, that is when you see him which may not be for a few days, that I've got his guitar in my office." And Roy and Ben walked into the Sazarac and Ben was greeted with shouts of congratulations on Adam's wedding.

TBC


	19. Part 18

Part 18

Lucy lay with her head on Adam's chest. She sighed deeply as he held her, one arm around her and his other arm bent under his head on the pillow. He sighed deeply in satisfaction.

"Adam," she practically whispered, "I didn't think that I could love you any more than I did, but I was wrong. I love you even more now." She kissed his chest, still moist from their exertions. He released the arm on which his head was resting and held her closer.

She looked up at him and he bent his head to kiss her. She reached up and put one arm around his neck and looked up at him. "What made you decide that today would be the day that you would ask me to marry you? I mean after all this time."

"Actually," Adam replied, his voice low and intimate, "I was going to ask you last night. I had planned to come into town and to sweep you of your feet and beg and plead with you to marry me, to make an honest man out of me." He gave her his half-grin. He still found it improbable that he, Adam Cartwright, a forty year old man who had been to hell and blessedly, been able to return to life, held in his arms such a treasure as his Lucy. She was beautiful and lush and her flesh yielded to him at the slightest touch.

Adam had been unsure about taking her that afternoon. The sunlight streamed through the windows making everything sharp and clear. Lucy had no negligee and he had no robe so there could be no coy seducing and although she had offered herself to him before, the circumstances had been different. And yet, today, there had been no shyness between them. Lucy had responded to him with verve. She had smiled at him and touched him in ways he hadn't expected. She had helped him disrobe and he, her. And as he had unbuttoned the back of her bodice and had let his lips follow the curve of her spine, she had trembled in anticipation. And this time, when she stood before him, he said a silent prayer for her; he was thankful she wanted him still after all the years that had passed, thankful that she loved him. That was what his heart ached for-all the years he was gone, he desired to be loved, to be special to someone, someone he could love in return and here was Lucy who loved him.

Lucy snuggled more into his arms. "So why didn't you?"

"I was…sent on a mission. I went to drag my cousin, Will, back to his hearth and home."

Lucy sat up, holding the sheet up. "I had heard the rumor, but I didn't…well, I hoped it wasn't true, but I have to confess, that it wasn't for the reasons I should have."

"What do you mean?" Adam looked at Lucy, appraising her as she sat, he hair half-tumbled down, her cheeks flushed; she looked like a satisfied woman, a woman whose lust had been sated. And her bare, white shoulders and the way her jaw curved into her neck made him want her again. All he could think of was how it felt when she had given into his desires and he sighed deeply.

"I have to disabuse you of any idea that I'm good, generous and charitable if that's what you think of me. You may as well know now-instead of later-although I probably should let you think wonderful things about me."

"Now what about you is so awful?' Adam said, reaching for her,

"Wait," Lucy said, taking his wrist in her hand; she was suddenly more aware of the disparity in their bodies, how different they were; her fingers didn't even come close to meeting around his wrist. And she noticed how elegant his hand was, the fingers well-shaped. And she noticed that his skin was more olive-toned, the result of his Black Irish heritage, as compared to her ivory skin. She felt a sudden intensity of desire for him. He was everything she desired and although she didn't think about it intellectually, she intuitively knew that they completed each other, two sides to one being, the male and female joined together, husband and wife joined as one. She reluctantly let him go. "I had hoped it wasn't true because I was afraid that if Will left Laura, well," Lucy dropped her eyes," that you would go to her, that you would…I mean that she would go to you for comfort and you would want her again." Lucy looked at him, waiting to see his response.

Adam smiled and then chuckled. "Well, am I supposed to be outraged? Am I supposed to think that you're a terrible person and regret that I ever married you?" he reached up for her and pulled her back down into his arms.

"But Adam," she said as he began to kiss her neck. "You should know what I'm like."

"Oh," Adam said, his desire for her overwhelming him, "I know what you're like-I know you're no angelic, ethereal angel, despite the way you look. I remember having to pull you off Joe when you two were small and you were walloping him good. I remember walking into the barn and stopping you two from playing 'you show me yours and I'll show you mine.' I know you in my bones, Lucy, and I have a very good take on who you are." He rolled her onto her back and looked down at her. "I couldn't love you if you were pure and good and didn't have that touch of selfishness about you-especially where I'm concerned. That your first thought was of me, of your fear that I would love another, well, that just makes me want you even more. Can't you tell?"

"Yes," she whispered. She smiled as she closed her eyes to better enjoy the thrill he gave all her senses and surrendered herself to him again.

Ben sat in his red chair smoking the last of the Greek tobacco that Adam had brought him. So far, it was his favorite of all the tobaccos Adam had brought him. It had a sweetness about it that wasn't cloying and he found that he didn't need to use as much to enjoy it. He sat, overwhelmed by the events of the day. He had found that he was going to be a grandfather and that he had a new daughter-in-law whom Adam hadn't even brought home; he didn't know whether to smile and be joyous or whether to cry. Hop Sing had smiled broadly when Ben broke the news to him about Adam and Lucy's marriage; he wanted to know when they were going to be at the Ponderosa so that he could make Missy Lucy's favorite, Red Velvet cake, to celebrate but all the Ben could say was that he didn't know-he felt he didn't know much of anything anymore-the world was spinning without his participation.

Hoss came in; the days' work was over and he was hungry and tired. "Hey, Pa," Hoss said. "I could smell Hop Sing's pork roast all the way home. I got a powerful hunger."

Ben just looked at him and nodded. Hoss took off his coat, hat and gun belt and walked over to his father. "You okay, Pa. You look like you just got throwed." Hoss sat down and looked at his father who had a slightly dazed look in his eyes.

"Hoss, did you know that Adam planned to marry Lucy Fairmont today?"

"What? Marry Lucy? Did he?"

"Yes, yes, he did. I didn't believe it. Saul Johns stopped by to congratulate me and wondered why I wasn't there. I felt like a damned fool but I didn't believe it. So I went into town and it seems it's true. Roy married them."

"Roy?" Hoss didn't understand at first.

"Roy's the Justice of the Peace, remember?"

"Oh, that's right."

"Well, he performed the ceremony. It seems that practically the whole town was there outside Roy's office-but we weren't."

Hoss' brow furrowed. "I wonder why that hornswaggler, Adam, didn't tell us. I don't know iffen I'm upset or not." Hoss sat quietly for a moment. He was happy for Adam and Lucy but he would've liked to have been there. "But, Pa, ain't this just like Adam? I mean he's always been close-mouthed about things and I guess as long as I get to kiss the bride, I shouldn't complain too much." Hoss stood up. "I'm gonna ask Hop Sing how much longer afore dinner. I got a hole in my belly that needs fillin' ,"

"That's it?" Ben said. "That's all you have to say? Aren't you upset? Your brother married today and we weren't there. He shut us out completely and all you can think about is eating!" Ben was outraged.

"Pa," Hoss said, trying to soothe his father, "calm down. I'm sure Adam's got a good reason for doin' what he did and if I was goin' to be marryin' and beddin' Lucy, I wouldn't be thinking' 'bout anything but that either. We know that he's married and that's all that matters. They'll be here soon enough. Adam'll bring her home and then you'll be complainin' about the noises from their room keepin' you awake until he builds them a new house-the you'll complain about the house bein' too quiet. Let's just count our blessings."

"But they weren't even married by a minister." Ben was still going around and around in his head about the matter; he knew he wouldn't sleep that might with all that happened. "Hoss, I'm too old for all this. I'm just too old." Ben shook his head and took a long draw on his pipe.

Hoss walked up to Ben and put his hand on his father's shoulder. "Pa, life changes every day. I don't like things changin' any more'n you do but you can't control everythin' like when we was kids. Adam and Joe are happy-you done a good job, Pa, a good job of raisin' us. I know that Adam loves you, Pa. He done showed you in all sorts of ways. That he didn't tell you he was goin' to ask Lucy to marry him don't mean nothin' 'cept that Adam was unsure. Adam ain't as all-fired cocky as he seems to be sometimes-he got fears like everyone else does. You think Adam would want you there iffen he was gonna be refused?"

Ben sighed and Hoss noticed that his father seemed to relax. "You're right-of course," Ben said. "You're absolutely right."

Hoss stood up and smiled. "Pa, do me a favor, would ya?"

"What?" Ben looked up at his son towering over him.

"Tell me one more time I'm right. I don't hear that enough around here." At first Ben was surprised but then both men laughed; life was absurd.

It was dusk and shadows were being cast about the room. Adam and Lucy lay in each others' arms and Adam began to feel drowsy. He sighed in satiety; he had felt as if he had plowed a field all afternoon instead of doing such to Lucy. "Well, now," Adam asked, his lips in her hair, kissing the sweet-smelling strands, "where shall we go-if not just stay here for the rest of our lives?"

Lucy gave a small laugh and moved against him to become more comfortable. "Well, I am a little hungry,": she said. "I suppose that despite what the poets say, one can't really live on love."

"We could try. And if we can't, well, they'll just find a set of naughty, intertwined skeletons one day and then the whole of Virginia City will have more to gossip about after we're gone."

Lucy laughed delightedly. "I suppose I need to tell Madame Millais that I won't be back."

"Hell, no, woman!" Adam said in false outrage. "I expect you to support me. I want to live a life of leisure and have you be the one who works and slaves and then comes home to service me. You can't possibly think that I married you for love!"

"I suppose I'm just a fool for love then, because I had hoped so. But naïve as I am…"

Adam suddenly turned serious. "Tell me, Lucy. It's been something that's been preying on me. Why didn't you marry your fiancé. Tell me."

She felt him gently run his fingers along her arm as he held her. She didn't want to tell him, wasn't sure that he would understand and that she may ruin this wonderful day if he reacted badly or thought she was foolish. But he had asked and if it had been bothering him, he deserved to know.

"I loved him and we were going to be married soon and he was…well, we had started making arrangements for it-actually, my mother had. And then one day your father stopped by-he had some business with my father and I asked him about you. He said that he had received a letter from you and that you were intending to come home-to come back here. I can't describe how I felt. I was just…I felt my legs go weak and I couldn't breathe. I must have looked bad because…well, I remember they made a fuss over me, had me sit down and such, but I went to my room and cried. I don't really know why I cried but I thought at the time that my prayers were being answered; you were coming home and I knew that I couldn't marry him. I knew then that I would always love you and I just couldn't….I couldn't do that to him, to have him think he was the only man in my heart when you had most of it. There wasn't room for him."

"Lucy, look at me."

Lucy looked up at him. "I don't have much left to give," Adam said. "I've had my heart shattered so all I have to offer is shards, but if you'll accept that, I promise to be faithful and good to you. I do love you. I know that words are just words and that anyone can say them but I don't say it easily, but with you, with you they come to my lips as if it's second nature. I love you, I do, I do, and I'll be the best husband I know to be. You have me, Lucy, totally and completely. All I ask is that you be kind to me. If I lose you, I don't know that…I can't lose you, Lucy. You're my last hope for redemption. With you I feel whole again, as if everything in the past didn't happen. Promise me."

"I promise, Adam," she said and she raised herself up and bending over him, she kissed him, his mouth warm and gentle. She ran her lips over his cheeks and then, after kissing the scar on his cheekbone, she murmured, "My husband, my husband. I love you, my darling, my heart, my world."

And Adam was finally felt that he was home for good-and that his search for happiness had ended where it had begun.

TBC


	20. Epilogue

Epilogue

Lucy stretched even before she opened her eyes. The feather mattress and plush, down-filled pillows made her feel decadent and wanton-and then she felt Adam's arms go around her and pull her to him. He began to nuzzle her neck and she felt the roughness of his beard; he needed to shave. She had never considered that physical annoyance in her wild fantasies of him, in her dreams of being with him, but now he made a habit of shaving before he came to bed-that way her cheeks and neck weren't raw and chafed in the morning. And now it was morning and he obviously wanted her, after all, it was their honeymoon although he refused to call it that because the word implied that love waned like the moon and he said that he would love her for all time.

Adam and she had gone to San Francisco. Although Lucy had toured Europe after her schooling, she had never been to San Francisco; her parents had felt that the city was far too sinful even with them as chaperones so Adam saw this as the perfect time for Lucy to indulge herself completely in all her secret desires and he urged her to do so. He was delighted with her; he had told her the night before as he held her, her arms and legs twined around him, that his only regret was that he hadn't married her sooner. Then they could have been enjoying the sensuous delights of each other for far longer.

"Good morning, Mrs. Cartwright," Adam murmured, kissing her neck and her décolletage. "We have another whole day to spend together."

"Adam, you promised that we would go to the art gallery today-can we?" She ran her hands over the back of his head as he moved his head lower.

"Let's wait until tomorrow." His voice was muffled.

Lucy took a handful of his hair and gave it a tug. "Adam, talk to me!"

He looked up at her. He couldn't help but admire how soft her face looked in the morning light, how she almost glowed with happiness. "Lucy, can't you feel that my mouth is otherwise occupied?"

"Adam! You promised."

"But I didn't mean it," he said, moving up in the bed.

"So this is what I have to look forward to-an insincere husband who says things he doesn't mean."

"No, this is what you have to look forward to," and Adam grabbed her and began to nuzzle her abdomen.

She broke out into peals of laughter. "Adam, stop, stop!"

He stopped and looked at her. "Do you mean that?"

She looked into his dark eyes and saw the playful look of his expression. "No. No, I didn't mean it at all."

"Ah," Adam said, "so neither of us is sincere." He raised his brows and then went back to kissing and nuzzling her abdomen.

"Adam, I do so want to see the gallery. Can't we?"

Adam looked up at her. He thought how he would never be able to refuse her anything. "I tell you what, we'll compromise. You let me do what I want during the day and I'll take you to the opera tonight. What do you say? It'll give you a chance to wear one of those posh frocks you packed."

"Well, considering that I haven't had a chance to wear much of anything since we arrived, I say, agreed. But what is it you want to do?" She looked at him suspiciously.

He raised his eyebrows and grinned at her. "This!" And Adam pulled the sheet and coverlet over their heads and she felt his hands and his mouth on her and she giggled and squirmed at the sudden sensations and then she sighed and relaxed and accepted the pleasure that was hers as Adam's wife.

That evening, when they exited the opera house, Lucy was happy. Adam had taken her to see Verdi's "Macbeth" and she had been enthralled by the music and the acting. "Oh, Adam," she said holding onto his arm, "thank you. That was wonderful and I didn't even need a libretto."

"Then you liked it?"

"Yes, I loved it although I would have enjoyed it bit more if I hadn't had to fend you off most of the evening." She made a pretense of being angry.

"Well," he whispered close to her ear, "that's why I took the private box-so that we could be alone."

"Adam, you are incorrigible." She looked up at him in a flirtatious manner.

"And don't try to reform me either," he said.

"I wouldn't think of it-I love you just the way you are."

Adam pulled her to him and kissed her and she tried to pull away-it wasn't proper for him to kiss her in public as if she were some tart. Finally, he released her. The people leaving the theatre looked at the man in the beaver hat who held a lovely, young woman in an embrace and some thought it was shocking and some found it stimulating but all thought that the two must be in love.

"It's chilly," Adam said, pulling her closer. "Let me get us a hackney." Adam raised his hand to call one over from the line of carriages waiting to take a fare.

"But the hotel isn't that far; we can walk. Besides, look at the stars, Adam. Aren't they beautiful tonight?"

Adam glanced over at Lucy looking up into the sky and he was moved; she was so delicate, so dear to him that he felt protective and desirous at the same time. "Yes," he said quietly, "they're almost as beautiful as you."

Lucy looked at him; she hadn't expected that remark and she leaned her head against his arm. Adam raised his hand at one of the hackney drivers and he pulled out of the line and drove over to where Adam and Lucy stood.

"Where to?" the driver asked from his high seat.

"Edwardian Hotel." Adam opened the door and handed Lucy inside.

"Cartwright? That you?" A man's rough voice rang out from behind them.

Adam turned. He stood and looked for a few seconds and then broke out in a broad grin. "O'Hara, Georges, you old pirates! What the hell are you doing here?"

The two men, both grinning as well, shook Adam's hand, pumping it up and down, obviously glad to see him, and clapped him on the back. "Us?" the man with an Irish brogue said, "What are you doin' here and wearing fancy duds and a beaver hat. I wouldn't have recognized you without your beard except I heard your voice and I been chewed out by you enough times to know it from anything."

They all laughed. "So is the captain here?" Adam asked.

"No, he ain't," The one named Georges said. "Me and O'Hara, we're on shore leave to….now what's the word I want? Oh, yes, we're here to 'recruit' some sailors." All three men laughed again. "Come have a drink with us, Adam. We've got a pocket full of silver but I must say, you're lookin' mighty prosperous."

Adam was about to agree but then he considered that he wouldn't be able to take Lucy along. "Well, I'd like to, boys, but, well…I'm on my honeymoon."

"What?" O'Hara said, obviously surprised. "How'd an ugly whoreson like you find someone to marry you?"

"Yeah," Georges said. "You pay her or something?"

Adam laughed and then directed the men toward the open door of the cab. "Georges, O'Hara, this is my wife, Lucy."

The two men peeked inside. The light from the street lights illuminated her face and the paleness of her skin. They quickly pulled off their hats, one a watch cap and the other a flat cap. "How do you do, Mrs. Cartwright," O'Hara said. "We apologize," he continued and Georges nodded in agreement, "for our rough language ma'am. Had we known a lady was within hearin' of us..."

"It's all right. You forget that I'm married to Adam-I've heard my share." The men laughed and they felt more comfortable.

"Nice to have met you, ma'am," O'Hara said and again, Georges nodded. "Well, Adam," O'Hara said, "I can't blame you none for wantin' to get back to the hotel."

"Adam," Lucy called out. Adam came to the door and looked in. "If you want to go have a drink with your friends, go ahead. Just please, don't be long."

"Are you sure? I don't want…" Adam held onto the door. He was trying to judge if he was supposed to decline and go back to the hotel with her or not.

"Adam, I'm sure." Lucy scooted over on the seat and Adam held her face in both his hands and kissed her. "Really," she assured him. "Just don't be long; I'll be waiting for you."

"I won't be long. I promise. Just a drink or two."

"As Francois Villon wrote," Lucy said in a teasing tone, "do you swear on a testicle?'

Adam laughed. "Yes, my love. Not only do I swear on 'a' testicle, I swear on both of them!" Adam kissed her again, closed the cab door and latched it, handed the driver money, more than enough to cover the drive, and waved him off. Lucy poked her head out of the window and waved a gloved hand at him as she was driven off. Adam felt an odd feeling of loss and he almost changed his mind but then Georges clapped him on the back and all three walked to the nearest bar just a short distance away. Adam had always found it interesting the way one street in San Francisco can be lined with expensive gourmet restaurants and hotels and the next be lined with sleazy bars and houses of prostitution; it was an interesting city.

Lucy felt awkward entering the hotel by herself; the high arched ceiling and the chandeliers and plush carpets of the lobby made her feel small and unimportant. She had neglected to ask Adam for the key so she had to ask the desk clerk for the extra key to the room. She felt that he looked at her in a knowing way, expressing disapproval that she had come back alone. She felt her cheeks flush but took the key and went upstairs.

Even with the lights on, the hotel room seemed lonely to her and she began to wish that she hadn't spoken up when Adam declined his friends'invitation; she should have just stayed quiet and then Adam would be with her at that moment, kissing her and teasing her and then climbing into the tub with her. She sighed and went to run a bath. The hotel had all the modern conveniences, gas lights, running water with a sink and a bath and Lucy felt spoiled. So she undressed and slipped into the water and rested her head on the raised curve of the footed sleigh tub and waited for Adam to return. "Oh, hurry, hurry," she whispered into the air. "Come back to me soon."

Adam sat with his two friends and they drank from a bottle of Irish whiskey and Adam insisted he be the one to pay so they let him. They caught up with each other, Adam with where The Mariah had been, what her fortunes were, and they with what had befallen Adam and his marriage.

"I still can't believe that Adam Cartwright, the plague of all virgins and the blessing of all poor, working girls, is married and to such a pretty thing too. How'd you manage it, you cutthroat?"

Adam looked down at his glass and took a slug of the smooth, soothing whiskey. Then he looked at them. "God smiled on me," he said. "Usually he spits in my face but this time, I don't know what I did, but he blessed me with her."

The three men sat quietly, all slightly embarrassed by Adam's open emotion. Although they had spent years together, side by side on a ship and been through much together, they had never broached the subject of love; women were to be taken, enjoyed and then left behind.

Adam pulled out his pocket watch. "Oh, damn," he said, "it's past one in the morning. I need to get back to the hotel." Adam stood up and picked up his hat from off the table and put it on, tapping the top to seat it.

O'Hara and Georges stood up. "You sure you won't come to the ship and sign on again? We could use a good man like you-these new sailors aren't worth their pay and need to be hit over the head in order to pound some common sense into them."

"Oh, is that why you crack them across the skull?" The men laughed again. "No, I'm certain," Adam said quietly. "It was good to see you two again-give my regards to the captain."

"Aye, we will, Adam" Georges said. "And, Adam, you are a lucky man to find happiness in a woman's arms."

Then to break the sentimentality, O'Hara said to Georges with a shove, "Or happiness between her legs!"

They all enjoyed the laugh but Adam felt anxious; would Lucy be angry, upset? The men shook hands and then Adam rushed through the streets to return to the hotel, took the steps to the upper floors two at a time and unlocked the door. He had seen light under the door and wondered if Lucy was asleep or awake.

When he entered, Lucy stood up from an overstuffed chair in the corner. Adam stopped and looked at her; she had obviously been crying-her eyes were swollen and she held a crumpled handkerchief in her hand. "Oh, Lucy, I'm so sorry. I lost track of time. Please, I'm so sorry." He didn't dare touch her or hold her until he knew how she felt about him. Would she reject his advances, not want him to kiss her or even touch her?

"Oh, Adam," she said, her voice quavering. Then she ran to him and he held her tightly as she laid her head on his chest and cried. "I thought you weren't coming back, that you decided to go back out to sea. I was so afraid you'd left me. Oh, Adam, I was so afraid. I thought I'd lose my mind."

Adam stroked her hair and comforted her the best he could. "Oh, Lucy, how could you think I would ever leave you? I love you…I adore you, my Lucy, my Lucy." And he reached between them to tilt up her chin so that he could kiss her. He kissed her mouth and her cheeks, moving his lips to her temples. She sighed; all the panic she had felt when he didn't return dissolved away and she felt fatigued and weak. Adam swept her up in his arms and walked over to the bed, sitting down on the edge and holding her on his lap. "Lucy," he said, holding her, "please, don't ever doubt that I'll always come home to you-always-even should Satan himself stand in my way. I'll always come home to you-to rest in your love. Always." And Adam knew that he meant it; he had already fought his way back from the yawning gates of hell and found paradise.

~Finis~


End file.
